Marriage & Family

Over Easter break I went to Improv Comedy Club to see Owen Benjamin headline. One of his jokes reminded me of a discussion we had in class about gender differences.

The basis of his joke was that women are paid more for their eggs than men are for their sperm. Therefore, his conclusion was that society value women more than men.

Biologically, women have a limited number of eggs while men have an UNlimited number of sperm. Procedurally, women have to go under the knife to retrieve their eggs while men don’t.

Beside those 2 facts, we can look at it socially. Women are described as “delicate flowers”, while men are “rough” and “aggressive” beings. The difference between a virgin female and a non-virgin female have such drastic nuances to them. While a virgin male and a non-virgin male, it doesn’t really make a difference. It can even be twisted that men earn a living and make their careers FOR their spouses and women aren’t necessarily held to that standard. Rather, women are expected to bear the children.

But with all of these examples, it seems that women’s bodies are of value rather than women themselves. A woman has to be “pure” referring to her body. A woman has to bear children, referring to her body. Just look at society, there is a market is selling women’s bodies (i.e. strip clubs, prostitution). Does that market exist for men? Recently it has begin to but it is nothing compared to the exploitation of women. So in my opinion, women’s bodies are treated of more value than their skills. While for men it is vice versa.

From: http://www.mypatraining.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/final-exams.jpg

Why do you want to get married?
Before: For love of course! Because I want to spend the rest of my life with that person.
After: I still want to marry for love. I still want to marry for companionship. On top of that, I would also like to start a family (the natural order of things – have kids, etc.). There are also tax benefits that come with being married as well as having children. Being married is also very economical because the finances, chores, etc can be shared.

What is the purpose of marriage?
Before: To start a family.
After: The main purpose of marriage (usually) is to start a family with the person you love. Legally, the purpose of marriage is to create that status/title and for documentation. The status allows the government to provide tax benefits where applicable. The documentation allows the government to know what and how to divide (i.e. children, finances, assets) if divorce ensues.

Who (what kind of person) are you likely to marry?
Before: I will likely marry someone I share common interests and that I am attracted to.
After: Opposites attract but commonalities are the glue to a relationship. I will likely marry someone that I have more commonalities than just interest. The person will probably be in the same social class and have an equal level of education as me. It is more likely that I will marry someone of the same religion than not. Therefore our values will also be similar.

What kind of family structure do you expect to have?  How many children?
Before: I would like at least 2 children (if I can get 1 girl and 1 boy). If not, the maximum is 4 children. However my boyfriend would only like 2 children.
After: After this class, I understand my boyfriend’s concern for only wanting 2 children. He came from a really big family (7 children total). His parents didn’t have enough resources from time to money. I came from a family with just 3 children so I feel like my parents had adequate resources to spread around. I still stick to my original family structure plan because I feel that what I’ve learned in class backs up my decision. The maximum of 4 children is not too much and not too little. And I would only to striving for that many to get at least 1 girl and 1 boy.

How will your family compare with the family you have come out of?  (e.g. if your parents divorced, how will this affect your chances of divorce)
Before: My parents are still married and I know they had to work hard for that to happen. Every marriage has ups and downs and I feel that it’s how two people deal (and/or compromise) when they have their downs that is the difference between a long lasting marriage and a divorce.
After: Traditionally, divorce is not common among the Vietnamese culture. My mom has always emphasized staying married to the one you are with (unless the circumstances include something extreme like infidelity). Culturally, this lowers my chances of divorce (hopefully).

How likely are you to divorce?
Before: I hope not likely at all!
After: Aside from the type of people my boyfriend and I are, from our backgrounds it is UNlikely that we will divorce. No one in my family has ever divorced (well except for one extreme case involving infidelity and domestic abuse). Even when my grandfather became a refugee of Vietnam and fled to Argentina and my grandmother was still in Vietnam, they never saw each other again but kept in contact through letters and phone. They stayed married the entire time. No one in my boyfriend’s family has divorced either. So I will keep my fingers crossed that it’ll be a trend that I carry on!

How important is love in the context of the stability of your future romantic relationships/marriage?
Before: I feel that love is very important; it is what got two people together it should exist to KEEP two people together.
After: We learned in class that one of the top reasons for divorce or unhappiness in a marriage is the loss of love in a relationship. Therefore it must be pretty important to keep two people together. I know it takes much more than just love to have a happy marriage; however it is a lot of things on top of love. Therefore if there is NO love than the relationship cannot thrive. The problem is when people get too entrenched in everything else besides their spouses is when the situation arrives. It is when people don’t make an effort to see the love.

If you have a facebook, log in and read this story. I don’t know if it is true or not but it has a good message.

http://www.facebook.com/notes/kimmies-floral/in-a-relationship-married-or-not-you-should-read-this/10150257510555503

For my final explore assignment I have decided to look at the Griffin family from the Show Family Guy. Within this family there is Peter Griffin, the father, Lois Griffin, the mother, Meg Griffin, the daughter and the oldest, Chris Griffin, the first son and middle child, Stewie Griffin, the second son and the youngest, and Brian Griffin, the dog. This family is quite dysfunctional as the cartoon depicts but still show many of the aspects that we have learned about throughout the course. Some of these aspects that I will look at include relationship with parents, work, birth order, and obesity.

A relationship with the parents can seriously make or break any person and create the kind of person they will become. In the show each child has a very different relationship with their parents. Meg’s relationship is the worst because no one in the family respects her or cares about her. One scene I know that demonstrates this is when it’s Meg’s birthday and Peter and Lois forget how old she will be so they go and ask her. Peter: “Meg I got 16 candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound?” Meg: “That’s not right.” Peter: “So more? Less? Too many? Not enough?” Meg: “You stupid son of a gun (edited version), you don’t even know how old I am!” Lois: “Meg that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age. Or is it?” Meg: “I’ll be 17 you jerks!” Peter: “She’s the jerk.” Obviously the parents are not particularly concerned too much with how old Meg is or even what she’s doing for that matter. This relationship with her parents has led Meg to be a very socially awkward, suicidal at times girls that has little friends and a bit crazy at times. Chris’ relationship with his parents is a little different from his sister’s. Lois treats Chris just like any mother would, telling him to do his homework and stuff like that. Peter on the other hand treats Chris as more or a friend sometimes than a son. Peter: “I’m going to make you some hash browns for breakfast then I’m going to take you down to the whore house to lose your virginity. Would you like that?” Chris: “Would I?!” This is obviously something most normal fathers would not do when raising their son. This type of relationship has made Chris into a very socially awkward kid that has little friends and spends a lot of his time in his room. Stewie’s relationship is probably the most interesting and unusual of the three kids. Peter hardly notices the child and sometimes the audience is led to wonder if Peter knows he exists but he does occasionally. Lois on the other hand smoothers Stewie with love and is always there for him but Stewie wants nothing more than to kill his mother. Stewie: “You know mother life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get. Your life however is like a box of active grenades. Now I offer you one last chance. Return my mind control device. Or be destroyed.” Lois: “Awe you just want your toy back. Okay here you go honey.” Stewie: “Yes. Well. Victory is mine!” Although he is shown love by his mother and nothing from his father, Stewie still wants to kill Lois and it is very strange. From this relationship with his parents, Stewie is a very mean and cynical little baby and his only friend is Brian the dog.

Work is another aspect that helps move people along toward their goals in life. For the Griffin children, work is really more about the experiences and trying to survive them. Meg’s first job was working at a store called Superstore U.S.A. where she was one of the sales representatives and then became assistant manager. Then her father comes to work there and he is nothing but trouble. Meg’s first job as assistant manager is to fire her own father. Mr. Penisberg: “Your first responsibility is to fire that employee.” Meg: “But that’s my dad.” Mr. Penisberg: “What’s more important your job or your family? And don’t pick the obvious one.” Meg: “I’m sorry I have to say this but you’re a fat retard that’s incapable of performing the simplest tasks. But you’re also my father and you’re the only one I’ll ever have. So I’m not going to fire you. Mr. Penisberg I quit.” Peter: “Penisberg?!” Mr. Penisberg: “Yeah yeah get it out of your system.” As you can see through working with this company and with her dad, Meg came to realize what was truly important to her and that is a step toward becoming an adult. Chris also had an experience similar to Meg’s that helped him on the road to adulthood. When Chris and Meg both get a job at a convenience store, Meg gets fired and is pretty upset. Being a good brother, Chris tries to get Meg her job back. With great success he gets Meg her job back. Chris took some responsibility and was able to help out his older sister which shows maturity and a step toward becoming an adult.

Birth order is another important aspect of a family that shapes the very appearance of each member in the family. In the Griffin family, birth order doesn’t really matter. Normally the first born is supposed to be the star of the family, getting all the attention and getting a little more love because he or she was first. In Family Guy, Meg is the first born and her own father forgets who she is. Meg: “I just want to kill myself. I’m going upstairs and eating a whole bag of peanuts. I’m allergic to peanuts. You don’t know anything about me!” (Runs upstairs). Peter: “Who was that guy?” This shows that obviously the first born is not given the attention and love that most people have come to associate with the oldest child. The middle child is Chris and being the middle child people expect him or her to have to compete for love and affection from the oldest and youngest. In Family Guy, this is not entirely the case, probably due to the fact the no one really cares about Meg. Peter: “Now Chris I read a book saying women are from Venus. So here’s what you get her: thick layers of sulfuric acid, viscous surface rock, and coronae which seem to be collapsed domes over larger magma chambers. Here’s five dollars.” Peter is willing to help out his son get some ridiculous items where he barely knows who Meg is. Obviously there is more love and care for the middle child than the older one. The youngest is Stewie and being the youngest, people expect them to get a lot of attention because they are the baby in the family. In the Griffin household this is somewhat true. Lois showers Stewie with love all of the time but Peter doesn’t always show it. Lois: “Oh my God look at Stewie! Peter you took him out without any sunscreen?!” Peter: “Maybe.” Here Peter shows no care for Stewie even though he is burned to a crisp from being out in the sun all day without any sunscreen.

Obesity is a very important and life threatening thing to anyone in this world. It can cause serious health problems that can lead to death if not treated which can cause major grief within a family. On Family Guy, Peter is obese whereas Lois is in perfect shape. Meg isn’t obese but she is not the skinniest girl and subsequently lowers her self esteem. During a boat race, Meg is thrown overboard to make the boat go faster. She is picked up in fishing nets by some fishermen. One of them asks the captain what it is. The captain responds, “That is a manatee or as some call it the sea cow.” This shows that Meg is not seen as an attractive girl on the show. Chris is just like his father to where he is obese. One instance is where Chris is mistaken for a car. Bellhop to Peter: “I’m sorry sir but you’re going to have to move your car off the diving board.” Lois: “That’s our son.” Bellhop: “Oh really? Hey he’s not a car. It’s just a really fat kid.” This shows how bad Chris’ obesity really is and it’s affecting his appearance to other people. Stewie is the only one that is normal besides his mother. This may be because he is just a baby and hasn’t fully developed yet, but for the time being he is able to live health. However, his genes are primed to make him become obese if he isn’t healthy. One episode shows Stewie making fun of Chris being fat so Stewie mocks him by eating everything in sight. After awhile, Stewie becomes so huge that he can’t even reach his mouth with his own hand. Stewie has the potential to become like his father and brother if he’s not careful.

These are just a few things that we have learned about throughout the semester that make a family what it is. Each one is just as important as the next and there are many others that are not touched on. Even though the Griffin family is not the ideal family to model anyone’s family after, they still show us important things that a family should do but especially show what a family shouldn’t do.

i seriously do not understand beauty and appearance. i wish we would have gone into more detail about this subject, and talked more about why we wear makeup and stuff. i get that we wear makeup to look pretty, because we think we will look good. but why do we think this makes us look good? it just doesn’t make sense. why are some people more attractive than others? i have this theory that people are attracted to people who look like them. like ugly people like ugly people and so on (which i think has been proven). but that doesn’t explain why there is this high standard of celebrities and universal beauty. why do ugly people think that pretty people are pretty? why isn’t everyone on the same level? has it always been like this? what about other societies… do other races have a standard of beauty like we do? this is driving me crazy. i think ill have to do some research or something.

• Why do you want to get married?

i want to get married for many reasons, both because of structure and agency. i think i started out this course thinking i only wanted things because of personal autonomy. however, i feel like now i have developed my reasoning so that i am aware of how structure affects my personal opinions and choices. because of social structure, i want to get married in order to have stability and security in my life. marriage provides a partner to live life with,  and secures an additional income to use. i also want to get married in order to have kids, and build a family. that is not only what society says you should do to have kids, but i feel like that is what God wants for me. i believe in marriage because it creates a bond between people, on the inside and outside – through rings, contracts and legal considerations. getting married is a sign to people and the lord that you are ready for commitment and won’t back out as far as you can see.

• What is the purpose of marriage?

i see marriage as a binding contract between two people, to show their commitment to one another. it helps secure the relationship and encourage people to work on their problems, instead of walk out. it creates a stable environment for children, that they will hopefully feel safe to grow and learn in. marriage creates stability between the spouses so that they will have someone to lean on and back them up when they are in need. it provides financial backing, to what people say and do. it is more binding than simply living together, so the purpose is to unite a man and a woman in their love/or non-love and help them create a life together. i believe that God desires us to get married in order to have an outward symbol of our love and commitment to one one another. it is a covenant between us and God, showing that have chosen our spouse and promise to stand by them. for me there are two parts to marriage – the binding legal contract, and the covenant with God. Marriage serves to unite us physically, emotionally and spiritually, in a way that have never felt before.

• Who (what kind of person) are you likely to marry?

i am likely to marry a person who is strong in their faith and puts God first above all others. i see a man after God’s own heart who will lead me and be an example for me. i see a man who is attractive to me, makes me laugh, and has the same goals in mind. i will not sacrifice on beliefs. it is important for me to marry the person God has set out for me, who will show me how to love and will love God over everything else in his life. for me, attraction is the most important thing at the beginning of a relationship. if you not attracted to someone physically, chances are that you will not want to marry them. after the initial stage of good looks and body type, i have to be attracted to the person’s personality and mindset. i don’t want to peg down exact personality types, but at minimum they will be compatible with mine and we will enjoy each other. i see myself marrying a man who wants children and works hard in life. i also like the traditional roles of husband and wife, and am guessing i will choose someone who is similar.

• What kind of family structure do you expect to have?  How many children?

i expect to have a family structure similar to that of my family. i think society has shown me what the typical family is like, and i have enjoyed it so far. at home, my dad worked and my mom stayed home to care care of the children. i like this type of role and see myself taking care of the domestic responsibilities and raising our children. i will work if needed, but i would prefer to raise kids myself. i think that it is very important in the growth and development of a child to be there while they are growing up. i want to know how they are behaving, what they are learning, and be there to correct them when they fall short. i think these things because of what i have seen in society and my family, but my faith also ties into it. i want to raise my children with God as the center of their lives, and teach them what He is calling me to teach. i don’t have a set number of kids, but i will probably say more than one so that they will have someone to play with and not be selfish. i think that it is very hard to raise an only child who is socialized well and thinks of others. i know there are definitely exceptions, but some of the only children i know have significant setbacks that maybe wouldn’t have happened with other siblings in the house. also, it is just nice for them to always have a playmate and not expect their parents to entertain them.

• How will your family compare with the family you have come out of?  (e.g. if your parents divorced, how will this affect your chances of divorce) How likely are you to divorce?

my parents got divorced when i was 14. statistically, this raises my chances of divorce, and i know that. however, i do not plan on getting divorced and never want to. i think i have learned a lot from my parents about what not to do, and the importance of working it out. i think they could have worked it out and i know it would have been better for everyone involved. divorce is so common in society today and i hate that it is becoming such a quick option. i have learned from my parents what a relationship between husband and wife should not look like, and don’t plan on living like that. they had a lack of communication and weren’t on the same page with many things. differences in beliefs on how to raise and discipline children really tore them apart. i plan on deciding with my husband how we are going to raise our kids, before we even have them. i think it is important to be on the same page and present a united front even if you don’t agree with the other person. if you don’t do this it will quickly destroy you. no matter what society says, i will not get divorced unless it is out of my control and i can’t stop the process. staying true to my promise and remaining in the covenant relationship with my husband and God is too important to break that, no matter how bad i hate things. i have seen people work through horrible situations and know that it can be done.

• How important is love in the context of the stability of your future romantic relationships/marriage?

i think that love is not important at all to stability. shocker! no but really, i think that me and my husband will have priorities above each other and will have made promises to each other that keep us stable despite our differences. marriage is hard, i’m well aware of that and know that i will probably hate him at times. that doesn’t change the stability of the relationship and the importance of keeping our commitments. i think love makes the whole thing more enjoyable and that we will love each other unconditionally deep down, but on the surface we will probably fight and disagree and want out sometimes. but that doesn’t change a thing for me and hopefully it won’t for him either.

• Assuming this a general goal of long-term relationships, how will you remain satisfied in your relationship/marriage across the marital life cycle?

satisfaction for me comes from God and not relationships. i know this is probably not the right answer sociologically, but for me it is. i am not made complete by people, and will always be in need if i try to fill my heart with people and not my relationship with the Lord. He is the only one that can truly satisfy me and i know that without a doubt. it is like air. you can’t see it, can’t hear it unless you listen closely, but you need it to survive and it is the only things that will meet your needs. with or without a husband, i will only be satisfied by Jesus. He is the only one that can do this for me, no matter how much i fight back or avoid it. it sounds crazy and doesn’t make any sense, but He has given me this faith and assurance to know it’s true. i am not quoting anything or making up things, i really do believe this and it has become central to my identity. i honestly don’t know how people will be satisfied in their relationships if they are not centered on God. they probably just don’t.

once again its that time of year when classes end, i can truly say that i have learned alot about what it takes to make a marriage last. and that love isnt the only thing that makes a marriage work. it was a very fun semester, i really enjoyed my time learning about family and how we are structured sociologically and all that. i will carry this information with me and watch it unfold as i go on through life.

I have decided to tackle option 2 of the final assignment. Throughout the course of this course, I have felt that this class has had the most practical application to my life, and I think that this final assignment will allow me to synthesize all of my ideas into one understanding of my past, present, and future life. It was interesting to note that this is one of the few classes where an instructor told me, outright, that some of our choices are not all choices of free will. I have been in a few Great Texts classes and they certainly have taught me that free-will is restrained somewhat, but this class gave practical application to that.

In regards to why I want to get married, for purposes of social structure, I would say that the social norm and expectation for me to get married is why I want to get married. This comes from familial pressure, where my aunts and uncles, all of them, have been married, and pressure from my parents and grandparents especially because they want me to continue the family line and they “want grandkids and great-grandkids”. For me, this is part of not only the “American dream”, but the dreams of anyone who has had a taste of a nuclear family. I remember times in which my friends from school came over and they asked why my grandparents lived with me. Unknowingly, I replied that I thought all families did that, but, to my surprise, a lot of families don’t. That’s when I found out about different types of families, and, more specifically, the “in-law troubles”. Getting married puts a restrain on relationships when two families are, more or less, forced to connect based on marriage. From a social structure perspective, marriage is also used as a means to move up on the social ladder, which was one of the primary reasons for marriage in the past, and, with it, acquisition of more resources and capital. My personal autonomy would have me say that  I want to get married because I love the person I would marry because she is my best friend, and that I would love to have a partner with me for the rest of my life as I go through struggles and successes, stress and fun, and everything in-between. I’d like a partner who can experience the joys and sorrows and who I can share in their joys and sorrows. Sure, I joke in class about having a marriage partner so I can get tax relief or other pragmatic purposes, but I think far too many people in the world are still marrying for those types of things, and that’s why divorce is up. The socioeconomic conditions do not fit for marriage of that type in this day and time. If someone were to get married now, it better be for the lubby-dubby things, because there are a limited amount of fields where money would be the prime driving factor for marriage.

I’ve addressed this a little bit in the last two paragraphs, but I believe the purpose of marriage is to have a partner which you will, hopefully, spend the rest of your life with through joys and sorrows, achievements and disappointments, and all of those vanilla type of days in-between. Also, the purpose of marriage is to have a legal partner with which to disburse financial and legal manners, as well as make decisions on things such as medical treatment. Before I entered this class, I thought about the purpose of marriage only on the personal level, where the purpose of marriage was to signify, to the world that I’ve found the love of my life and she has found me. It was a sort-of achievement in my mind to get married because I have seen so many people who are still single and are middle-aged. Not only is marriage a matter of personal autonomy, but it is total personal autonomy. In this day and age, for the most part (except for arranged marriages), you choose who you are the marriage, taking into account the benefits and consequences. Some people marry because they had kids out of wedlock, and, so, to not offend parents and friends, they marry (see shotgun weddings). However, it is ultimately up to the decision of both the bride and groom whether they want to get married or not. With regards to social structure, once again, it is the norm, and there are pragmatic implications, which I noted above. In addition, I want to emphasize the important of the social status, because there are many outlets that are open or closed based on the level of the social ladder one is marrying into, which I will talk about in my next paragraph.

In response to the question, “Who (what kind of person) are you likely to marry?”, I would say that I would most likely marry someone who is the same or similar race and ethnicity as me, as well as the, more or less, same socioeconomic status in her family as my family. From a social structure perspective, marriage of this kind happens more often because there is already a similarity between couples which serves as a starting point for comparison and subsequent conversation. Although the socioeconomic status is not put forth upfront, I am able to judge their status based on the clothes they wear and the “accessories” they have on. Although this does not always work, observing what people wear can tell you about their status, as I learned in this class, for purposes of mate selection. Marrying someone that looks like me and has a similar background as me also makes it easier for my family to embrace her, as they have similarities to talk about. Since I am Asian, and, in particular Chinese, it is very important family-wise, to marry a girl who is “the same as us”. It is very difficult, though, when the girl is Asian and not Chinese. There have been numerous conversations with my cousins and well as me when it comes to a Chinese male dating a non-Chinese girl. Although there are some social concerns, my parents, unlike some, are O.K. with it, because they have grown up in a world where love is the first consideration, since divorce is never an option in play. From a personal autonomy point of view, I want someone who has enough similarities to me that we can talk openly and honestly about everything, but has differences also, so that I’m not dating myself. It is often interesting to hear about people who have found someone very similar to them, and they think that they’re the one, but then get heart-broken. Conversely, the opposites-attract phenomenon. From what I learned in this class, the “birds of a feather, flock together” is way more likely a successful relationship. With regard to the social ladder, I think that the social standing one has is pretty set in stone, but movement is possible with hard work and networking through people. If I marry someone lower, then the connections her family has are probably in the blue collar realm. Conversely, if I marry someone higher, then the chances of connection are probably in the white collar realm.

The family structure I expect to have, as I have learned, is borne out, in part, by the family atmosphere I was raised in. Consequently, I want to have three children, two boys and a girl, with a boy as the oldest and youngest. Social structure has dictated that the average amount of children a family has is two, but it is slowly lowering. However, I think that with the occupation that I am going to have, I will be able to support a family of five, with my wife also working. I have grown up in an environment where most families are dual-income households. Although my mom could be considered a homemaker, she helps my dad a lot at their small business. I have a younger sister, but my parents have always wanted two boys and a girl, which I can’t say influenced me in my choice, but it nevertheless is out there if I so choose to be influenced. Ultimately, I would have to make the decision with my future wife, but my say is half of the decision. I fully expect my wife to be working to support the family if I were not able to, but it is my hope that I find someone who is willing to work and spend time with the kids. Sorry for the “second-shift” poke, but that’s life.

Hopefully, the family I establish is one that resembles the nuclear family, although I don’t mind if that “ideal” isn’t reached. I fully expect to never divorce and to be able to work out conflicts during marriage. I have seen my parents fight a lot through the course of their marriage, but communication and flexibility is the key to a successful marriage. I strongly believe that if someone had the right intentions of getting married, then divorce really isn’t an option. Although I know that the divorce rate is nearly 50 percent, which seemed so high to me when I first heard the figure, it kind of makes sense in this tough economic time. Some families were barely making it before the economic downfall, but I feel that it is even better reason to stay together, in order to ration resources and save money. Obviously, the government doesn’t have the money to bail all families out, so it takes hard work from the family to keep it afloat, something I learned from my parents. But that is another rant. Back to the point, I would want to communicate with my partner about our problems and seek to resolve them as best as possible. Separation for a time may happen, but I think that divorce is never needed, because you had a good enough reason to marry the person (barring psychological malfunction).

In regards to the importance of love in the context of the stability of my future romantic relationships/marriage, it is central. Not only did I grow up watching Disney movies like most of my peers, but media has painted a picture that love is the reason (now) that people get married, especially with romantic comedies and whatnot. The social structure and history has dictated that “amor omnia vincit” and passages from the Bible say this and that about love.  However, I’ve had time to think about this personally, and my only answer to love is that it really does work itself out of tough situations. I’ve had numerous discussions, in my Great Texts classes especially, about he concept of love. Aristotle, Socrates, Dante, Boethius, Augustine, and even Bunyan have talked about love in one context or another. Whether it is a didactic lesson or a pragmatic axiom, love permeates our society, and I have been personally conditioned to be aware of love and its “power”. Some media outlets say love is this, and others say love is that, but it really is this inexpressible feeling. Love from dad to my mom is different than love from me to to my mom, or me to my girlfriend, or me to anybody else. It truly is borne from different aspects of different relationships. This is the principal reason why love needs to be stable, yet flexible, because people change throughout their lives, and love for one another needs to change with it. When children come into the picture, there is going to be a redistribution of resources; when a spouse dies, another redistribution, and so forth. So the same with love.

Satisfaction with romantic relationships and marriage is always a topic in life. I seemingly hear it almost everyday when I watch the Today Show or Good Morning America or one of those pseudonews morning shows. There is always a segment on “Spicing up your sex life” or “Doing new things with your partner” or “Getting out of that rut of marriage”. Really, I think that these segments are trying to make up for the lack of investment into a relationship or marriage on the part of one or both partners. In my opinion, a relationship cannot be fixed in one instance, but rather over time. We also talked about sex, and I think it is worth mentioning here. In various media outlets, we hear sex and think of intercourse, but not making love, for the most part. I think that being satisfied in a relationship is not only a pragmatic endeavor, but also a matter of intimacy. If one partner cannot give their all in the romantic aspects of a relationship, then it is going to tank because the invest of the other would have to compensate. That is why we hear of relationships falling apart where one partner is giving their all while the other does not. Again, love seems to be an integral part in being satisfied in a relationship. If it were not, they why do old couples still love each other when there are pickings for younger, more attractive people? Is this a victory of nurture over nature?

I’d like to take this time in thanking everyone in the class and Ashley for sharing your insights and experiences. I have truly enjoyed being in this class and have taken a lot of information away from this class. As I keep saying, this has been one of the most useful classes I have taken at Baylor, and it will definitely help me in the field of medicine, where I will see families of different varieties and different conditions, and it will help me to understand them better. Thanks and good luck on finals and have a great summer!!!

For the final assignment, I have chosen to blog about Option #2

• Why do you want to get married?/What is the purpose of marriage?
  I want to get married for the sole reasons of love, starting a family, and for religious reasons. When you find the person you are meant to spent the rest of your life with, you can’t wait to start you’re life with them. The first step of starting this life is marriage (some people may cohabit but I don’t agree with that). As I grow up, I grow more and more excited to one day start a family. When man and woman unite through matrimony, the next special thing is bringing a new life into this world. Child bearing, though exhausting and painful, is something I most look forward to when I think of marriage! Genesis 2:18-24 reads, “The LORD God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him…..Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man” Man and woman were made to join in matrimony, just as Adam and Eve did. At the beginning of the semester, I would have answered this question in the exact same way and I think it’s in favor of personal autonomy. Though some say reasons for marriage are for tax purposes, to solely not be alone, (etc)…I think people seem to forget what marriage is suppose to be/mean. Love should be the purpose of the union. If love isn’t a mean reason why a couple gets married, than that seems like a relationship that is destined to fail. How can one be happy in a marriage if you dont even enjoy the company of your husband/wife?  Though many can answer these 2 questions differently, it seems as though (by learning in class) most woman would agree with my response to this. Sociologically, many people seem to get married for the sole reason of having a family. There has been a large increase in 1960-2008 of births to unmarried mothers. It is more socially acceptable to have a child in a married relationship than in a single/dating relationship. With that being said, most woman want to get married for the reason of love and family (myself being one of them!)

• Who (what kind of person) are you likely to marry?
  I am most likely to marry someone like my father. I know this may be a cliche response, but it’s 100% the truth. For this reason, I would say my response leans tomorrow the idea of the social structure I inhabit. However, in a way it is also in favor of agency because I will choose my own person to marry. Ideally, I would want to marry someone with the same beliefs, same moral values, close in age and similar educational status as myself.  I would love a man who is ambitious, smart, secure, confident, hard working, compassionate, etc. However, sometimes it isn’t good to be narrow minded and not be open to different things. In the end, I’d most likely be most “attracted” to someone with similar beliefs and moral values. I think if I went “outside of the box” and married someone completely opposite of me, I wouldn’t be able to relate enough with the person to marry them. Before taking the class, I would have probably answered the same. However, now, I am more insistent on marrying this type of person. Because I’ve learned that divorce rates are so high, I would want to make sure the man I marry is someone I can see myself spending the rest of my life with and being 100% compatible with! With that being said, sociologists find that partner selection is largely homogamous (pairing with ones own group). There are several reasons for this, woman seem to want to have the same security (financially, spiritually, emotionally) as they were raised with. Also, people seem to surround themselves and be involved in the same “friend group” as people that are most similar to them. Also, statistically, 94% of marriages are between people of the same race.  The “Matching Hypothesis” can also tie in here. This is the idea that partner selection is based on the matching of similar traits. Similarly, I would want someone with similar traits and of the same socioeconomic and religious status. The idea of “birds of a feather flock together” seem to be true sociologically and statistically in our society today.

• What kind of family structure do you expect to have?  How many children? How will your family compare with the family you have come out of?  
  I would LOVE to have a family that mirrors the family I grew up in. Both my mother and my father equally raised my two siblings and I. They both were very involved in our childhood and teenage years. Both of my parents had solid paying jobs and they were both successful in their careers. My mother did a wonderful job of being the “soccer mom” as well as the one who taught us how to read, cooked our meals, all the while having a prestigious job. My dad was always the coach of our little league teams, never missed a single sporting event, disciplined us when necessary, and was always quick to leave work when his family needed him. As children, my brothers and I fought a healthy amount but (for the most part) we always got along. I love my family so very much that I can’t imagine not having them in my life!
  I would love to have 4 kids…2 boys and 2 girls. I could never be a stay at home mom so I would most likely work and so would by husband. Again, if my family worked and was modeled after my own family, I would be one happy girl! I would love to be the soccer mom who also has a steady job and would want my husband to be very involved in my children’s lives despite work!
  I would most definitely answer this question before and after the semester. This response, in a way, favors both personal autonomy and the social structure. I was definitely influenced by my family but I a CHOOSING to attempt to model my family out of the family structure I have come out of.
  Unlike the earlier eras where men were the breadwinners and woman stayed home to tend to the home, I would want a family where my husband and I are both in the work force. Woman were forced to remain in abusive, unhappy relationships in order to feel financially secure. Being the type of person I am, I would have to have a life outside of my own (at work) in order to be fully content and happy in my marriage/family.

• How likely are you to divorce?
  Besides changes in divorce laws and women gaining economic independence, one main reason divorce rates are so high is a result of infidelity. Infidelity is a result of unhappiness in marriage, lack of communication with spouse, and/or sexual dissatisfaction. The lack of communication can be a result of the different styles of  speech for men and women. Men are more instrumental in their conversation, are less likely to offer empathetic remarks, and talk as a means to an end. Women, on the other hand, talk for greater understanding, reference emotions, and talk as an effort to establish quality. In my marriage, I want to be able to have such open communication that these differing styles of speech have no affect on my marital relationship. I dont want to say I don’t agree with divorce, but I definitely think it is something that can be avoided. There’s a time and a place for everything but I am a strong believer that conflicts can be resolved. No one said marriage is easy, there will be bumps along the way, but if you are married to the person you love you should be willing to fight til the end for your spouse. That being said, I would like to think that Iam highly UNLIKELY to get divorced. I’ve always believed this so my response wouldn’ have been different before the start of this class. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 reads, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”  This verse is, to say the least, so assuring and encouraging when it comes to love and marriage! For this reason,  love (in the context of the stability of your future romantic relationships/marriage) is extremely important. If you dont love your “partner” before you marry them, how much better will it get when you are actually married to them. Because people marry without truly and utterly loving their partners, there are so many divorced men and woman in today’s society. I know I am making it seem like alot of people don’t marry for love, but alot of people think  they are in love because they are rushing to the altar, haven’t met anyone better, are desparate, etc. Love is PATIENT!
• Assuming this a general goal of long-term relationships, how will you remain satisfied in your relationship/marriage across the marital life cycle?
  This is a pretty broad question so I will just talk about what I’ve learned this semester. At the beginning of the semester I would have replied with typical answers such as, “trust, open communication, compliance, selflessness, etc.” However, after learning about sex in a relationship, I’ve learned that I need to add “sexual satisfaction.” Statistically, men who have satisfying sex lives with their wives lead better, more promising marriages and lower divorce rates. Not only did I learn this in this sociology class, but also my human sexuality class this semester. This idea leans both towards social structure and autonomy. Men were created to desire sex more than woman, and men need that physical affection. Woman are more longing for emotional connections and romance. Romance and sexuality is something that, over the course of a marriage, tends to be forgotten and/or neglected. This is something I hope my husband and I (one day) don’t have a problem with! Also, I find that being satisfied in a marital life cycle involves the idea of complaince. In reference to the Social Exchange Theory, people want to maximize their rewards in an exchange and minimize the costs. As selfish as this sounds, this could be one of the main keys to making a relationship work. Another reason divorce rates are so high is because people are remaining in relationships as long as the benefits outweigh the costs. This is something I would nip in the bud if this was happening in my relationship. I wouldn’t want my marriage to be a one way street, marriage is something that has to be worked at. Happy marriages are a result of constantly “rekindling the flame” and its something that doesn’t magically appear. Rather, its something that must be worked towards, mainly through open communcation (which I’ve seemed to reiterate quite a few times so far

As I answered these questions, it was quite a struggle to decide whether my responses were based on structure OR agency. Being a very independent person when it comes to decision making, I keep rereading my responses and I seem to be wanting a family that parallels the family structure in which I was raised. I don’t think I am basing my answers on the family I come from. It just so happens that the way I was raised is a way that I think will prove to be successful in the family I produce. For example, let’s say my parents were divorced and therefore went a messy separation that involved fighting for custody. I definitely wouldnt be wanting to mirror my family out of the family I came from…therefore my response would be mostly “agency” (making my own decisions). All in all, it seems as though people are influenced by “structure” and “agency.” People, myself included, can’t help but listen to what society says and make decisions that are influenced by both themselves and society. I think that’s one of the beautiful things in life: having to make your own decisions in your life midst all the chaos in the world and what you find deep within yourself.

Ashley, if I haven’t said it enough already at the end of blogs or at the end of emails, I have thoroughly enjoyed this semester. I have learned more than I probably expected and learned so much I didn’t know! I enjoyed the assigned books and got so much out of this class. Not only did I get to hear in on good, heated debates but I also got a notebook full of notes I will be keeping for future reference! Successful semester!

marriage is one one of those big life accomplishments that most people want to get into. alot of the times, people dont fully understand what it takes to actually make a marriage work, from a sociological stand point of structure vs agency, its clear to see that more factors must be taken into consideration than just love.

for me, i initially wanted to get married because if you love some one, naturally the next step would be to get married. that was one of the main reasons as to why i wanted to marry, there also is the companionship that comes along with a life partner, children, and other various activities. but upon taking this class i realized that even though love is still the number one reason to get married, there are so many other reasons why sociologically people get married.

the question to the purpose of marriage could be described in many ways, from a biological stand point its to reproduce and have have little kiddies.  from a sociological perspective its for love and companionship. i do not want to be alone for the rest of my life, and so companionship is a big factor. i know from learning in this class that many people marry out of factors other than love, for financial reasons, wedlocks, and economic stability.

i never really took this and broke it down but now i realized that the person i want to marry would be from a similar background as me. i noticed that even for dating and what not, it would be like an asian girl, around my age, similar economic status, and so on. so my pretty sure that my future wife would be around the same education level, similar family structure background, possibly a similar economic standing , and social status and most likely an asian female. its true what they say, that you tend to be around people who are similar in all these aspects with you. its funny how sociology can dictate who you end up with.

where you come from and the things you learn from your own family i think is a good indicator of how you will raise your own family. but that is not always the case, for me, as an only child i didnt have any brothers or sister, so most people expect that i would have been raised spoiled, but that is definitely not true in case. my parents made sure that just because i was an only child i wouldnt grow up being spoiled but pretty much everything opposite of that. its thanks to them that i can say i turned out alright. for my own family structure i would want to have multiple kids, say 3 ish, and apply a similar method of raising children as my parents had done. sociologically, you tend you follow in the footsteps of your parents, whether it is positive or negative, a follow by example kind of thing.

the factors that determine divorce are many, people who rush into marriages at a young age tend to divorce earlier, whether or not you are financially stable, how happy you are emotionally, there are many reasons as to what may lead to a divorce. its a good idea to put all these factors into account when thinking about marriage so that the chances of getting a divorce is basically zero.

love is the overarching theme that holds relationships from the beginning, but as we learned from this class, it does die down and many other things come into play in a marriage. such as financial stability, children and emotional dependability. in this aspect i hope that agency wins over the sociological structure, the saying love conquers all, i hope it to be true. although love is a big factor, it isnt the only thing to keep a marriage stable.

to remain satisfied in a relationship or marriage i think that first off there needs to be love to have that deep emotional connection, to understand one another and expect to disagree on certain issues but to be able to be flexible. communication is also key to a healthy relationship, to express what you feel and what are you dissatisfied with. to remain true and committed to each other, then i think most hurdles can be overcome.

this class has taught me alot of what it takes to make a marriage work, what factors are involved to maintain that love and that it isnt all about love, that there are so many more factors that determines the outcome of the marriage. the structure of sociology in marriage is a big part but i hope that certain aspects of it can be overcome through agency and the intangible love.

I remember the first time someone told me I was beautiful. I mean, my mom probably told me all the time and when I was little I was always told that I was cute or whatever, I’m sure, but once I hit the awkward middle school years there was no arguing about the fact that I wasn’t pretty. I was smart and I had a great sense of humor, but I was lanky, had braces, glasses, frizzy hair… I never even really paid much attention to my own physical beauty because I knew I was never really going to excel there. When I was in the eighth grade, the intern working with our church youth group was leaving. When she hugged me goodbye, she held onto me for a little longer than I expected, looked me square in the face and said, “You’re beautiful. You know that, right?”

I don’t know if I should thank her or not, because with that little seed planted in my brain, that idea that maybe I was one of the “pretty” girls, beauty became a potential commodity. All of a sudden I was worried about how I looked and what people thought of my appearance. Was my hair too puffy? Could I start wearing contacts? How did I put on make-up? Where do I get clothes that look cool? I worried about how I stacked up next to the other girls in my grade. I knew I wasn’t one of the super-model, athletic, perfect girls but maybe I could at least be a little higher up on the prettiness totem pole… I could feel the way the poplar (more attractive) girls looked down on me and I wondered if the guys even really noticed. Boys in a certain range of attractiveness seemed to pay a lot of attention to me but of course the upper echelon of handsomeness still treated me like I was not only invisible but occasionally like I had something unpleasant growing on my face.

The idea that beauty is a resource is one that I am familiar with and that I despise. Honestly, I’m a hypocrite for saying that but it’s true all the same. I do my best not to judge people based on appearance and I do an okay job most of the time staying my judgment until the character of an individual is known but I have my moments, just like everyone. Our culture has been trained to think that women are better when their bodies are shaped a certain way or when their hair is a certain length or when their clothing fits a certain curve, and therefore when a women meets these standards she’s more likely to have power both with men and women alike. The reason why we wear make-up and focus so much on how we look is because our ingrained reflex is to soften towards individuals who look a certain way and be wary of those who don’t. For women, being beautiful is the same thing as being incredibly clever or funny is for men.