Marriage & Family

Do I do the things I do because of society or because of my own choices? What an interesting question. My simplest answer is that I do what  do within the structure society has created, but ultimately it is my choice on how it finally plays out. I could argue to myself that society pushes me to make a choice. Or I could argue that I know what society wants me to do, so I will rebel against it. But isn’t that ultimately society pushing your hand? This circular argument would go on forever. So I accept that my choices within the paradigm of society are ultimately how my actions are determined. I will further explore this argument by answering some questions below.

• Why do you want to get married? What is the purpose of marriage? Who (what kind of person) are you likely to marry?

Before I took this class, I wanted to get married because that is what you do. Obviously to have someone to love and have someone love you back. You get married so you can have a family. Marriage’s purpose was love. My only requirement for the person I was going to marry (besides the obvious hopeful good looking aspect) was that they needed a brain.

Although obviously love is a major aspect of marriage, the word we came up with in class that really sticks out to me is companionship. I like this so much better because I feel like it encompasses other  feelings, like friendship and fellowship. I think the purpose of marriage is companionship, love, and resources. The purpose is to have someone by your side who shares your interests and beliefs so you can go through life together and experience it. I still think marriage is good before having kids, but obviously in our society, it is no longer so much of a requirement. For me, marriage will happen before kids as much as I can possibly help it. Also, tax write off.  The reason why I want to get married is directly related to what I think the purpose is. I still think it is for love but also to have someone to lean on and share your life with. Not to mention it will be nice having two incomes to live off of (as much as the economy lets us). This view fits nicely into my argument of making choices within the societal paradigm. I do think society emphasizes love and companionship for marriage in our culture today, but it is my choice that I choose to emphasize them in my life.

I think the biggest view that has changed for me is realizing the importance of similarity in a partner. My only requirement was that they had to be smart. But all those Cinderella stories in movies that society puts in front of us, are simply not plausible because their backgrounds are too different. It seems like common sense that it would be boring to be with someone just like yourself. I think it would be even worse to be with someone who is opposite of you because you don’t generally want to go and do the same sort of things. On a more important level, someone who doesn’t share your beliefs is bound to let you down in the long run. It is so important to have someone who understands you and where you are coming from. Of course society influences a person’s SES, but it is our choice to pick someone who has things in common with ourselves.

• What kind of family structure do you expect to have?  How many children? How will your family compare with the family you have come out of?

Before I took this class, I always thought the ideal number of children was 2, 1 boy and 1 girl, with the boy coming first. This desire was hugely impacted by my family structure because that is my exact situation. I wanted my kids close in age because my mom always said how nice it was that Michael and I could play together and keep each other entertained.

And now, after reading The Pecking Order, among other discussions we’ve had in class, I still think that two kids are an ideal number and you can only hope for one of each sex. But if i decide that two is not enough, this course has taught me how important it is to have more resources and that spacing is key. I would probably put a little more space between my children than my mom put between my brother and I. We were only 19 months apart, which put me one grade behind him because of how our birthdays fell. Although by the time we had reached college age my dad was a full fledged doctor, when they were sending us to private school all those years, it must have been especially difficult to make ends meet.

So I think my family will be similar to the one I grew up in simply because I liked the one I grew up in. That is a structural influence, but I also think it is my choice because ultimately I don’t know what is going to happen if I have 2 children of the same sex first. I think the main thing I will change is the spacing between. It was nice being so close to my brother, but it was also annoying to have overlapping friends. From a sociological and economical standpoint, I understand how important resources are and dividing those resources equally can prove more difficult when the children are closer in age.

• How likely are you to divorce?

Before this class and now my thoughts on divorce haven’t changed much. I am admittedly naive when it comes to divorce. My views on divorce are structurally influenced. I see how hard my parents have worked on their marriage and all their friends, and my friend’s parents getting divorced. I am resolved to work on a marriage until it cannot be worked on any longer. But, just as Conley says, I think every situation is different and I can say without a doubt that I will want to work on my marriage. For example, if my husband cheats on me, I can’t say how much that betrayal will effect me. Will I be willing to work on it? Will I just leave? I can’t say. I do think my parents not getting divorced will have some influence, and on the other side societal acceptance of divorce makes the thought easier. But it will ultimately be my choice.

• How important is love in the context of the stability of your future romantic relationships/marriage? Assuming this a general goal of long-term relationships, how will you remain satisfied in your relationship/marriage across the marital life cycle?

Before this class love was everything. As I said earlier in why I wanted to get married, love was the reason. Now after the class, I still think love is important but not everything. It is a foundation, a place to build upon. I think as long as you keep that foundation and remember why you love someone it will help maintain stability.  am not so naive to think that the feeling isn’t going to wane in particularly stressful times, like raising kids or when it comes to money. But I think as long as you have a plan, money-wise, kid-wise, etc…, that the love can be kept up. I don’t think love is everything anymore, but happiness and enjoyment play large roles too. I will remain satisfied in my marriage by never getting too comfortable and always working, because my life and marriage will always be changing too.

Here it is; the final. Although I understood we would be talking about obiously marriage and family, I did not expect to cover such a wide range of aspects on it in dealing with people, society (not as the eyeball looking down, much as the sociological view of the process of getting married and having kids from beginning to end.

The Finale: Option 2

What is the purpose of Marriage?

Legally, i believe that marriage is just a contract between two people that states who to perminately contact in cases of emergencies,who to hand all your debt to and its an agreement in accordance of two becoming one under the governments scope.
But what i believe the purpose of marriage to show to your partner your commitment in the relationship. To know that someone wants to be there for you emotionally, physically and spiritually spending the rest of their life with you is amazing! Sociologist explains various reasons for marriage that because its a cultural norm we feel the need to get married and we tend to look down upon those who are not married the older we get, which is true. It's better to be married and have kids then to have kids and not be married. Despite ones commitment to another nothing is official or accepted unless you have the contract.

Why do you want to get married?

I want to get married solely for the tax break! I'm 100% joking on that. I'm no exception i want to get married for love as do most people. I believe that by having God as the foundation i know that his plan is in the works. Therefore I should never fear the what his plans are for me in dealing with relationships. The fact that someone loves me enough and wants me to have their children is crazy! I mean im a catch sure don't get me wrong. I do pride myself in being a bag of hot tomales, but someone who can handle me being a twin, my sassyness, my laziness yet still want to be with me?! That is definetly a gift from God! But I am also influenced by our norms – that it is beneficial for me to marry, so that you can have someone to share financial stability, physical security, and aid you in having and raising children and in doing so leave behind a name/legacy.

Who am I likely to marry?

This question is kind of awkward to me just because i feel like i have to rave about what i like. But I am probably going to marry a black male, who is at least 6ft tall. Someone who is tolerant, strong, Christian, obviously the typical qualities girls look for, funny, smart, loving, caring, blah blah. More than likely i'll marry someone who comes from the same socioeconmic background as I. And something that is key in my opinion is having the same view on social issues. I don't think i could have a political conversation with someone who doesn't believe in gay rights or other high debate social issues. Another thing is i need a black MAN! no little kid arguements or petty things to dispute. When God says I'm ready. I want a strong, assertive, confident black man, who has a job, went to college, and knows how to take care of his family, especially in relations with his children!

What kind of family structure do you expect to have and how will it compare to now?

Well, despite the critics from the pecking order, i want to have 5 children. Its a lot a know but i love big families. Growing up in a house with just 3, consisting of my mom, sister, and I, I always loved it when my family came into town. A house full of life excites me, people running around, food always readily available, GOOD FOOD AT THAT, it is definetly the opposite of my household now. We all tend to seperate into our own corners of the house doing our on thing. The only since of noise you usually hear is music or the tv. Don't get me wrong we joke and talk and my sister and I play all the time together, but that gets old after the first few hours. But there are some downsides to having that many, first and most importanat is the distribution of resources. Which I do not think will be an issue because i understand that this is only if i know i can supply all of there needs equally. I won't have 5 children knowing i can only afford to send 2 off to college at the same level of school, or that only 3 of them will get a chance to go to disney world. I understand that the speculation and idea all generate from who i marry and what i become in the future. Since i plan to be a pediatric nurse i know that i can at least afford some. But part of the reason I chose to be a nurse is so i do not have to depend on a man to supply the needs of my children not more financially. I refuse to be one of the those women who can not leave an unhappy marriage because they can't afford the same lifestyle they have given to their children. Which is why the 5is conditional, but for now I'm going to stick with the 5. But because my parents are divorce, I don't really see any affect on my view of marriage. Maybe its because they divorced at a young age so I don't really see its toll on me now and in dealing with relationships. In my eyes i believe I have gained more from that experience. I know that I should never HAVE to depend on a man and like the saying goes "I can do bad all by myself" Of course, no one wants to do so and they idea that you have someone there for your is great. But by seeing my mom raise my sister and I and how much of an inspiration she has been to me with her strength, I know that with God by my side I can do all things.

How likely am I to divorce?

Pretty likely statistically speaking, and I believe I am too. Of course, I do not wish such things nor want such things but like i mentioned before because I have seen and grew up in a household of divorce i know what to expect. My mom always said that the home is a house of peace and if i don't have peace in my house there is a problem. Seeing my mom stand for what she believes she deserves inspires me to do the same. Yet at the same time i fear that because of this i am at a higher risk for divorce. I guess the only true solution for this is to stay prayed up with God, hoping for the best. Now reading over all this I realize I am definetly at high risk. ha! and i have yet to mention love.

How important is love in the context of the stability of your future romantic relationships/marriage?

SOoo love is the reason, not the season. Therefore, I want to marry for love and I know that love will be the bond the keeps us together. That and God of course, but its not a temporary thing. Its a constant year round all day everyday process of prayer and faith that God has the relationship in pocket. Spending time together just remember why you married each other in the first place. Faith is the most important thing to me here though. Studying, living out, and praying, God's word together keeping him as the foundation is parallel to the stabilty and future the relationship. By establishing those grounds earlier and finding someone who believes the same thing reminds you of why you fell in love with that person in the first place. At least in my eyes.

Assuming this a general goal of long-term relationships, how will you remain satisfied in your relationship/marriage across the marital life cycle?

I honestly don't know the answer to this, I guess I'm a little young for these types of questions. And it doesn't really help that im not in a relationship nor want to be at this stage in my life. Mostly because 95% of black guys aren't even thinking about marriage let alone a relationship right now in there lives, but counseling is my best bet. I know me and my future boo can not be to stubborn or proud to speak out our problems in the relationship. I know its hard for me to communicate my emotions now and I tend to be vague when discussing my feelings so communication openness and REALNESS with each other. No sugar coating just openly stating the problems within the relationship is very important to me. If tom is staying late at the office and secretary Sally is too. I want to know if she is making advances openly. Because if i find out that she's been trying to make moves from Edward, Tom's business partner, WE HAVE A PROBLEM. I need open communication. I should never have to accuse because we should have a swinging door communication system. Now if your cheating on me....THATS A DIFFERENT STORY! I'm probably going to dislike you either way but i'll have a little bit (0.08%) more respect that you can openly say it rather than being a coward and hiding it. It will hurt me more, but at least I'll be realistic about the relationship rather than fronting.

At the beginning of this class my perspectives on many sociological issues were quite different than they are now. I think that I had never been challenged to think any differently than I had always been taught. I didn’t even know how to look at an issue from a sociological prospective. Today, I feel that I can view the world, my life, and the decisions I make through a different lens than I have been accustomed to. While there are some issues that still remain firm in my belief and understanding of, others I have learned to see differently, and for that, I am very grateful for this class.

Take, for instance, the issue of marriage. Since I was a very little girl I have always wanted to get married for love. Love and companionship were the main benefits in my mind for entering into a covenant union of marriage. I believe I have been deceived by media and culture into thinking that the only reason marriage is a good thing is because of romance, when the fact of the matter is that romance does not last long in marriage. Today I look forward to getting married because it will produce children, it will be economically beneficial, it will bring tax benefits, and yes, it will bring companionship. My gaze has been set higher than just being swept off my feet. I think that, as it was years ago, marriage essentially brings provision and protection. I am fine with that.

In the same way, I believe the purpose of marriage is just that. It is not simply companionship, though most people need that. I believe that the provision, protection, and familial aspects that come along with marriage are the real purposes behind it. Even the Bible instructs us to be fruitful and multiply. One way to do that safely and securely is through marriage. I believe that we have gotten away from what marriage originally was and it is interesting to see that divorce is such a prominent occurrence now. Maybe had the purpose of marriage remained simply for provision and protection, marriages would not be falling apart so easily today.

I think that the kind of person I marry will be a lot like my dad. I tend to fall on the structure side of the argument on this point. I believe we tend towards what we have always known and seen demonstrated. For the same reason that alcoholism and abuse can continue down family lines, I believe that we often marry people like our parents, whether we want to or not. So many women that have abusive fathers end up in abusive marriages. Maybe this is because what we have seen and experienced our whole lives has conditioned us to follow a similar pattern. Anyway, I believe the kind of person I marry will be a lot like my father.

When it comes to how many children I want to have, my opinions are closely linked to that of my own families. I have grown up hearing my parents talk about how having only one child is just cruel to that individual. They chose to have three children and they have always thought that having any less than that is almost wrong. I am the oldest of three children and I don’t think it is a coincidence that I do not want to have any less than three children. I believe that because my own family had three, I now want three or more. Now, after having read the facts about family size and the division of resources, it really caused me to think about what I wanted for my family. I want to be able to devote all that I can to raising my children and be able to give them as much emotional, educational, and physical support as I can. I have learned that this becomes very difficult the more children enter the picture. So while I feel I am predisposed to having more children, what I have learned from this class has caused me to rethink that.

My family has set a very firm example for me. As I am writing this final blog I am realizing more and more that I am landing on the structure side of the argument. I believe that what I have been exposed to and seen my whole life will greatly impact my life outcomes. My parents are not divorced and have never been married to anyone else. Each of them waited to have sex until they were married and therefore they did not cohabitate. They had three children and raised us to be cohesive and close. I have every intention and desire to do the exact same thing. I think that I will be less likely to divorce because of the strong marriage example I have witnessed throughout my life. I hope to raise a family as successfully as my parents did.

Love is a tricky aspect to this whole marriage and family thing. I have some strong opinions on it. I know that love is the primary reason people get married today. But, I feel that where many people go wrong is when they expect love to be an emotion. Emotions are fickle and fading. They change with weather, hormones, and circumstances. I for one, could never base such an important life decision on such a fleeting emotion. Therefore, I believe that love is not so much an emotion as it is a choice. We make a promise or a covenant to be married to someone and we choose to love them even when we don’t feel it. I think that many people feel that when the feeling of love is gone, their marriage is over. I think that it is during that time that one must begin to work even harder. It’s worth it. So, how important is love when it comes to the stability of marriage? I’d say it depends on how you view love. I think that other factors such as money and the wellbeing of children are equally important things to consider alongside love. Love is unpredictable. It affects the stability of marriage if you let it.

Throughout marriage I hope to remain satisfied by making sure that personal interests are still pursued. I want to work to avoid the dramatic second shift. I want to rise above the depression that often plagues stay at home moms by investing in hobbies and activities that give me a purpose and a passion. I want to be one that defies the statistics and stays sexually active with my husband. I want to work hard in order to remain successful and avoid the stresses and pressures of money issues. I believe that all of these things will contribute to the success of my marriage and keep me satisfied.

I have learned so much from this class. I have always viewed marriage and family from a particularly warm and fuzzy lens. I think that had I answered these questions at the beginning of the semester I may have even taken on more of an agency perspective. I believe that I can see these issues for what they really are now. I think that I am not operating independently but that I am in some ways, a product of my circumstances. I don’t think that this is always deterministic. There are things I can work to overcome, and I will work very hard to do that.

I can’t believe the semester is over. It all flew by so fast.

I decided to do option two for the final to see my different views on marriage before and after the class.

Here it is!

Why do you want to get married?

Before taking this course I wanted to get married because I wanted to marry a woman that I fell in love with and someone that God lead me to. Marriage is something that I see in my family as a positive thing. My parents still enjoy one another after 25 years of marriage and that’s something I want.

After taking this course I want to get married because I want to marry someone that I love and that it is someone that God has in store for me to be with the rest of my life. Also, this class has made me look at it from a financial standpoint as well. It would always be nice if you have that to fall back on.

What is the purpose of marriage?

Before taking this course I wanted to be with someone that I loved and to be with that person forever. To have a family of my own that I could cherish and provide for. I want to be committed to someone.

After taking this course I still want to be with someone that I love but at the same time I might have to realize that her or I can be in it for other reasons.

Who (what kind of person) are you likely to marry?

Before I wanted to marry a woman who loves me as much as I love her and someone who I would consider as my best friend. Someone who cares about me and would do anything to make the marriage work.

After I realized that I still want the same things but that I have to realize that I will probably marry someone of the same social status as me and will have the same views as I do.

What kind of family structure do you expect to have?  How many children?

Before I said I want good solid family structure. I want a family of four, me and my wife and two kids, one boy and one girl. I want to have a great job where my wife doesn’t have to work and that she will be able to take care of the kids while I’m at work.

After I still want the same thing. Me and my wife and two kids, one boy and one girl.

How will your family compare with the family you have come out of?  (e.g. if your parents divorced, how will this affect your chances of divorce)

Before-My family will be similar to mine now. Have a happy family. My parents are still married and seem better than ever. I want that in my family. I don’t know what it is but I have dated a few girls and they have all come from divorced families. My girlfriend of 3 years parents are divorced and she has always told me she doesn’t want to go through a divorce. I know that kids parents that are divorced are more like to get divorced but for some reason I think I still have to take the chance. We don’t have to be like everyone else, we can prove that isn’t how it has to work all the time.

After-Similar as to what my family is now. I think that when I get married I will do whatever it takes for the marriage to work and to have a great solid family.

How likely are you to divorce?

Before-I will never get divorced. I know people that have been through one and never want to experience that or put a family through a divorce. I am supposed to be with my wife until death do us part.

After-Same as above. Coming from a family that does not have divorce I am less likely to divorce. Doesn’t mean that it can’t happen but I will do whatever it takes to save my marriage.

How important is love in the context of the stability of your future romantic relationships/marriage?

Before-Love is very important in marriage. You have to have love and chemistry.

After-Love is very important in marriage but that it is not the only thing that will hold one together. You have to have someone to talk to and to work together with you on making the marriage work outside of the love aspect.

Assuming this a general goal of long-term relationships, how will you remain satisfied in your relationship/marriage across the marital life cycle?

Before this class was to love each other and to do everything you can to make it work and at the end of the day you have to believe God put my wife and I together and that we have to have trust in him.

After this class I believe that I have to be able to communicate with my wife and we have to be able to work through things as ONE. I have to understand that there is going to be curve balls thrown our way but we have to rely on faith and our belief in God at the end of the day to get us through whatever it might be.

I thought this option would be a better one for me to take because of its relevancy to my own life, since I’m getting married in a little over a month. As I looked over the questions in this prompt it became apparent that I, like most people, hope that agency wins out over structure in numerous areas in my marriage. However, as we have learned throughout this course this year, many times the structure of society dictates how we will behave. We all want to believe that we are independent and different, but people commonly go along with the trends set in motion. Thus, for each of the questions asked in this prompt, I will try to examine my personal answer and then put it in the context of the structure of marriage (i.e. what people tend to do.)

1. Why do you want to get married?

Like most people, I am marrying for love and companionship. There are certainly numerous other reasons people get married, including the desire for children, social pressure, attempting to escape parental control, religious reasons, and as an attempt to acquire more resources. Despite all of these secondary reasons to get married, love remains the overwhelming reason people in the United States get married, and I am certainly no exception in that regard. Other factors, mostly economic, played into the timing of my proposal, but as a reason to get married they were purely secondary.

2. What is the purpose of marriage?

This question kind of ties in with #1. Some people say the purpose of marriage is to have kids, which I suppose is biologically accurate. However, I think the more common reason (and the one I subscribe to) is that marriage represents a commitment between two people to stay together until one passes away. The purpose of marriage lies in the commitment, and while other factors, especially financial ones, are important, this emotional reason is primary.

3. Who am I most likely to marry?

Well, I kind of have a heads up on that one J I ended up marrying almost exactly the way sociology dictates I should. My fiancée has the same education level as I do, she is from the same town as me, she has the same system of faith and beliefs, and is the same age as I am. All of these similarities are extremely important in finding a future spouse, and most people tend to marry those who line up with them seriously—marriages between San Franciscans and Arkansans are rare, as are marriages between 35-year olds and 22-year olds. The unwritten rules of society dictate that you are supposed to marry someone who matches up with you in these categories, and in that sense I abided by the rules.

4. What kind of family structure do you intend to have?

Lindsey and I have talked about kids and we’re not 100% sure we want kids, which is a common thought for young couples, especially college-aged couples. However, we have both said that if we have kids we would want 2. Yet again, we match up well the average American family, where having 2-3 children is the expectation. Most families want to have a smaller family—it’s easier in terms of resources and ensures that parents’ attention can be focused on children equally (or so the parents believe.)

5. How will your family compare with the family you come out of?

I obviously hope that Lindsey and I will be married until one of us dies, and that is my expectation. Thankfully, sociology says that is a likely scenario because of our upbringing and family history. My parents are still happily married after 27 years, and Lindsey’s parents are also still married. Because we have seen successful marriages modeled for us while we were growing up, Lindsey and I are more likely to have a successful marriage ourselves. In addition, the way our family functions is likely to bear striking similarities to the families we came out of. Because family is something that is almost always learned from experience, not books, people tend to run their families the way their parents did—go with what you know. I expect Lindsey and I to generally follow this pattern.

6. How likely are you to divorce?

Here’s where I hope and expect agency to win out over structure. Naturally, I think there is 0% chance that Lindsey and I will get divorced—if I felt differently, I wouldn’t feel ready to commit to marrying her. However, statistics say that we have a 40-50% chance of divorce (depending on which rate you are looking at). Our chances are better than some because we have all of our needed resources, we come from successful families, we are well-educated, and our families approve of our marriage; these are all determining factors in divorce.

7. How important is love in the context of the stability of your future romantic relationships/marriage?

Love is extremely important in marriage; it is the foundation upon which my marriage will be built. As mentioned earlier, it is the most common reason people get married. However, sociologically love as a driving force behind marriage tends to wane after years, replaced by financial needs and the struggle to raise successful children. Again I hope that agency wins out over structure and that Lindsey and are able to keep our marriage run by love, not just by the checkbook or the kids’ soccer schedules.

8. Assuming this a general goal of long-term relationships, how will you remain satisfied in your relationship/marriage across the marital life cycle?

Lindsey and I will remain satisfied in our marriage by making sure we continue to make time for each other and continue to communicate. Too many couples accept marriage as an end rather than a new phase of a relationship—they think the work stops when they say “I do” and that now things will fall into place. Lindsey and I both recognize that is not the case, that marriage is a lot of hard work. Therefore, in order for us to remain happy with our marriage, we will make sure we are putting each other’s needs above our own and are willing to be self-sacrificial for the other person.

In answering these questions it became apparent that I, like so many other people, have fit the structural expectations for marriage. From my expectations of what marriage will be like to the spouse I chose, I have generally fit along the established patterns. Nonetheless, I am a unique person with free will, and I hope and expect that my agency will win out in certain areas, particularly question #6. The key, I think, is recognizing the importance of societal structures in our independent decision making, rather than ignoring them. If we can recognize that sometimes yes, society made me do it, we can better make our own decisions.

First off, I just want to say that I cannot believe this semester is pretty much over and we have reached the end of this class. I will admit, I was wary at first, it was not like any other class I have had and there was not much that was concrete about it. However, I have thoroughly enjoyed this class and have found all our discussions interesting (which were actually discussions and people talking back and forth, instead of a professor hoping that will happen and awkwardly standing in front of a silent class!), enlightening video clips and the panels-my favorite. It is so nice to take classes that are enjoyable and also informative!

Now onto the assignment. In this post I will be musing over the questions in the second option applying my own ideas and also information learned throughout this semester.

Getting married has always been a part of my future plans. Ever since I was a little kid I have always just planned on getting married and being a wife when I was older. Initially my first response and answer to the question of why marriage, is the stereotypical answer: love. But when I think about further, I start to wonder why that is my reason. When I view this question through sociological lens I can see the idea of marriage is what I have become conditioned to as being one as of the roles of women. People in my family are all married and even seeing families in shows and movies ever since I was little depicted life as being more complete when one is married. As far as the question of the purpose of marriage I again first think of to be with the person I love. But after taking this class I realize many more benefits that are not quite as romantic such as tax breaks and the reassurance of two incomes instead of only one plays a substantial role in people deciding to get married.

As I am dating someone and have been for over two and a half years the question of ‘what does the person I want to marry look like’ is fairly easy to answer as I can just describe him. The man I will marry not only is physically attractive, but demonstrates qualities that make him a valuable life-mate, such as being responsible, caring for others, being good with money, having valuable communication skills and a strong faith in the Lord and a religious background. It is easy to first only think of things like e funny, good-looking, strong, in shape (which my boyfriend is =D), which, don’t get me wrong are important! But from another more practical standpoint and through viewing marriages more as a contract it is important to marry someone who will in essence be a good business partner. Being a partner and working together is necessary in everything that takes place in a marriage from running the household, someone -usually the man- being a spiritual leader, managing the money, to raising kids requires collaboration and compromise.

I remember a conversation we had in class kind of busting the myth that opposites attract. I was sort of surprised to hear that people end up finding others attractive when they share similar characteristics. This is kind of hard to swallow because I guess that means we are all pretty shallow. However, after thinking about it, this makes sense and this idea is generally widely applicable. My boyfriend and I both have blue eyes, lighter skin, and light brown/dirty blonde hair. In fact, one time one of my boyfriend’s friends after seeing a picture of the two of us asked if I was his sister. The only way “opposites” attract is in features that compliment the relationship. For example, I am more planning oriented and prone to stress while my boyfriend is more relaxed and go with the flow. This enables us to work well together and over the years we have both moved and worked towards more of a middle ground.

I have always pictured the nuclear family as what I would have- a husband, two kids and pets. I remember thinking since I was little and playing house and also after I got a little older, around my preteen years that I liked the equal parent to kid ratio! 2 parents: 2 kids. It is convenient and practical. I want this many kids also because it is what I grew up with and what I am used to. However, it is interesting that my parents only had two kids because my mom was one of four and my dad was one of three. My boyfriend has two siblings and in our very vague discussion about kids wayyyyy in the future he wants more than just two. But, after reading The Pecking Order and learning that despite parents’ best efforts at making things exactly equal between their kids it is just not possible. I think I might re-read this book before I decide for sure how many kids I want to have. As far as the other aspect of family structure -parental status- I have been very fortunate that my parents are still together and are not divorced. Because of my exposure to married parents for my whole life, in addition to being raised in the church, the likelihood of me getting divorced is very slim. When I marry I will do it with the intention of never getting married again.

Love is 100% vital in my future marriage, but I understand that love is not simply a feeling; it’s a choice! Obviously, being in love feels good, but the butterflies eventually stop flying around so hectically and you settle in to enjoying the person. Love is deeper than just an emotion because when you are angry with your spouse, you still love them. When you’re upset and feeling like dirt, you still can express and feel love for them and they’ll be there to help.

I think the most important thing in relationships whether romantically, familial or between friends is COMMUNICATION. This has been something that has been drilled into me as a kid; in fact, it is sort of a family joke now. However, it is very true. I have learned that most all conflicts result from lack of or poor communication. With this being said, I think communicating and being completely honest with one’s spouse is crucial in maintaining a working marriage. Another thing spouses have to decide together is what roles they will each play. In watching the video about the second shift, I realize that some roles in my marriage will be based on what I am good at and what I will enjoy- folding laundry, making dinner, keeping the house in order. I do not want my future husband to just assume I will always do something or that he doesn’t have to do something based on a stereotype. I also don’t want to have to always delegate roles for what needs to get done. That seems like it would be tiresome and annoying.

Thinking through these sorts of questions is fun and exciting, but it also makes me realize that I am not in a rush to get married!

I thoroughly enjoyed your class this semester; I think that it is a much more practical subject to learn about than about 95% of the classes I have taken at Baylor and I sincerely thank you for making the class so interactive and interesting, as well as for putting up with my disorganization, to say the least, throughout the semester. I hope you found my posts readable, hopefully they were somewhat comical, in the intended places, and I hope that you have a wonderful summer.

This last post is less a blog and more a rant. And that rant will be directed whole heartedly against make-up. The idea of make-up is just insane when coming from a man’s perspective. If someone told me I was going to have to wake up and hour earlier than I otherwise would have to, and alter my appearance as to appear more attractive to the opposite sex. I would think it a ridiculous idea. But women do it every day, and it annoys me so much for a couple pretty basic reasons. One: it is a waste of money. I am as much a red-blooded money hungry capitalist as the next guy but an entire industry is based on making women feel inadequate in the skin that they were born with, that seems wrong and wasteful. Two: waste of time, I have two sisters and have had a girlfriend or two, I have probably spent somewhere around 30 years of my life waiting on women to get ready, now that might be an exaggeration but it sure feels like 30 years and it probably was in dog years. Three: maybe girls need more makeup because they are missing out on beauty sleep they could have otherwise gotten had they not needed to wake up early to apply makeup, yeah, I know, that was deep. Four: if a girl never wore makeup she would never look so bad without makeup, it’s the same way that after a drastic haircut it rarely looks good to people because the drastic change is shocking to people. Five: makeup is based on the assumption that men are so shallow that you could not attract them without looks, I know countless girls that when I first met them I did not find them the least bit attractive but as I got to know them better their great personalities accentuated their physical appearance much more than any stupid tresume ever could.

I have decide to take the second option for the final and look at myself, how this class has changed my perspectives on marriage, and what I expect to gain from getting married and starting a family from the perspective of what I learned in this class.

   I personally want to get married for several reasons: because I would not like to live alone my whole life, because despite my opinions now someday I wouldn’t mind having children, if my wife worked it would be additional income, whenever I run for political office sometimes being unmarried can be an impediment in ones campaign, tax purposes, and hopefully I meet someone I love and want to be with. Some would look at all these reasons and think I’m callous but I would refer to them more as pragmatic.

   I am likely to marry a Caucasian female who looks about like me, in terms of attractiveness, from a middle class background and with at least a bachelor’s degree. I think that we will be less likely to get divorced, despite some statistics that point to the contrary, because the fact that my parents are divorced and I am much more careful than children who have no experience with divorce. I hope to have a small family, less than three children, as I come from a family of three. I hope to have boys and girls because I think it is important for boys and girls to be able to relate to the opposite sex and it is easier for someone to do this if they have siblings whom they’ve grown up with of the opposite sex. I want them to be within a close age, that way we can get them out of the house at around the same time and they can learn from one another’s experiences. I expect all of our children to go to college as both their parents did.

   What’s love got to do with it? In this class we have learned that “love” is really less important than circumstance and socioeconomic background. And I don’t think that this is a cynical view, it is a logical view. Despite the romantics that would scoff at this, I think that it is better for the notion of love to look at certain relationships and say “they are very unlikely to succeed because..” and not necessarily avoid those relationships but accept that the relationships themselves, and the people in them didn’t fail, the circumstances simply were not conducive to the continuance of the relationship. Which is definitely a great way to break up with someone, “it’s not you, it is the conduciveness of the circumstances important to the continuance of our relationship, and here are some flowers.”  

The last question we are supposed to answer is “How will you remain satisfied in your relationship/marriage across the marital life cycle?” And I can comfortably say, I have absolutely no idea, and I can confidently say neither does anyone else. While it is easy to say “I will make sure that my wife is aware that having kids is going to be a hard time in our marriage..” that does not change anything, I mean practically, what can I do? Put that on the refrigerator so she is reminded everyday that her stress is not my fault and she doesn’t need to divorce me. I don’t think seeing that note everyday would be beneficial for the kids in the house. The fact is that getting married and raising a family is not a test that you can study for and learn all the tricks about, marriage and family is life and if you were to lead your whole life without any changing circumstances, with no curveballs that are going to knock you down sometimes, than you’re never going to be satisfied with your life because you’ll never overcome a challenge. The sad truth is the closest thing you can do to ensure that you will lead a successful and happy life is get rich by writing a book on how to lead a successful and happy life. I hope that my posts have not been to philosophical for your tastes as I have been absorbed in my philosophy classes of late and I’m not sure that I have yet turned the switch off.

In my explore assignment I would like to look at a family of three children. Two girls and a boy. The oldest girl is 29, the youngest 27 and the boy is 25. The relative closeness in the ages of the children was beneficial when they were growing up because they had relatively related interests in their youth. The birth order lead to an uneven distribution in resources to the eldest girl because she got good at softball at the earliest point therefore leading the parents to invest more resources in developing her skills and eventually leading her to become the head softball coach at a division one college. The boy, being the only male got the second most resources and time because he was the only one in the family that could participate in the most important thing in any small town, high school football. His parents hired tutors to ensure that he would maintain a high enough GPA to play football and have a chance at playing division one football, as well as resources developing his football skills. While his football skills did not lead to a division one football scholarship the tutoring sessions led him to the University of Texas, despite considerably lower grades in middle school and junior high than both his sisters. Luckily the small family size allowed the middle sister to participate in competitive cheer, and while there was no substantive benefit from this activity it gave her self esteem boosts in a climate where the majority of applause and accolades were going to her brother and sister. Oddly, in their youth the boy and oldest sister were the most attractive. As they had dark skin and brown hair, while the middle sister could only be described as “ginger”ish, however, as she grew up the freckles faded, the hair turned blonde, and she became the most attractive of all of the siblings and has seen a signifigant benefit from this in her social life as well as in the career world.