We talked in class the other day about the positive and negative aspects on children when parents get divorced.

One of the positive aspects were eliminating tension in the home by separating the parents if they didn’t get along. Another was providing honest role models for the children, so that the parents don’t have to pretend to get along when they don’t. Finally, it would show children that in reality, not every thing ends in a happily ever after.

However, one of the negative effects is that the child might not understand why his or her parents are separating, and may take on feelings of guilt. It would also destroy the image of marital commitment that society tries to promote.

Overall, I think most decisions have to be weighed situationally. However, because of my experience with divorce (because of the way I have seen it affect my society) I would have to ensure, going into marriage, that divorce is not an option for me or my spouse. Because I want to restore the marital commitment that I have seen fall apart in my society.

I meant to post about the co-sleeping article we read a while back because I thought it was an interesting example of the importance for parents to be educated on options.

Co-sleeping is an option for practicing touch with infants, however it has positive aspects and very negative ones. It’s important, as parent, to be aware of the benefits as well as the possible dangers and how to avoid them, before practicing the option.

According to this article co-sleeping can happen in different ways. It dosn’t have to be in the same bed, it can just be in the same room. However if it is in the same bed, it can be safe if 2 forms of sensory monitoring are practiced. It can do great things for attachment between mother and child as well as even lower the risk of Infant Sudden Death!

However, tragedy can also occur if a child is breast feeding and drowns, is rolled on top of, or suffocates in some other way.

There are pros and cons, but I think the most important information is safety and precautionary efforts. I think that it is a practice that is worth researching and looking into, but that a person should not try this option without thorough research.

I have always known about structure vs. agency; I’ve been aware that there were societal beliefs and practices impacting my life decisions; but, I had no idea what those structures were and to what effect they were influencing my life. I’ve recognized societal structure through the cultural expectations on my life, but I never realized that I was making decisions for reasons I didn’t understand, simply because society promoted them. I applauded myself for wanting to be different, for recognizing that I did have other options, but I never looked into the other options. I didn’t know or really want to know the other options, because I liked society’s decisions. However, thanks to this class, I can now recognize the choices society has made and the way those choices influence my choices. So, because I have not had much time in which to really consider the other options yet, most of my decisions are reflective of the society I grew up in.

I keep telling myself that I want to get married. It’s a struggle that my mind pushes around daily. My prayer is that I will joyfully walk through life with or without a husband (because I KNOW that God knows what is best for my life, and will provide that path for me) to accomplish my purposes in life. Yet, my heart really does long for a husband. I think that it is partly because of the way I have seen my parents’ marriage work, a partnership. I have seen biblically what it should look like, a man and a woman supporting each other in different ways (as each side is specifically gifted in a particular way of loving and serving). Partly because I have watched oodles of Romance movies, and having never yet been in a romantic relationship, just wonder what love feels like. Partly, of course, because the ideal family (which is another one of my desires that I am trying to surrender) that I have seen reflected in the lives of those around me has a man for stability and leadership.

However, since I have not really experienced romantic love, I would not say that “All You Need is Love.” I don’t want to marry into lust with physical attraction and arousal being my motivation, I have seen how that ends negatively in society (and I just don’t want it!). I think that money helps situations, would provide for a family, and ultimately provide support. Which leads me to my ultimate reasoning, support. When I think of marriage, I think of a partnership. While I have heard this term used in many different types of marriage (egalitarian and different gender roles), I think that it is a theme that I value most. I want stability for my life, and I want to be a part of providing stability for others. In that, I think one of the most beautiful things about the marriage cycle is that it survives through the dips of struggle. It’s more important, and therefor stronger, than dints that come along in life. Because my parents were divorced, and it is against my religious beliefs, divorce is not an option for me.

I have now learned, as well, about other options like polyamory or polygamy and it’s nice to ponder the thought processes of others who have made these decisions, but I don’t think (even though I agree with society on this one) that this life style is for me.

My dream family? I didn’t realize there were secret stipulations ingrained into my culture about attraction. I knew that most people didn’t marry someone of another race, I knew that most people stayed in their societal background, but I didn’t know that these secret stipulations were true in my own depths! I had always rejected these! It makes sense how they would though. Both of these subsets, often times, come from a different culture. They come, therefore, with different societal expectations and are looking, resultantly, for different things. They value different things. I think this, more than any other reason, is why I would have a difficult time crossing this boundary. If I met someone who had grown up without the assurance of dinner every night, or someone who had a different skin color than me, I wouldn’t be deterred by these differences alone, but rather by the implied differences in value and way of life. I think probability of opportunity is important here too, because we have different societal histories, we probably run in different circles (that are more attuned to our cultural values) and would therefor be unlikely to meet.

My family ideal reflects that of my upbringing. I had multiple brothers and sisters, and I value the community and unity that was demonstrated so well in my family. I want a lot of children, because it’s fun to see the way they influence and learn from each other while growing together. I was interested, also, in the options presented on child birth. This is another topic I have found interesting, but never known where to research/ haven’t really had a desire yet because that’s not where I am in my narrative. I think child development is also really interesting. So, because I am a nerd, I think I will use the chance I get when having children to become an expert on options and methods for child bearing and rearing. I’m thankful for this class for exposing a few of the options and secret lies in the system though, so that I have a base for starting.

I am most thankful to this class for making me examine myself and think about these things. I am thankful for the options that have been presented, and the critical self analysis that has been required. I think that in learning more about society, I have learned more about myself.

The other day I was preparing for a research paper concerning dreams. One of my sources was Maria Louw’s article “Dreaming Up Futures. Dream Omens And Magic In Bishkek.” She discusses the influence of Kyrgyzstan’s culture on their interpretation and application of dreams.

The example of a dream and its application she gave was about a young girl who was kidnapped for marriage, and dreamed of an omen against the match. I’ll rewind… she was kidnapped for marriage. This is a custom that we talked about during barbaric times- a man would kidnap a beautiful girl from another tribe (with the help of his wing man) and upon crossing the threshold with her, flailing in opposition, in his arms she became his. In modern Kyrgyzstan, something to this effect still happens!

A man and his friends threw this young girl into their car in the middle of a city street and drover her to his families house. Upon arriving, she was greeted by his entire family, and locked in a room until she agreed to the marriage. They spent hours reminding her of the shame she would face for denying this marriage after her character credibility was lost through the kidnapping. Her parents and family came (the new fiance’s family hoping to impress them and receive their approval) and deliberated the situation. If they took her away, she would likely never be married and her family would be shamed because of her tarnished reputation. However, the families were not exactly economically matched… so they decided to take their chances, and they took her back into the city (away from the kidnappers’ family).

I thought it was absolutely crazy that this was a tradition still practiced, and accepted socially though discouraged politically, in the modern world! It was shocking to me to realize that the rights of women are, in some countries, still equivalent to those of barbaric tribal times.

We talked last week about the Pecking order, and the personalities that often occur in correlation to birth order. The youngest child is often rebellious, less responsible, and selfish.

I would say that the youngest boy in our family is kind of reckless, and my sister and I (when betting on futures) always foresaw him enjoying the bachelor, worry-free, years of his life a little longer than any of us. However, my little brother got into a lasting serious relationship before any of the rest of us, and it’s moving!

My sister and I were shocked, that he was able to find a girlfriend (as sisters usually are), that he and this girl seem to be perfect for each other and have been pushing through a distance-influenced serious relationship for over a year now! They are looking at colleges and planning their future.

On my last trip home, my sister and I were shocked to find ourselves deciding that though we always envisioned our youngest brother to be the last who would settle down, it looks as though he’ll be the first! He would be the leader in marriage, and be the first to step into a role of serious maturity and responsibility!

It completely demolished my pre-conceived notion of him influenced by the pecking order.

I thought it was really interesting to have the Mothers panel in class last week. It was interesting to talk about some of the subjects that, aside from this opportunity, I may have never learned about. I think the biggest take away that I had from our time together is to research options.

I think sometimes it’s really easy for us to just complacently do whatever the Doctors say, because they went to med-school, they’ve seen my file, surely they know what’s best. However, just by reading a file (and not getting much sleep the night before, and hoping to get home early that night, and seeing me as just one more patient in their list of appointments that night) it is easy to miss things, and to want to do what is fastest and simplest (even if it is not the ultimate best choice).

I think it is interesting that there are so many options when it comes to giving birth (location, position, dulas, procedures, medications, and so on) I wouldn’t have even realized there were so many areas that have options (let alone the options!). I am excited

to research the options when my time comes, I think that there are a lot of reliable testimonies out there to learn from, and it was neat hearing a couple this week.

It was hard hearing about some of the corruptions in the health care system, and as a Social Work major, hearing about the influence insurance has on a family’s decision is challenging. I think it is important that every woman is given the healthiest options (even if they take longer) for their children. Every life is important, so I don’t think it’s ok to force people risk procedures with risky side effects because otherwise it won’t be covered by insurance.

I have grown up in a complicated family structure. I was born into a household as the only child, and was then followed two years later by my little brother. 8 years later my mother remarried and we added 5 more children to the bunch. 3 older children lived up north, and 2 were learning to support themselves while the third still lived with his mother. The 2 younger, one being 2 years older than I and the other being my brother’s age, moved in with my younger brother and I. 2 years after this marriage, my father remarried a woman who had 3 older children who all had moved out and were supporting themselves.

I was originally the only child in my family, and as a result received the undistracted love, support, financial devotion, and attention for the first two years of my life. When my younger brother came along those resources were divided in half. When my mom remarried, my stepdad, my mom, and my father’s child support combined to provide for my younger brother and I (with percentages of my mother’s income and my stepdad’s income going towards my new step siblings). My mother’s time, that had been solely devoted to my brother and I, was then divided and shifted toward blending our family with the Larsens. My mom and stepdad had to devote much of their time to blending our family collectively and establishing their marriage rather than to each of us children individually. I think that the focus on our family, collectively rather than individually, strengthened the unity in our family more than anything else could have. However, it also occurred at a time when we were all starting to define our identities. So, we all learned a lot about independence in spite of the familial importance placed on group.

Spacing of children didn’t play a huge role in my family until my parents were re-married. Although I was born 2 years before my younger brother and received undivided attention during that time, I remember most of my life being divided between the 2 of us (fairly). When my parents were remarried, both married older people who resultantly had older children. I’m not sure how this played out with my father and step mother (I think she supported them and he supported my brother and I individually), I saw more of an impact in my home family. My step dad was still somewhat supporting his 3 older children (one through child support and the others through relationships- when they needed something extra he would provide). However, since his older children were almost self-sufficient, most of my stepdad’s funds went towards our family (equally divided amongst my step siblings, my younger brother, and I) as well as my mother’s (who did not have the responsibility of providing for older children). Because of the significant age difference, it was almost like my step dad was not supporting his eldest children, rather all of his resources seemed to be devoted to us.

I have never really noticed gender differences in my house… aside from those between my older brother and myself. He was able to do more things than I could (even at his age) because he was a boy, and I was a girl so I needed to be more careful (safety wise, going certain places). However, through my disgruntlement and that of my younger sister, my parents are reasonable and they have loosened up on the difference of privilege. However I do think my parents have slightly expected my sister and I to be a little smarter/more studious than my brothers at the same ages because we are girls, and they have encouraged my brothers more in their sports… (that’s not really true though, they would have encouraged my sister and I had we any interest…).

I think that my parents expected more leadership and responsibility out of my older brother and I because we were the oldest, and example providers at some point. However, they have had nearly the same expectations of our younger siblings, overall I think my parents have been very fair in their expectations for all of us; the biggest differences are from personality strengths and differences. Personality wise, however, we have reflected what is expected of each child. My older brother (who lives with the nuclear 6 of us) is responsible, a leader and a role-model, I have changed depending on whether I was the oldest or the middle, but when I was the oldest I was more confident in my role as the leader and role-model (I didn’t know what I was as a middle child), and the youngest boy is a little reckless and irresponsible. They have encouraged each of us in our own pursuits and expected enough out of each of us to challenge us individually, even if that level of challenge was different for each person. However, I have noticed that my parents have become less and less strict with more and more children getting older and leaving home. Rules have relaxed, and they interact with us as friends now much more than advisors. I think this is a great way of interacting to ensure we come home to visit after moving away :).

I suppose if I looked, I could find differences in standards that my parents have set, and maybe those are according to birth order (and the perceived ensuing personalities), but I think my parents have done a really fair job of treating us equally; despite having much one on one time together. We may have not had much (if any) individual attention, but it resulted in an independence and a blended familial unity that I wouldn’t trade for anything.

Archetypes. They are what make us comfortable watching movies, we know the plot, it’s always the same format with different characters and settings. A narrative is much the same in that it provides emerging adults with a common plot to plan their lives with. While society, family, location, time, and many other things can affect the details of our narratives (like where we go to school, what we want our job to be, and who our spouses will be) the main ideas and even the order can almost always be predicted because of the provided archetype with which we plan our lives.

A common narrative would be something like: Be born, grow and learn about family in the home of your parents/guardians, adjust to society through secondary schooling, go to college to study and learn about independence, begin the search for your soul mate, maybe more school if your not quite ready for the real world or need a higher degree to financially succeed, establish a career, get married, have a family, raise your family (and struggle through your marriage), send children to college, re-establish your marriage in an empty nest, reflect on your life, pass peacefully.

Emerging adulthood is a time of lesser responsibility that allows people from ages 18 until 25ish to establish their values and apply them to this standard narrative so that they can fashion their own. Along with beginning to plan for their life narrative, emerging adulthoods explore their beliefs and the society around them. They start looking for what they believe and distinguishing it from their parent’s instilled beliefs (religion, sex, familial relations, value of education, importance of high paying jobs, etc…). Emerging adulthood is the time of exploration leading a teenager (under the influence and control of their parents) into their own adulthood, in confidence of their beliefs and values.

During emerging adulthood, there are many areas of life that emerging adults are re-defining such as:

Relationship with parents: People in the emerging adulthood stage of life are exploring their own values in contrast to what their parents believed, and can either then become closer in agreeing with the values previously practiced, or tension can arise when new values are established. Often times, people in the emerging adulthood stage of life are trying to work towards financial independence from their parents, but are still relying on them during this transitional phase of life. We talked about the difference in communication between mothers and fathers, while talking with fathers we primarily talk about practicals and things that need to be discussed (with maybe a little small talk) but with mothers we can and will talk about anything and everything. A lot of the time, we move from an authority figure and obeyer to friendship (this is something I’m excited to see transitioning in my relationship with my mom).

Marriage: Emerging adulthood is a time when we are able to decide for ourselves what marriage represents and if and when we want it. It is a time when we may see many of our friends and role models getting married, and maybe even begin looking for that special someone. It is a time that we can learn about marriage through the relationships of our parents (who are now our friends rather than our authorities) through classes at school, through our experiences and those of our friends, and through other various influences. I am still defining for myself what a marriage should look like, and even what getting there should look like. Emerging adulthood is a great time to research things and make your own decisions.

College: As I touched on in the previous statement, college is the perfect atmosphere for an emerging adult because it is an environment of learning and independence! The combination of the two allow opportunity to define things for oneself and to apply one’s newly developed set of morals into their own life. It is a place where people can learn from wise professors and friends about past experiences and can even take classes about marriage and family! College, like emerging adulthood, is kind of like a holding tank in that it allows freedoms and independence to explore and learn and develop while it still protects us and provides, often times, financially for us. I have LOVED college because it has allowed me to explore the values of academics, philosophers, wise professors, and new friends from different backgrounds and to then pick and apply values to my own life.

Religion: I was shocked to learn that this was the most spiritually inactive time in people’s lives. I suppose that it is because it is such an important aspect of my life that I have spent much time in this transitional stage exploring my religion and defining and upholding and pursuing my relationship with Jesus by myself, with no accountability, because it is important to me. However, I suppose that to many people religion can be simplified as a single value imposed by their parents that they do not value, and so they do not spend time exploring it, rather they put it on the back burner until a later time in life. However, spirituality is becoming more and more popular in our generation, so some people are spending time discerning their spirituality, and many academically inclined students look to apply the moral laws of philosophy to their lives during this time as well.

Through learning about Emerging Adulthood, I have become more and more convinced that this is the stage of life I am in. It provides me with direction concerning what I need to think about as well as comforts me that my peers are wrestling with the same questions. I think it is an exciting place in life to be in, as well as one that can be completely life altering depending on what decisions and values are created.

I am excited to continue “planning” my narrative by making important decisions, but I am so much more thankful that I have a perfect Narrator who is (Praise Him!) gloriously better than I am at planning my life.

The Feminine Mystique, according to Betty Friedan, is the seemingly unquenchable desire of women for something more. They can’t define what more it is that they want, but there is a void in their life that they do not know how to fill, especially since they don’t know what the void is. Most women walk around thinking they are the only ones, and cry alone in their pristine homes, some go to male therapists who are no closer to identifying the void. The void however, is a longing to be known as an individual. To, in some/many cases, pursue a career in which they can flourish and make a name for themselves. To do something besides laundry and cooking and chauffeuring that is special and says “THIS is who I am”. They are working as hard as they can to find happiness in the media mold of the perfect housewife (having all of the right appliances, ensuring a pristine household, maintaining their families) when on the inside they are longing for someone to realize that this mold is not really who they are. They are looking for identity.

In the episode of Madman, They start enjoying dinner together and conversing about “big busted” women, nannies who take care of children, and the stigma of mental health. Then the women go to the restroom where the older woman tells Betty that with her lips, she shouldn’t have a hard time keeping her husband which according to the Feminine Mystique is one of the many tasks of being a woman. That night, Betty lies down next to her husband, hoping to be noticed, but he falls asleep. In her husband’s office, the secretaries are nearly more focused on the men they work for than their office work (as secretaries,because only men work in the real offices) their purpose in working in the office is to catch a man. Though the men are more than willing, insultingly so (without reprimand for physical harassment), to sleep with them, they are choosy in who their husbands will be even though their willing to accept free food from any man. When Betty has a friend over, later, they have nothing to discuss over coffee except for the PTA, gossip about neighbors, and their children. Like most of the housewives mentioned in the Feminine Mystique, it seems that Betty suffers from some sort of psychiatric illness affecting her hands. With the stigma of mental illness, however, she is unable to seek help; especially since her husband is reassured by his co-workers that she is just missing some sort of appliance in her kitchen, that that will make her happier and stop her from faking mental issues (since it’s the new vogue). So, he buys her a watch. At the end of the episode, the camera leaves on a dark shot of the kitchen, focused on the symbolizing Betty’s place in ignorance (darkness) and in the kitchen, while husband is in the enLIGHTened study room speaking with the psychiatrist.

In the Feminine Mystique, Betty Friedan talks about how women would cry in relief to know that other women feel the same void, because it would be so anti-feminine to talk about one’s unhappiness in the life of a homemaker. However, she said that this was a phenomenon sweeping the nation as women rights was sweeping through other countries like France, American women would claim, though, that they had no need to seek equality because they believed they already had it (politically, yes but not socially).

I do not think that the feminine mystique is confined to women today, I think that this is a mystique that plagues our nation (if not much of the Western world). Men and women chase the “American dream”, live big, party every night but while that is the vogue of our media today, many men and women are walking around thinking, isn’t there something more? They would never claim their unhappiness in such a lifestyle, unless they were going to see a therapist (which is now glorified in the media), rather they would try to fit themselves into the mold and put on a big smile. Yet, depression and suicide rates are up. I think that this new age of unhappy pursuits comes from a place of cultural expectation, lack of gratitude, and selfishness. When a person is only focused on themselves, they miss out on the people around them and it is then very understandable that they want to find “something more” something bigger than themselves.

Ultimately, I think that void can be filled in no way other than a personal relationship with Jesus. I think that all people will walk around without identity and in selfish light looking for something bigger until they find the God of love, firm identity, and great purpose.

We’ve been talking about interracial relationships recently in class, and it prompted me to think about interracial families. One of the concerns that several classmates brought up (saying that it was a concern that many of their grandparents; as mine) that if an interracial couple was to get married, how would their children know which race to identify with?
This is a stigma that runs deep in our culture and can be seen easily in the adoption system here. I interned with an adoption agency in high school, and one of the things that my mentors stressed to me the most was that a lot of families come into the adoption agency saying that they want to take a child in, no matter their background and love them. However, what they really mean is that they want a child who looks just like them and is young enough to have not developed any sort of psychological damage. Most families leave the adoption agency when they realize that there are no infant caucasian babies needing to be adopted, though there are hundreds of African American and Hispanic babies and children who need homes. This is because there is a stigma associated with families who have members of different races.
There was an article in the New York Times a couple weeks ago that was talking about a family that consisted of an interracial couple and their adopted children (of different races). They were talking about how while people don’t say much out right to them, a lot of the time they stare longer than normal. So though the family views each other as family and the same, it’s a little harder to remember their similarities when they walk outside and people stare. (http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/13/us/for-mixed-family-old-racial-tensions-remain-part-of-life.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=interracial%20couples&st=cse)
It would be my dream to have an interracial family so that the children would grow up seeing people of different races as their brothers, sisters, mother and father. I think it is a tangible way of depicting my view that all humans are completely equal, and extraordinarily unique from each other at the same time. I think it would be a cool way of bringing this awareness to our family as well as to our community.