Time To Talk

“All the world’s a stage and all the men and women merely players; they have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts.”

As we conclude the journey of our semester, I realize that no truer depiction of human life is made than that of Shakespeare in “All the World’s a Stage”.  But what seems to set most distastefully upon my tongue is that puppetry of it all.  Are we “merely players” whose paths, actions, and very utterances have been determined by a force that is not our own?   Are we merely fulfilling a path that has been set before us that offers no room for re-write, no cause for deviation?  For what before has never been done, what rebellion never attempted, what thought not before thought?  As many as there are deviations, so are there the same numbers of molds of diversion.  Through the course of our learning, I have found this to be terrifyingly truthful.  Who knew that no new is truly new?

I would argue that it is not either structure or agency by which we are governed, but rather agency has been consumed by structure; a mere part of the puzzle of which we must all eventually become a piece.  In other words I am not sure whether it is possible to break from structure and make your own decisions, however you to retain the ability to chose the structure to follow.

There are many things that have influenced my choices of structure.  First, my family has played a tremendous role in my decisions.  As we discussed, the patterns of our families have a dramatic influence on what we want out of life in terms of family and relationships.  My parents have raised us to be “ready for our husbands”.  It has never been a point of discussion of whether we will eventually get married, but it has always been “when” and to “whom”.  Since it was what was “right” for my parents, then it must be what is “right” for me…right?  Although I become skeptical when I realize the lack of choice I seem to have, I know that it is not necessarily that I have been forced into this pattern of thought, but rather I see the happiness that my parents have had in their marriage and it makes me want to experience that same happiness.  In addition to my family, society has reinforced this decision to look for someone to marry.  As we discussed, there are many practical perks of being married.  There are greater legal benefits, and the very nature of the economy in which we live encourages a dual income household.  Also, my religious institution greatly encourages marriage.  It seems that any “good,” Southern, Chrisitan girl will find someone to marry.

I used to think that the purpose of marriage was to simply live “happily ever after,” but this class has opened my eyes to other reasons (more practical ones) for why marriage could be about more than just this illusory feeling of love.  Studying the history of marriage and change in reasons for marrying was eye-opening.  Sure, I knew that marriage had not always been built on feelings of love, but learning how well it worked back when it was more of a partnership really made me think.  I still believe that love should be the basis of marriage, but I think what may cause problems in relationships is when “love” is the only thing that matters to us.  We need to remember, that even when the “love” is gone, there are other reasons we came together.  It is not all about butterflies and rainbows, but instead it is about two people making a commitment to serve each other, love one another, share burdens in life, and communicate to each other.  One way in which this is tangibly tested is in the sharing of household duties.  Will my husband and I sit down and communicate clearly who is responsible for what?  Will we be selfless in our commitment and not simply try to get the “better end of the deal?”  Will we fulfill our task in joy out of love, and will we share them equally?

Finally, whom will I marry?  That is the million-dollar question.  What I have learned is that, although I may not know who exactly it will be, there are many indicators of what kind of person I am most likely to marry.  Picking a partner is far less “random” than I may have once thought.  Attraction and compatibility are far more intricate than they may seem.  First, the science of attraction will factor greatly into initial interest.  As the video we viewed in class showed, even the very scent of someone can make us more attracted to them.  I am most likely to be attracted to someone that is least related to me.  Sociologically speaking though, I will be most likely to marry someone who is similar to me in most other aspects.  Having the same religion, social class, socioeconomic status, origin of background, culture, race, etc. will greatly determine my probability of marriage.  I would say that the only factor of the above that I truly find imperative is commonality of religion.  Having a mix-religion marriage would not work for me considering conflict that may ensue over raising children, etc.  In addition to this, I will not marry a man who is not kind, gentle, patient, able to have fun, and humorous.  One of the greatest predictors of marital dissatisfaction is loss of fun in a relationship.  Also, couples who have successful marriages always say that part of it is owed to their ability to continue to have fun and adventures together and to laugh at their quarrels.  My religious background indicates that “divorce is not an option,” and my parents have shown me what a great marriage is, as they have been together happily for over thirty years.  I believe that if I marry someone who has these qualities and we continue to grow in our faith and all areas of life both together and individually, I believe my chances of divorce are very slim.

As I said, my probability of divorce is related to the model my parents have set, however that is not the only thing that is related to that which they have set.  I will mostly likely have a husband and children just as my parents do.  I will also most likely be in the same social class as my parents since they have provided me with all the opportunities (plus more) that they had.  I will mostly likely be able to pay for my kids’ education (as my parents did for me).  I will strive to work hard, and succeed as they have taught me.  One way in which my family and love formula may differ, though, is that I do not want to have as many kids as my parents did.  As the youngest of five, I saw how messy that number of kids is.  I was there, watching every single one grow up and leave. I heard the ins and outs of their troubles and was present for concerned dinner table conversations.  I don’t know if I would have the strength to have that many kids and provide for them like my parents did for me.  It is possible, though, that I may, because the greatest predictor of family outcome is that from which you come.

In order to remain in a satisfied marriage and family relationship, I will follow the example my parents have set and the new ideas presented in this class.  I will learn to communicate, serve, share, and understand where my husband is coming from.  For example, we talked about money and how often it is one of the greatest sources of conflict in marriage relationships.  I recall the heated debate over whether Tiger Woods’ wife should have gotten the monetary reward she did.  I believe that when this is a cause for concern, it makes evident the shallowness of the relationship.  It should not be “what’s mine is mine” or “what’s hers is hers.”  It should we “what’s ours is ours.”  We should not consider the “worth” of a housewife in monetary value; why are we even discussing how much her services in the house and with the children are worth?  When these petty arguments enter the equation, we must realize that we have lost the whole point of marriage.  It is a partnership, not a measuring of accomplishments against one another.  In order to ensure happiness and satisfaction, we must throw out the record book and simply live in selflessness towards each other.

Despite the great influence that the pattern of my family has on indicating the direction of my future, the greatest lesson I have learned is this: there are many forks in this road of life.  My way and my family’s way are not the only ways.  So as I come upon each decision, I wonder, to loosely quote Robert Frost in “The Road Not Taken,” if two roads diverge in a wood, will I choose the one I am on, or will I pick the one less traveled?

Cheating seems to have become a way of life for so many people.  As one of my friends once put it “Well I feel like it’s okay because I want to have someone to come home to, but that doesn’t mean I want to be around just her all the time”.  There are always three sides to the cheating equation (which is proof in and of itself of why it shouldn’t work, because equations only have two sides); there is always a cheater, a person being cheated on, and a person being cheated with.  I have been cheated on and cheated with, and let me tell you, whether you are the person being cheated on or cheated with, finding out about either frankly just sucks.

I understand that people make mistakes, and that sometimes things happen, but I strongly believe that repeat cheating should never be tolerated.  It seems though, that these days cheating is completely acceptable.  I have friends who expect their boyfriends to cheat on them every weekend when they’re out at parties.  They say that cheating is just part of “being a guy,” and that it doesn’t really count as long as their boyfriends don’t actually like the other girls.  I think this is such a sad way to view relationships.  I understand that it is easy to make excuses for people (as I have caught myself doing the same), but the truth is, everyone in these situations deserves better; no one is really going to benefit from this in the long run.

If a guy (or girl) wants to cheat, set him (or her) free from the relationship and allow them to behave however they want to without the guilt.  If a person wants to be faithful, let them find someone else who wants to be faithful too.  No one should be forced to stay in a relationship, but there must be a decision made: you’re either in or out, but if you’re in, leave others out.

I believe that we, has humans, were made to have monogamous romantic relationships.  True it is important to have a diverse group of close relationships (aka friendships), but I believe that romantically there should only be one.  Despite all the emotional arguments, there are very practical reasons why people were made this way.  These include: financial, health, and time management reasons.

Financially, it seems illogical to have more than one romantic partner.  The likelihood of having children from many different fathers would greatly increase with a myriad of romantic relationships.  How would the bills be split, how would the children get divvied funds without feeling superior or inferior to each other based on amount, and how would it be possible to keep track of exactly what each person owed (or even if they had paid at all).

In terms of health reasons, the list is endless.  First of all, with many different partners, the risk of STDs spikes dramatically.  If you aren’t with the same partner (or at least very few) how can you possibly be 100% careful about retaining perfect health.  Take herpes for example, if approximately 50% of the population has it, there could be a 50/50 chance of acquiring it with every new partner.  Getting STDs could then translate into later more serious health problems (such as issues in childbirth/fertility, diagnosis of cancer, or even death).  I think that health issues are a tremendous advocate of monogamy.

Finally, there is simply not enough time in the day (or night) to have multiple intimate, serious relationships.  If you truly love someone, you aren’t just going to want to spend one night out of a week with them, or to just hang out with them once in awhile, you will want to spend much more time with them, and this is not truly possible when juggling many different relationships.

Sure, you may wonder, “Well what if you just like certain aspects of a few different people but not the whole of any of them?”  Well that’s what friends are for.  Monogamy does not mean that the person you choose to spend your life with the perfect person; it does not mean they “complete” you or even that they are your “everything” (that’s what God’s for), but it means that they are simply someone you care about deeply, love, and want to walk through life with.  You can still foster various close friend relationships, but leave the extra intimacy to the one that you truly love.

First we must define the term “pecking order.”  What is this, even?  Wikipedia defines it as  hierarchal systems of social organization in chickens.  I found this to be hilarious, as we are using it to describe the interactions between siblings in a family.  It seems even more appropriate now, knowing that often siblings do behave like a pen of chickens.  They are messy, noisy, fight a lot, squawk (or complain), and simply just won’t leave each other alone.  The pecking portion of the pecking order also seems to be an appropriate term to use because “pecking” is a huge part of asserting your place in a family.  I feel as if every member of the “sibling-hood” must fight to establish their place and have their voice heard (and this is even more detrimental as the youngest).

In my family, the pecking order was very real, however, it was dependent not only on the actual order in which we were born, but also on the gender and amount of “fight” we had in us.  My brother is the oldest and also the only boy out of the five children in our family.  He had it all going for him.  His gender, as a socially-speaking dominant gender, and his birth order (as first) secured him the “top” spot in the pecking order.  He called the shots when he wanted to and oversaw his little sisters.  However, when he met his wife at the age of 15, he was less interested in asserting his “top spot.”  My sister Mary is the oldest girl, therefore within the girl cohort of the family, she was the “top” of the order.  Her spot, however, was not simply based on our position in the family, but also on her inclination of pretense of extreme maturity.  She eventually grew into the maturity, but it used to be a laughing matter for all of the family (as she would put on a “mature” voice and sit with a certain posture when she needed to seem more dominant over the other sisters).  Her spot was also secured by her hardworking nature and her natural intelligence.  The second sister was able to secure her spot as third in the pecking order because of her alliance with the older sister (rather than allying with my sister Rachel and I).  She chose to become part of the “older kids” than the younger, although she was technically the very middle child.  This allowed her to retain her position.  Between her and the fourth oldest sister, there seemed to be a great disparity in pecking order status.  As the boy was categorized by himself, the two older sisters were categorized as the next highest, the leap to the younger sisters was huge.  My sister retained her status as above me because she would try to please the “older girls” by sometimes betraying her ally (me).  She would steal candy from me, trick me into purchasing her junk (with backing from the other sisters), among other things.  She was, however, still one of the “little girls,” so no matter how much she tried, she could not move up to the next level in the ranks.  Then there is me: I am the youngest, and as such, I have no propensity to move up in the pecking order.  I think this is why the youngest may sometimes be more rebellious or willing to fight.  We kind of have to be that way to survive.

I don’t know how many of you are the youngest, but I will tell you, it is a battle.  You are constantly fighting for a voice, having to prove that just because you are the youngest does not mean that you are less intelligent or worthy of an opinion.  When in an argument of fact, your age provides no indication of the veracity of your position, however in families it seems to be that is the belief.  I think, however, that being the youngest can teach you many valuable lessons.  Siblings may be brutal, but so is the real world.  I think it is largely as a result of my position as the youngest in my family that I have learned to stand up for myself in all situations and have learned to really know what I believe and what is worth fighting for.  I also believe my decision in terms of career paths to join the Teach for America corps and later to attend law school can also be attributed to my position in the family.  Being the youngest toughens and sharpens you.  Maybe that’s why we get the reputation of being bratty or rebellious: just because we can’t rely on others to support us, so we are forced to learn how to fight for our place and be our own advocates.

Enough about being the youngest; as we have gotten older and have now all attained similar levels of educational achievement, our pecking orders are slowly changing.  It is no longer a question of who is simply older or not, but it is also based on individual rankings in trait strengths.  We now have intelligence pecking orders (based on general knowledgeability, education levels, and argumentative prowess), kindness pecking orders (based on your ability to be kind to those within the family and those outside), relational status pecking orders (depending on marital or serious romantic relationships status), and employment or income level pecking orders.  It is very interesting to see how these levels of dominance within siblings have transformed from a  simple “who has been around longer” to “who has done what with their time around.”

I applaud the three mothers that were brave enough to come to our class and have such an honest discussion about pregnancy and childbirth.  Although I have spoken with mothers (who obviously have gone through this process since this is what makes them mothers) before, I have never heard any of them speak so frankly about the process.  Honestly, this discussion terrified and disgusted me.  It make me think that childbirth is absolutely grotesque, and one of the most severe forms or torture.

As I thought of this, I was reminded that the reason we experience such great discomfort during childbirth is because of the fall of man.  Just because childbirth might be terrible, it does not mean that we just shouldn’t have kids (as I at first thought).  It is simply a reminder of the terrible depravity and pain that results from separation from God and decisions not to follow His will for our lives.

Okay, back to the topic at hand.  One very interesting component of the childbirth process that I had not previously pondered was the aspect of monetary costs and the effect insurance plans have on decision making.  I thought that when a woman felt as if she was going into labor she could go to the hospital and have the child according to her own wishes and plans.  I thought that the doctors would allow her to do as she asked as long as her wishes did not pose imminent danger to the baby or herself.  I did not think about there being fees involved, or any restraints on decisions based on insurance policies.

As it would seem, there is no real national standard of care for mothers and newborns.  The standard is based on the worth of your policy.  Those who have “better” coverage or are in better areas (with better facilities) actually may have a more safe and comfortable child-birthing experiences.

It also surprised me how much it cost to actually go to the hospital to have the baby.  Even when insurance “completely” covers something there are always other costs involved.  I have had one surgery in my life and although insurance “completely” covered it, my parents ended up having to pay over $2000.  If childbirth without complications is expensive, I can only imagine how much it would cost for a child to be born with complications.  It seems so unfair, especially for those who are of low socioeconomic status, to force people to pay that much to have a baby.  I understand that medicine and treatment do have real costs involved, however, much of these costs are extremely inflated by insurance.

There needs to be serious reform in healthcare, and this discussion highlighted once more an area in which the problems in healthcare provision are so evident.

King’s article “Should Babies Co-sleep With Their Parents?” shed an interesting light on the issue of bed-sharing.  Although I have learned in psychology courses that close physical proximity between parents and children have a significant emotional development effect on the children, I had always heard that this sleeping situation was a definite (in childish speech), “no-no.”

I understand King’s argument for bed-sharing, however, I think that although there may be some instances in which bed-sharing is not dangerous, there is no way to know that for certain.  As with many things, all it takes is one mistake for a grave tragedy to occur.  The death in Toledo mentioned in the article may be a one-in-a-million story, but the fact that this can occur at all makes it seem unadvisable to take that risk.

It seems that a baby would benefit from simply being the in same room and within arm’s reach of the child.  Maybe the best solution would be to create a new kind of “parents-with-a-baby” bed.  It could have a normal bed with a crib attached.  The crib could have a door in the side that the parents could roll over and flip up to reach inside whenever they needed to feed or sooth the baby.  The baby would then know that the parents were nearby and would still benefit from the proximity aspect.  (Disclaimer: I realize that this won’t actually be made, but I just thought it might more fully satisfy both sides of the argument.)

Ultimately, it is the parents’ decision whether or not to bed-share, sleep in the same room as the baby, or sleep in separate rooms, but in making this decision I would simply advise that each pair or single parent evaluate carefully the projected costs and benefits to each situation and decide only after in depth consideration of the possibilities.

Am I an adult?  This is something I have been thinking about a lot lately.  What really makes someone an adult?  My parents have always told me that no matter how many years old you are, you will never truly feel like you are finally grown up.  At 54 years old, having a full time job as a dentist, having raised 5 kids, my Dad says he’s still feels like a child.  So what does it really mean to be an adult?

We talked in class about this idea of “adulthood” and what it really constitutes.  We read in the book about the new class of individuals called emerging adults, and we decided that should we be classified, we would fall under this category.  So what is it really, and how does it specifically apply to us?

First, we must know what emerging adulthood is.  We have defined it as somewhat of a transition period between youth and adulthood, but more specifically, it is a time of searching and exploration.  During this time, we are seeking to find who we are intrinsically, how we can transition familial relationships with our parents from ones of subordination to ones of more equal standing, what line of work we wish to join, who, when, or even if we want to get married, and so much more.  This is the time in which many of us are single (at least not married), still in school, and not engaged in a life-long career, yet living away from our families.  It is a time of great instability in life, love, location, and income.  Arnett defines it as an age of identity exploration, instability, self-focus, feeling in-between, and possibility.  Most people in this age are only responsible for themselves and seek to find where they wish to go.

This is a relatively new kind of age that is reserved for only the privileged.  Many people worldwide may not have the luxury of the years of searching as they may already have children at this age, already be married, or already be working in their family businesses.  Emerging adulthood is mostly reserved for developed countries, however this trend is spreading steadily as affluence rises.

There are six main aspects of emerging adulthood: relationships with parents, love and sex, college, work, religion, and marriage.  A narrative is the path we take to grow from childish roles in these areas to our adult realizations of who we wish or are in reference to each area.  During emerging adulthood we decide which turns to take in our narratives.  We are shaping the path of our futures and deciding how to shape adult patterns in the six areas of life.  By realizing there is a narrative, we decide during emerging adulthood what we want our narrative to look like; as women do we want to follow the marriage, housewife, children narrative, do we want to follow the working, no-family narrative, or do we want to follow another version of narrative completely?  Even though most people follow a narrative that is far from original, every person can create their own individual realization of that narrative.

As I come closer to the end of college, I realize that my time in emerging adulthood has evidenced a journey through all the aspects of exploration of each component of emerging adulthood.  In order to become adults we must reach stability in every area.  Four aspects in which the narrative is truly evident in my life are relationships with parents, college, work, and religion.

My relationship with my parents has changed in a few key ways.  First, distance has created a different dynamic because they are no longer aware of the day-to-day happenings in my life.  They don’t know when I stay up late, how much I study, who I hang out with, etc.  Second, we have changed the way in which we interact when it comes to important decision-making.  When I decided to apply for Teach for America, my parents would not give me an opinion on whether or not they thought it was a good idea.  When I decided to declare pre-law they also would not give me indication of their feelings towards it.  Sometimes this creates frustration in our relationship because I want them to give me more guidance but they refuse.  Also, they now give me more autonomy.  They don’t tell me right from wrong but instead they trust that they values they have instilled in me will remain rooted in me into adulthood.  This shift to autonomy signals a shift into adulthood.

My decisions in reference to education also are evidence of my presence in emerging adulthood and my journey into adulthood.  I have been in college for three and a half years but soon will be graduating.  My decision now is whether or not I should continue to go on to more schooling immediately or in a couple of years.  If I continue to further my degree I will feel as if I am still in emerging adulthood, but once I am finished with my schooling I will feel as if I am an adult.

During college I did not work (except for in the summers), but I did have an internship that was unpaid.  I feel as if lack of a job or an unpaid job are the epitome of work in emerging adulthood, as we are focusing on things other than that, such as school, etc.  I recently applied for Teach for America, however, and although I don’t feel as if I am ready for a “real” job, I will feel as if my journey through emerging adulthood is complete when I begin this job.  Having a salary is a very real aspect of being an adult.

Finally, my religious growth has been part of my journey to adulthood.  When I lived with my parents in Dallas we went to church together and we talked about religious things on a regular basis.  Although I had taken my faith seriously in high school, it was not tested until I reached college, because I never had to decide on my own whether or not to practice it.  I have chosen to in college, however, it is much more difficult than it would be if I were still at home because it is not expected for college students to be very involved in their faith or church.  This process has made me grow a lot in my faith because I have finally taken ownership.  Full ownership of the faith, which I am working towards, is a sign of emergence into adulthood.

Until I have reached stability in all of these aspects of my life, I will not have fully reached adulthood.  I also don’t think that I will be a true adult until I have a serious relationship leading towards marriage, because that is a key component of my narrative.

I found it interesting to read this chapter in The Feminine Mystique.  Although I have heard often about the plight of women and the discrimination against this group that so often occurs, I have never previously read much literature on this issue.  In reading this, I noticed many parallels between the issues addressed in the book and patterns I see here in expectations of women at Baylor.

When I first began telling people that I had decided to attend Baylor, I was greeted immediately by many with the question “Oh, so you’re looking for your Mrs. degree?”  I had always laughed when I was asked this, because although, as most girls, I do eventually want to be married, I definitely viewed college primarily as a place to get a degree (a man being a bonus if he should so happen to be found).  When I would express this sentiment people seemed surprised and would say to me, “Don’t worry, you will realize when you get there that that is the only reason girls go to Baylor.”

I don’t like to agree with stereotypes, but after a year or so here, I realized that these people were more accurate in their judgements than I could have ever imagined.  Of course, not everyone who goes to Baylor wants an Mrs. degree, but I would venture to say Baylor is much more marriage-oriented than many college campuses (this could have to do with religious sentiments, etc.).  It really did shock me that so much emphasis was placed on getting married.  It was interesting that the idea of “success” upon graduation at Baylor was not if you received academic honors, but rather it was whether or not your go your “ring by spring.”

Although, there are times at which I am sure men have a more critical role in defining women’s roles and what is expected of them (what is beautiful or womanly, etc.), I think that it is the women’s choice whether to bow to those dictations.  Although it is somewhat expected that a woman will be less likely to become a doctor or lawyer than it is for a man to, it is still the woman’s choice as to what career she has.  Just because we are told that we should only work part-time, if at all, and that we should get married to the first person that comes along, it is our decision to bow under this pressure or stand up for what we want (should the two be contrary).  This could mean that we choose not to work and get married right away, this could mean that we choose a demanding career path and wait to get married, or this could be any combination of the aforementioned options.

Although as women we may encounter obstacles, what we do with them is ultimately up to us.