A Penny for my Thoughts

The “narrative.”  over the course of the semester so far we have spent a significant amount of time discussing emerging adulthood and the narrative.. the cycle, the process MOST emerging adults go through, reflecting the how, the what, and the why.   I think we decided as a class that the characteristics included graduating high school(with a car bought by the parents? just wondering.), going to college, getting a job, getting married, having kids, retiring, etc etc etc.  This narrative guides emerging adults, setting the pace for what we believe is socially right to do in our society today. it puts incredile pressure in 20-somethings today to follow through.  What if college isn’t for you?  well, it kind of has to be.  OUr society has been created to benefit those who follow the narrative, so if you dont follow it, you’re out of luck.  If you skip the college part, your out of a good paying job, if you skip the marriage part and just have kids, well, no one even wants to go there.  Regardless of gender, race, or religion, the narrative for emerging adults stays pretty standard.

One becomes an adult when they do things on their own; when they are financially independent, when they have their own house, their own bills, their own life outside of their parents.. everything is on their own if they can be classified as an ‘adult.’  As we (emerging adults) began the emerging process, many things in life begin to change.  One majorchange is the relationship with our parents.  Though Ilived in foster care and can’t relate on this level, it is statistically positive that relationships wiht parents get better after the ‘child’ goes to college. This could be due to ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder,’ could be due to maturity, could be due to a rise in respect, or many other factors.  I would say I have a better relationship with my sisters because I don’t see them as much, so when I do, i want to have a good time and get along.

Another aspect that makes one an adult is marriage.  If you are married, you MUST be an adult right?!  We had a couple people in class married or engaged/’promised’ and it seemed very interesting to me to hear their stories.  They all had generally the stereotypical engagements where there is a ring involved, the father gives permission, etc.  Does marriage really make you an adult?  I don’t think it does, only due to the fact that I know some very immature, prematurely married couples.

It was cool to see the aspect religion had on emerging adults, families, marriages, and child rearing.  In reading everyone’s posts, you could tell very clearly who the ‘super chirstian’ people were and who weren’t, based on their thoughts and opinions regarding growing up.  The interviews we did were very helpful in seeing the influence of religion as well. I didn’t realize how much ones religion could affect their household, how women were viewed in one, and how work was dealt out according to gender due to regligious practice.

College!  So, this is where I am now in the emerging adulthood narrative.  I am living life to the fullest (in college?!) and enjoying my time studying.  College is kind of like step one to becoming an adult.  Its the first time you get to be realy independent if you grew up in the normal type of family.  it’s where you may or may not get cut off from the family funds, and have to start working to maintain a budget.  College means responsibility, independence, and maturity.  If you don’t have any other those three things, they will be learned quickly, and probably the hard way.  College is also the key to freedom, for me at least.  College means moving forward despite my past, getting an education even though the bets were against me, and getting a good real job, the first in my family.  To me, college is the most important part of the narrative to follow, because it gives you a start to all the rest, a way to follow through with the rest of the narrative (ring by spring?), and most of all, it feelsto me like the start of the rest of my life.

The feminine Mystique… the problem with no name…

I’ve seen moms in grocery stores looking WIPED OUT from their snotty, screaming, crying little children.  I’ve seen grandmothers looking like death from the caretaking of their grandchildren.  ANd I’ve been ‘that’ babysitter, the one who ends up crying in frsutration from the seven children under the age of 6 that I can’t seem to keep under control.  Three different situations, all with a common denominator… the feminine mystique.

After reading the chapter and watching the episode in class, I realized i HAVE seen women dealing with this ‘problem with no name,’ and they are outlined in the scenarios above.  Who would have thought it’s a big a deal as it is?   The feminine mystique is a real problem for women who work ‘the second shift,’ or even just one… being a mom, whether full time, or full time in addition to another job, is hard work, and depression or anxiety (or other issues) can easily become big problems.

In the episode we watched in class, the femine mystique was shown through a wife with major anxiety issues.  They got so bad that she couldn’t even drive because of her shakey hands.  WHenever she was working at home or with the kids, or simply driving the kids home from school, one could possibly see her hands shaking to the point of being uncontrolled.  WHen the wife brought up possible solutions/doctors (specifically a mental health professional), she had to ask her husband for permission.  She didnt have the ability to tell her husband she was going to a psychiatrist, it was alomst as if the husband was the ‘dad’ to her; he had to tell her if it was okay or not.

The broader cultural significance:  Like Betty Friedan wrote, “there are new dimensions to old problems that have been taken for granted…”  In AMerica, new issues have arisen from old issues that have been there all along.  People are more willing to talk about problems, rather than in the past when women were seen and not heard, when they had to be the perfect little housewives… now women can more easily admit when they are struggling (maybe due to socially less of a stigma about having emotional problems?)  Regardless of how its happening or the cause of it, many American women are dealing with this ‘feminine mystique.’  Women from wealthy households, women from poor households, educated women, uneducated women, sick women, healthy women… No matter what background women come from, they all seem to experience this problem with no name.

I do think the feminine mystique still affects women today.  Though we may be even better at hiding it; I think that one of the major issues leading to this problem is the out of control feelings – women simply feel out of control.  Today, women ‘self-medicate’ these issues and feelings through eating disorders, drug addictions, binge drinking, etc.  We have more(easier) ways to get a false control than we did in the past, so women may look on the outside like they arent dealing with any problems, but inwardly they are.  I believe it still affects women today because i’ve seen it in action; simply babysitting a large number of kids makes me go crazy, I can’t imagine living that chaos all day long – it’d make anyone fall off the rocker.

Yesterday on my way to the gym I saw a happy woman and (what I’m assuming to be) her 2 kids in a double stroller.  They were laughing, talking, and enjoying the not-yet-too-cold weather outside.  I had to do a double take – was this real life?  I generally only see things like this in movies… do families really take their kids on walks, take a break from the busy schedules, and simply enjoy time to BREATHE outside?  I guess so.  The assumed mom was talking with the little girls and they were laughing.  I stopped walking and watched them for a couple minutes, thinking what a great mom those two kids have.  Its funny how we let our busy, chaotic lives to get in the way of simply enjoying life.  I thought of my life growing up, and I no for a fact that none of my parents/foster parents/grandparents ever took time to walk with me or take even a couple minutes out of their schedules to talk about the day.. and now im wondering, is this the kind of thing that only happens in movies, or can it be real life too?

I think in our society today, we’ve let other things come before family.  When I think of families in the past, even if they weren’t super close, they spent a lot of time together, right?  Without transportation and stuff, they stayed close together (im thinking amish here), worked on their own farms, cooked dinner from their own home grown ingredients… I think they had more “fresh air family time”.  In today’s society, we’re all about getting from one place to another as fast as we can (this is being written by a northeasterner remember, so i can’t speak for the ‘every day’s a sunday afternoon’ attitude i’ve found people in the south to  have).  I haven’t heard of a more self centered society than the one we live in right now.  I dont know if parents think of their kids above themselves, or the need for a break; a rest in the day to go out and relax and have an unstress filled time with the family. 

Basically, it caught me off guard to see a mom with her too kids yesterday enjoying the ‘great outdoors,’ and…well, the fact it surprised me is a good indicator of a problem.  When i ‘grow up,’ whenever that is, even if i dont THINK i have time for that, i want to MAKE time… I tihnk its important for everyone to take a minute to be a real family, not just blood related, but action-related too.

A few major problems stuck out to me after reading “”The Problem that Has No Name” by Betty Friedan.  The main problem being the fact that women have no identity today; their identity comes from what they do (cook, clean, read to chilrdren), who they are (Mom, Wife, Sister, Friend), and where they come from (educated, un educated, city, slum).  One of the comments Betty Friedan made was that “a good education, it seems, has given this paragon among women understanding of the value of everything excetp her own worth.”

How true is that!  How often do yous ee women today unsure of their worth?  Constantly dieting, exercising, changing this that and the other, marrying the ‘perfect’ guy… all to be sure that they are worth something, to be sure they are something special?

Another comment Friedan made regarding ‘the problem’ was that “the problem is always being the childrens mommy, or the minister’s wife and never being myself.”  This is defiantely a problem.. Women’s identities are soley focused around others… don’t you hate when you are described as “oh and this is Jessica, Mike’s sister.”  I hated hearing that grownig up.  It always made me feel like thats all I was, thats where my identity came from – by being MIke’s sister.  WHy couldn’t anyone just introduce me as Jessica?  I think this is how many women with children feel.. they are always referred to as someones mom or wife or whoever… never getting to be simply themselves.

When we were watching that ‘so 90s’ movie (video? ha) in class, i was completely astounded by the fact that some, if not all, of the families in it talked about paying or rewarding their kids for doing their chorse.  Whether it was some type of points system or treat they got in return for doing chorse around the house, the kids were somehow rewarded for their ‘hard work.’

i wanna know, when did this start? do all kids get paid for doing chorse?  I know i grew up differently from a lot of baylor students, but come on!  I will never pay off my kids to do something they should already be doing.  I have a big issue with rewarding kids for doing what they should naturally do… award them if they go above and beyond, but not for doing what their supposed to.

When I moved to the girls home i lived in, a new staff member brought out ideas for how to motivate us to do our chorse.   one thing she said was ‘lets give them a pizza party if they get all their work done!’  – to which our resident director replied ‘its work they are REQUIRED to do… its not optional.  they don’t get rewarded for doing what we expect them to do, for doing the right thing and obeying what we ask.  We reward them if they not only obey what we say, but then go the extra mile and do even chores we don’t ask them to do.’

that, is good parenting if you ask me.  I don’t know, i think families need to work together right?  it should be something you do BECAUSE you are a family, not something done because you get a reward from it.

So the couple I chose to interveiw was a couple that has impacted my life in a big way – so really I actually wanted to hear their answers, so I could learn from them.. they have a marriage like one I would like one day.

Tracy and Nick run a christian camp for at-risk and abused kids in Colorado.  They spend everyday working hard, loving the ‘hard to love’ kids, and pointing them to Jesus.  They have been married for 27 years and have 4 girls, ages ranging from 17 to 23!  They also are foster parents to a different number of children/teens throughout the years.  Though they both run and own the camp, Tracy has another job working as a teacher for students with dyslexia. 

Nick was raised in a baptist home and Tracy was raised in a home with no religious influence.  Both claim to be non denominational christians now.  They say they wouldnt call themselves religious, because of the stereotype that comes with ‘religion.’  In fact, they said they dont really even like to call themselves christians, because of so many christians they know and dont want to be like (i agree).  They said rather than being super christian or religious, they like to simply follow Jesus.  They say they are ‘Christ followers,’ and you can take it or leave it.  They said they usually attend church once a week on sunday, but not always.. sometimes camp runs through sundays, sometimes they go backpacking in the mountains.. basically they think church isnt a building, but the people, and they cfan have church anywhere.. so they do.  Also, because of the nature of their job, they have services for the inner city at risk kids and teens every day, where they read teh Word and worhsip.   its like church everyday.  Regarding spending time with God, Tracy said they each have personal time every day, but she said for her specifically, sometimes she needs a break every hour to spend time with Jesus “lets be honest, life is hard.  i need a break to be in peace more often than not.’

They believe there are definately inherent differences between men and women “you only have to live with the opposite sex for about 2 minutes to figure that out.”  They said God made men and women differently, and thats ok.  We all come from different perspectives.  Nick holds the belief that women want to be loved, men want to be respected, both need to be honored.  He said it all comes down to our different wants and needs, and how we act and make choices to get them.  I’m just gonna quote Nick on what he said about submission, because I think it sums up their basic beliefs. “I believe in submission, that my wife should submit to me – my wife also believes that.  But its within reason that our ultimate authority is God Himself.  If I were to ask my wife to submit to something not honoring to God, she has full rights to disagree – God is far far above me.  As for submission, it think you are kind of asking if I am the head of the household? In which case I am… as a male, I am head of the household, but I make discisions with myTracy– we work together.

Nick and Tracy share all the chores.  Neither one does a specific job.  They both cook together, they generally work the same job, which is running the camp, and as this camp is based all on donations, they do all the physical manuel labor since they cant afford to hire people to do it for them (and as Nick would say “God gave us good hands and feet, I dont see why we can’t do the hard and easy parts of this job.. it builds character”)

Tracy said she loves to garden, therefore she does most of the gardening, and Nick does the irrigation around the ranch because he is more knowledgable about it.. but if one is gone, they easily step in and do the chores.  They both work with the horses, clean the chicken coop – Tracy said they have a list of chorse to do every day, and everyone gathers together, picks something off the list, and gets to work.. until the list is complete.  It has nothing to do with religion or gender, its simply about getting the work done.  I know for a fact they don’t have anything specifically thought of as a ‘mans job,’ because when I lived with them i was for sure put to work with some hard labor I had assumed wasn’t for girls!

They said instead of focusing on what a man or women should do in the household, they believe that ‘everything we do is unto the Lord.’  Basically, it doesnt matter who you are, but do your work, do it right the first time, and do it as if you were doing it for the Lord.  Honoring god in everything they do is the most important.  When I lived there, there were about 15 of us, and sometimes boys did the dusting and vacuuming while I was outside cleaning the chicken coop or cutting the lawn… we picked what we wanted to do, and it didn’t matter what we did as long as we working, doing everything as for the Lrod.

Ancient Jewish Marriages:

Marriages usually happened when brides were young, and generally to someone inside the clan or family.

 The marriage had two different ceremonies – first the betrothal, and then the wedding.  At the betrothal the woman was officially and legally married, but she did not live with her husband, she still lived at her father’s house.  The wedding proved a legal tie between husband and wife; it was the moment when the betrothed woman left her father’s house and went to live with her husband

The betrothal was the price paid and the detailed agreement between the families of the man and woman, and the wedding was when the groom got possession of the bride.  The betrothal, rather than the wedding, was more important back in those days because the marriage was based on a purchase.  The wedding didn’t become the more important part until women gained more significance.

It is assumed that a written document was created when contracting a marriage… this is based off a verse in Deuteronomy which states that a written document was to be created if a divorce was to happen – it is assumed that if a written contract was needed to end a marriage, it must be needed to begin one as well.

Based on the jewish traditions and actions regarding marriage, I think they definately view marriage as a purchase – not a love, companionship idea, but simply an economis exchange.  Wives are things to be bought, not humans to choose.  It seems like marriage in the ancient jewish traditions could be paralled to farmers buying a cow.

http://www.myjewishlearning.com/life/Relationships/Spouses_and_Partners/About_Marriage/Ancient_Jewish_Marriage.shtml

ANCIENT ROMAN MARRIAGES

Rather than being a state affair, marriage was private, between two people.  But regardless, there were legal requirements to marry. People getting married had to have the right to marry.

Generally, all Roman citizens and some non-citizen Latins had the right to marry. However, consent from both sides was required, and the bride and groom much have reached puberty.  (eunuchs who would never reach puberty werent allowed to marry ever.)  They believed in monogamy, so naturally you lost the right to marry after you were already married.

Engagements werent required, but if an engagement was made and then one person backed out of it, the “breach of contract” would have finanicial consequences.  A dowry was paid after the marriage.  Sometimes the groom would give the bride an iron ring or some money.

The romans seemed to have a little more decency in valuing women as humans rather than products to be bought – im not sure if this is where the ring idea started?  regardless, the romans seem to have a little more personal touch to the idea of marriage than the jewish cultures idd.

http://ancienthistory.about.com/od/marriage/a/RomanMarriage.htm

Ancient Somali Marriages

Not just a bond between a groom and bride, marriage in Somali have tradictionally been a bond btween clans and families as well.  Most Somali marries were arranged, typically with an older man (with some wealth) and the father of the girl he wanted to marry.  The man would pay a “bride price”, generally livestock or money, to the family of the bride.  They usually marry outside of their family – if they were to marry within the family, it was traditionally seperated by six or more generations.  A somali bride often lives with the grooms family after marriage, but she keeps her family name.

Weddings were exciting, happy celebrations – but during the time, the bride and groom often sign an agreement that gives the bride a certain amount of money/property in case of a divorce.  Tradition says the wife must give up her rights to the money/property if SHE is the one to initiate the divorce.  A divorce happens simply when the man repeats 3 times to his wife, “I divorce you”

The men are allowed to have 4 wives at the most, as long as he can provide for them and their children equally. 

People in the Somali culture seem to be prepared for dicorve.. I think they calue marriage, but again, the women are condisered property rather than humans… It doesnt seem like anyone in the ‘olden days’ ever married for love  or intimacy… its like it was all just ‘what they did,’ – a way to make money/exchanges.  A couple didn’t fall in love with eachother, they just were together.  Im not sure i completely understand the reason behind these marriages or what it explains about the culture, but it doesnt seem like it has any romanticism in it whatsoever.  Marriage was business, not personal.

http://www.everyculture.com/Sa-Th/Somalia.html

so…about the ring – yes or no?  one line in the article really got my attention: “..In fact, many ads, including a recent series by Tiffany, imply that giving a ring results in a woman’s sexual debt”

that was a big turn off to me – i mean, is what the article says really true?  Does a ring basically buy (or in a more society friendly term, ‘secure’) the woman’s virginity?  And if it does, is that what marriage is about?  making sure no one else gets your spouse?  I have a really difficult time with this ‘ownership’ idea.  In class we talked about asking the father for permission to marry – when i heard that, my head screams WHY??!?!?!  Why should a man have to ask the woman’s FATHER, of all people?  As if he has some type of ownership over her, as if he makes the ultimate decision about who his daughter can or cant marry.  I don’t know, maybe i’m over reacting, but last time I checked we lived in a free country. 

So, as I question this whole ownership ring idea, I get even more confused.  I know plenty of people (my parents, just to name a few – probably the reason i don’t get marriage ha) who have ‘open marriages’ as they would say, kind of like ‘we’re married, but we can still sleep around when we feel the need.’ 

So whats the point of being married?  What’s the point of ‘putting a ring on it’?  Maybe marriage has different meanings to different people.  As I’m trying to learn about marriage from a biblical perspective, I still don’t understand – it’s like everyone tells you HOW to be pure and have a ‘pure and holy marriage,’  but no one ever explains WHY we should do it. 

It’s funny because, before taking this class, I never thought this much about marriage and the traditions and the reasons and all that.  Growing up in a family where marriage isn’t necessary for a family, I guess I hadn’t realized how big a deal marriage is to people.  -After hearing about Jesus and deciding to follow Him 3 years ago, I was told marriage was like the pre-requisite for sex; if you want to have a family and be intimate with someone, you have to marry first.  In the past 3 years, I’ve questioned ‘why?  whats the point of marriage?’  And after reading these articles, i’m still very confused.

First of all, regarding the article about women not taking their husband’s last name.. well, I want to know, why not?  Are we really trying to go around having the ‘public name, the church name, the work name, the my-husband-is-running-for-president-and-i-dont-want-to-be-viewed-badly-by-the-opposite-party name’??   It’s like women can’t decide who they want to be, so they call themselves different names depending on who they’re around.  I think if they are embarressed or too self sufficient to take their husbands name, theres probably something wrong in the marriage.  If you’re gonna get married, you should be ok with people knowing who your husband is, right?  if not, i’d say don’t put the ring on.