Marriage and Family According to Me

Hey everyone (for the last time)!

To start off with, I have to say that the subject of structure vs. agency is one that I have always struggled with deciding where I stand. As much as I want to say that we all make our own decisions, I can’t ignore the fact that our social structure does influence our decisions in big ways. This class has especially pointed out some areas in which I have been influenced without even realizing it.

I always thought that the reason that I want to get married is that I want long term companionship, but the more I think about it the more I have to admit that I have bought into the social narrative of the way my life is supposed to play out. While it is true that I want companionship and help in remaining financially stable, I feel like I want this because it is what I have been told will make me happy in life. The typical social narrative has taught me that in order for me to have a happy and successful life, I need to go to college, find a good job, get married and have 2.5 kids. Any other deviation from this path will leave me wanting in some way. This class has helped to show me that there are other formulas that can lead to a happy life and that marriage isn’t necessarily part of it. This being said, I feel like if I do decide to get married, it will be because it is what I really want to do and not just because it is what I feel like I have to do.

According to the sociological statistics, I will marry someone that has the same ethnicity, socioeconomic background, age, education level, religion and location as me. This being said, currently I would then be looking to marry someone that is white, from an upper middle class family, around 18, in college, Christian and in either Waco or Katy, Tx. To me, I feel like these can have different influences depending on where you live and how you are raised. For example, because I grew up around a lot of different ethnicities, this factor isn’t as important to me. Other factors like religion can be very important though in having similar values and ethics. While I think that for every person these factors play a role in varying degrees that they have a say in, I do believe that most people are indeed influenced by these factors. Choosing a mate is not just as simple as magically falling in love. Whether you know it or not, everyone takes these factors into consideration. In this sense, I think that both structure and agency combine for someone to find a romantic partner.

For me, an ideal family structure would be my husband, myself and one child. I want this not only because it is the structure that I came out of, but also because I believe that it is the best way to foster a strong bond between parent and child as well as offer the best chance for their success. I feel like this would be the best situation because of the influence of the resource dilution theory. According to this, when people have more than one child, the resources are divided amongst them and therefore each one gets less. This not only applies to material things such as money, but also to time and attention as well. Like I said before, this is the same family structure that I came out of and I believe that it worked extremely well for us. Because it was just the three of us, I was able to spend a lot of time with my parents and was able to become very close to them. It was also helpful in that I had more chances to do things because all of the money was going to me. Where many of my friends that had siblings had to choose what they wanted to do, I was able to do many after school activities and figure out what I really liked.

When it comes to divorce, the mere fact that my parents are not divorced greatly decreases my chances of getting divorced. I also have had limited exposure to it in the rest of my life. If anything, the exposure that I have had would lead me to believe that getting a divorce doesn’t fix problems, but merely puts a different label on them. This is especially true when children are involved. Just because a couple is getting a divorce, this doesn’t mean that they never have to see each other again. Communication and a constructive environment are imperative for two people to successfully co-parent after a divorce. Also, my parents have never really considered divorce a viable option for fixing marital problems and have passed this thinking on to me. I do however agree that in certain situations that can be destructive, divorce is an appropriate option. I would like to think though that before I would decide to make a major commitment like marriage, I would know the person well enough that such problems could be avoided. Even though I hope to never be in a situation where divorce is a serious consideration, I’m glad that I live in a time and place where there is a social model for it to work well.

While love is still a major factor in the stability of my future relationships, I now understand that a successful partnership has more factors than just this. For a relationship to be stable there needs to be a positive connection between two people that makes it worthwhile for both parties. In our society in which men and women are beginning to both bring in equitable income, there is less of a financial pull for a marriage to stay together than in the past. In the same sense, we have found other social structures that fulfill our needs that were originally met by the family. Because of this, marriage has taken on the role of satisfying our need for emotional support and comfort. Despite this, I believe that a marriage that is only based off of emotions is not as stable as one in which both partners are vested in each other in a variety of ways. In this sense I think that there is an essential conflict between structure and agency. While the structure of our society says that marriage is supposed to be based off marriage, when it comes to personal choice marriage can actually be based off of a variety of things (as it has been in the past).

I’m really glad that I took this class because I believe that I am now better prepared to go out into the real world and make more educated decisions. Now that I am more aware of the structures that influence my decisions, I feel like I will be able to consciously choose the path that is right for me. Thanks Ashley!

Hannah

Hey everybody!

I have to admit that I had never really stopped to think about the reason behind why people are traditionally expected to be monogamous. It makes me wonder whether we’re really meant to only be with one person or if it is actually a social construction of our environment. I thought that Ashley made a really interesting point when she mentioned that there is no cultural model for polygamy. We traditionally think of it as a bad thing and because of this we have no precedence on how to make it work even if we wanted to. Because we have nothing to look to as a formula, we have no way to figure out how to succeed in such relationships. This also made me wonder if people are naturally jealous when their partners have an affair or if it is really the reaction that we have because we have been socialized to believe that having multiple partners is wrong. Like we have said in class before, it is difficult (if not impossible) to find a single person that can fulfill all of the emotional, financial and physical needs in our lives. In other areas of our lives, such as the education of our children or producing our own food, we have grown more accustomed to the idea of letting other people or institutions take care of our needs. I think that this is the same concept with polygamy. When one social structure is unable to fully satisfy all of our needs, it is natural for us to look for other sources to. This being said, to make such a relationship work would require a great deal of communication and honesty between partners as well as a restructuring of what is expected in a relationship.

 This is a hard question to ask because I’m not sure how you could prove either side. Despite the way this blog sounds, I don’t personally advocate polygamy. Now I just wish I knew whether I’m saying this because it’s what I really feel or if it’s what I’ve been socialized to say.

Hannah Quinn

Hey everybody!

I just had to comment on something that Ashley said in class that other day that was really powerful to me. She made the point that when you are getting a divorce and you have a child, you still have to be able to deal with your previous spouse if you expect to be able to raise your child together. Many people think that they will be happier after a divorce, but if kids are involved, you won’t be able to escape your ex-spouse forever. To me it seems like that a lot of people forget this part of it when they are getting a divorce. Many people focus on getting away from their partner, instead of figuring out how to form a united front to raise their children despite being apart. Obviously there are exceptions to this such as when abuse or neglect is a factor, but if the children are in joint custody and are suddenly having to travel between two houses, a clear line of communication is crucial. Even if you may not like the person, it is important to be able to discuss how you are raising your child and what is expected. I have personally seen the scaring and lasting effects on my own friends when parents put their own disputes above the wellbeing of their children. When the children become bargaining chips and a way to one up a former spouse, it can create extreme stress in a child’s life. Like Ashley said, it is important to recognize that you have a responsibility to your children to act like adults and find a way to function and raise your kids the best way you can. To me, this responsibility has a lot to do with how seriously people take marriage and having kids. It seems like many people don’t understand the significance of legally tying yourself to another person. This connection becomes even more complicated and intricate when you decide to have kids. Even if things don’t work out with your spouse, you still have to take responsibility for your decision to bring another human being into the world.

I understand that divorce can be good and benefit the entire family in certain situations, but I’ve personally only ever run into it in a negative context in which the parents have not stepped up to the plate. I hope that my own interactions with divorce are more extreme than most cases and that most people do find a way to peacefully raise their kids together.

 Hannah Quinn

Hey everyone!

I’m happy to say that my parents are still happily married and that divorce has never really entered the picture before. This being said, I have to admit that it has been something that I’ve worried about before. Oddly enough, right after I came to college I started having dreams that my parents were getting divorced. To say the least it freaked me out, but I talked to my parents and luckily my worries were unfounded. I think a lot of my stress stemmed from the transition of one phase of our lives to another. I was afraid that now since my parents were empty nesters that their relationship was going to change drastically. My parents kindly reminded me though that they had lived together without me just fine for a number of years before I came into the picture.

One of the things that I thought was really interesting about our talk today in class was the emphasis on our discomfort with the idea of a couple getting a divorce when they had been married a long time (20, 30, 40+ years). It made me wonder where this unease came from. As I was thinking, I came to the conclusion that we find it so upsetting because it calls into question the solidity of the institution of marriage as a whole. We begin to think that if these people who have made it work for such a long time can’t in the long haul, how are we supposed to think that we can. We have been drilled since childhood that marriage is supposed to be this unbreakable bond that will last forever, but in reality it often doesn’t work this way. Whether from first hand experience or seeing friends parent’s go through a divorce, it is easy to see that while the idea of marriage is nice, it isn’t always the ideal situation. In a way it almost makes you question if humans are really supposed to mate for life or if it simply a social construct that we impose upon ourselves. That’s why I have such a great deal of respect for my parents for having lasted so long. In an odd way they have come to symbolize for me the idea that marriage can last, it just takes a great deal of hard work and perseverance. In the end, I think that people really just underestimate the effort that is needed in a marriage. They assume that love will see them through and are unprepared for when things really do get tough. While I want to say that divorce is bad, if all parties involved are not satisfied, it seems like it can be a good thing.

Hannah

Hey everyone!

So thinking about this sibling topic has been really hard for me. Because I’m an only child, I have no idea the way that a family would work with siblings and it’s hard for me to not fall back on typical stereotypes. Since I’m the only child in my family, I got all of the resources to myself. I remember when I was younger that I got to do basketball, volleyball, tennis, karate, dance, gymnastics, swimming and shot put and discus, while my friends that had siblings had to choose only one or two of these activities. This didn’t just apply to sports, but also to hobbies such as cosplay, sculpting or slot car racing. Since I didn’t have to work due to our financial situation, I also was pushed to join a variety of clubs to see what I loved. I didn’t realize until later how blessed I was as a child to have had the resources to be able to experiment with what I enjoyed and had a passion for.

I also was the one to receive the majority of my parents’ attention. They were always very adamant about spending time with me and being a part of my life and my interests. Because I was the only kid and all of my other family lived in Tennessee, I became extremely close to my parents. I had to rely on them alone to fill the needs of family ties and parental support. Even to this day they are not only my parents, but also my closest friends and supporters. The only time that this relationship was extremely strained was when my grandmother got sick. While she’s obviously not a sibling, the same theories apply to the situation. My grandmother moved into a house that was two streets over from our house so that she could be close to us, but then when she was sick, this became a blessing and a curse. While it was good that it was easy to check on her, my mother started to spend more and more time with her to the point that I didn’t see her very often and when I did she was tired and frustrated. In this sense I was no longer the only child and I had to deal with my parents attention divided between me and my grandmother. While this may sound strange, it put a great deal of stress on my entire family because we suddenly had this other person that was dependent on us. Even though I may not have experienced resource delusion in a sibling sense, I still understand how this can create animosity and frustration between all parties involved.

Since my family is so small, it was also easier for my parents to take me places such as museums or more “adult” events. Because it is harder for parents to juggle multiple children, it is often to more difficult for them to go to such places. I remember when I was younger my family would go to different museums and such things more often than a lot of my other friends did and I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that they had siblings. Only having one child also makes it easier for parents to get together with other adults. I spent a lot of my childhood around adults instead of other children, simply because my parents could take me places that larger families would have a hard time going. Because of this, I have been able to have a really close relationship with my parents as well as become more comfortable with talking to adults in general.

I also thought the topic of the fit between genetics and environment was interesting. Ever since I was a kid I was aware of how similar I was to my parents. Whether it’s due to nature or nurture, I’m not sure, but the similarities are there regardless. I feel like that my genetics and my general propensity for academics have fit in well with my environment. Both of my parents greatly value education because that is how they were able to escape their socioeconomic status from when they were younger, and they have in turn ingrained this importance into me. The opportunities I had when I was younger and my general interests have shaped me to fit into this kind of household.  

I find it interesting the way that all of these factors go into shaping each of our families in such dramatically different ways. I’m sorry that I can’t really speak to a lot of the other topics that are listed, but I just can’t think of how they would apply to my situation.

Hannah

Hey everyone!

So I have to admit that since we had the mom panel and since we have been talking about babies so much lately, it really has made me consider whether or not I want to have kids. It just dawned on me recently that if I do decide to have children, it will more than likely be within about the next 10 years. This thought terrifies me. This pressure always seemed like it was way off in the future, but now it is starting to feel very real. While I feel pressured by the traditional narrative that we are supposed to follow, I still feel the need to step back and decide if this responsibility is really something that I want. By making the decision to have a child, you are making the choice to bring another life into this harsh world and you are responsible for not only protecting him/her, but also making sure that they are raised to be good human beings. That is a lot of pressure. I’m also terrified of all of the things that could go wrong. I have seen it happen to people that I care about on numerous occasions. And it’s not just fear of complications during birth, but all of the other things that can happen like infant death syndrome that scare me more that anything. I know that there are plenty of happy, healthy babies born every day, but at the same time it is dangerous to think that it could never happen to you. It can always happen to you.

In the end though, I’d hope that the benefits and joy of having a child would out way all of the pain and fear and suffering that is involved. There are so many variables into this decision (marriage, money, location, job) that I have no idea whether or not I will give into the pressure of the narrative or not, but at the same time I want to make sure that it is what is right for me first.

Hannah

Hey everyone!

I thought that the article on co-sleeping was really interesting because this is a story I’v heard time and time again. This made me think of a baby shower I went to a couple of weeks ago during which the mom to be got a special pillow designed to help protect the baby during co-sleeping. This made me laugh because it made me think of the stories of my mom when I was a baby. She didn’t co-sleep with me for the exact same fears brought up in the article, but at the same time she experienced extreme stress with me in the room. When I was on her side of the bed at night she would constantly try to check on me to the point she barely slept. Eventually though I was moved to my dad’s side of the bed so everyone could get a good nights rest.

On the other hand, while everyone stresses the danger of accidentally rolling over on a child, they never focus on the good things that skin contact can do for the bond between parent and child. This being true though, it is not necessary to do it while sleeping. Simply holding you child will also be beneficial.

 When it comes down to it, I think that the decision has to be up to each mom. There is no magic golden rule. While some parents may feel very strongly about the benefits of sleeping with their children, others may feel that the profits don’t out way the risks.

Hannah

Hi everyone!

I just wanted to start off by saying that I really enjoyed the panel discussion that we had today. I was actually really surprised about what I learned! One of the points that I found to be the most amazing thing was that the balance of essential elements vary in breast milk as the child changes and grows. I find it mind blowing that a woman’s body will actually adjust as to what it is the baby needs. This made me wonder though why you would go to a milk bank or use formula. To me it seems like what will benefit the baby the most is really breast feeding because it’s tailored for the babies body. It would obviously make sense to use such other methods if there were other medical complications though. Because of the importance of breast milk, it makes me wonder why there aren’t more social structures to support it. I’m sure that more mothers would be interested in breast feeding if it was easier to fit into their busy lives. If more companies provided infant/ young child care and facilities for women to breast feed, then I would hope that the social stigma against breast feeding would diminish. It’s also odd to think that something that is so basic and vital would every be thought of as vulgar and inappropriate. I think that it is silly that we have become more concerned about social appearance and ease of comfort than the actual welfare of our children. When it really comes down to it, this is simply just another bodily process and it is really cool the way that our bodies can provide such life-giving milk.

Hannah

Hi everyone!

I’m sorry if this seems slightly off topic, but this just struck me as interesting when I was thinking about it. Last night I had film club and we where watching the 1962 version on Lolita. While the topic of this movie is in itself rather taboo, the thing that stood out to me was the way in which the gender roles played out. There was one scene in particular during which Lolita and Humbert were arguing that really seemed to drive the reversal of their positions home. During this scene Humbert becomes agitated with Lolita and starts to complain about how he is the one that is always cleaning and cooking and working, while she only goes to school and then comes home and lounges around. To me, this highlights two of the concepts that we have been talking about. First it reminded me about our discussion of the division of labor in the home and the way that the wife is generally the one who takes care of all of the chores that Lolita is neglecting. It also hints at the idea of the second shift in that Humbert works at a college and also is the one who does the housework. Secondly  it made me recall how we talked about the idea that the person with the least interest in the relationship is the one who really has the power. Because Lolita is not dependent on Humbert for attention, he feels the need to actively pursue her and try to win her over.

This odd idea of role reversal personally made me uncomfortable throughout the movie. By seeing the man play out a more womanly, and in a sense more desperate roll., I felt like there was a disconnect with how the story should play out. It made me wonder why it is that such gender role reversals can make us upset. What is it about our culture that makes it hard for men and women to switch roles easily?

Hannah

Hey everyone!

It has been really strange reading the arguments that Arnett makes because they all fit so closely into my life. He describes the emerging adult period in life as the time between being a teenager and becoming an adult, generally occurring between a person’s late teens and late 20s. I personally am 18 right now and I feel like I am just beginning to enter this period of my life. The idea of the narrative also has great deal of influence on how we live our lives. The narrative is a road map or the “right” story that your life is supposed to follow. This is extremely important for emerging adults because they have to decide whether or not they want to stay on this path throughout their live. The common narrative in our culture essentially follows the path that once you graduate high school, you are supposed to go to college, work hard and have fun, get a job, find your soul mate, get married, have 2 kids, and live happily ever after. I personally find sticking to the narrative difficult for what I personally want to do with my life, but at the same time I feel a great deal of social pressure to conform to it.

Arnett also attributes five main characteristics to emerging adulthood. The first is that it is a time of identity exploration. Be it in love, work, or just life in general, you are trying to go out and figure out who you want to be for the rest of your life. I personally find myself questioning about this all of the times. I am perpetually trying to figure out who the person I want to become is and whether what I am doing right now is helping to shape that. Next is that it is an age of instability. This period is generally marked by a lot of moving to different locations (even possibly moving back in with you parents) or changing jobs multiple times in order to try to make ends meet. It is simply a time where multiple revisions of your plans are necessary. While I haven’t really been out of the house long enough to have moved a lot, I am sure that I will over the next few years of my life. Another characteristic is that it is usually a time of self-focus. This means that because you are trying to figure out your life and are trying to explore new things, people at this age tend to think about themselves before others. I don’t really like this aspect of emerging adulthood, but at the same time I can’t help but focus on taking care of myself first before I go and do other things. Next is the idea of feeling in between because at this point in your life you are no longer a kid, but you are still not an adult. There is a great deal of ambiguity as emerging adults begin to take on all of the new responsibilities in their lives. I really hate how true this is. I run into this problem all of the time. Be it trying to make friends, find a date or just interacting with people in general, I never feel like I fit with anyone because I am either too young or even at times too old. Lastly is that emerging adulthood is marked by a lot of new possibilities. As you leave home, you begin to experience a whole new sense of freedom, although this is also accompanied by a great deal of pressure to make the right choices. This makes me think about going to Late Night at the SLC when all of the booths were set up for the different organizations. For me, this really underlined how many more options of things there are to do now since I’ve left home.

One of the major areas that Arnett talks about in his book is that of the relationship with one’s parents. Generally, the narrative says that you are supposed to distance yourself and become more independent from them. This influences emerging adults to get out from under their parent’s wing and try to connect to them on a different level. Because you are trying to be more mature and responsible, you begin to talk to your parents as adults instead of just parents. I personally haven’t had a lot of problems with my parents since I left for college. Since I’m an only child, I have always been close to my parents and they have consistently made an effort to treat me and talk to me like I’m an adult. As I’ve left for college I still try to talk or text them a lot because communication is very important in maintaining any relationship. The only problem I would say that I have is when my mom starts to worry about me and starts to fuss over the little things. I know that she only does it because she cares though so I try to not let it bother me.

Another major topic is love and sex. The typical narrative seems to state that you are supposed to go out and have fun, but in the end you date in order to find the right kind of person you are looking for. This seems to have greatly influenced emerging adults, especially in the hook up culture. Emerging adults now seem to be less concerned with settling down early and are more concerned with shopping around and having fun. While this kind of behavior is safer now due to things like birth control and condoms, things like STDs and social stigma (especially for women) are still a very real problem. I personally feel this issue in the pressure of the people around me. As much as I want to have a boyfriend, I’m not as into the hook up culture attitude. Even though that kind of influence isn’t as prevalent here as it is at other campuses, the pressure of getting a “ring by spring” runs rampant. I know that I am expected to settle down at some point, but the idea of getting married in the next few years terrifies me.

The next major topic is work and career. In general, the common narrative states that you are supposed to get a well-paying job. This inevitable forces many emerging adults into going to college. The only problem is that only having a college degree won’t get you very far now so more and more people are heading off to get their masters and doctorates. While they are still in school or are taking a break from school, many also have a lower-end job. As they start to move out into the work force they begin to try to figure out what they are good at and what they enjoy in order to find a career. They are essentially looking for the job that “clicks” with them. Many emerging adults are influenced by what their parents do. While some want to follow in their footsteps, many use them as a model of the kind of life that they don’t want. No matter what though, emerging adults always have to face the reality that life is tough and that you don’t always get your dream job. For me this is a hard topic because I’ve never had a job. My parents always told me that my job was school and that they didn’t want me to have to work like they did. The only problem now is that I question how ready I’ll be for the real world when it comes time to get a job. I also feel the pressure in declaring my major. When I tell people that I’m studying art history and sociology, they generally ask “Well what are you going to do with that?” or “What kind of job do you want to do?” To me this implies that it doesn’t matter if I’m studying something that really interests me if there isn’t an obvious job in it in the future.

The last major topic is that of religion. The narrative seems to imply that this is a period during which emerging adults are trying to find a belief that fits them. It is often marked by exploring a variety of religions and questioning the faith in which you were raised. During this period there is a relatively even spread across being agnostic/atheist, deist, liberal and conservative. I personally fall into more of the liberal category. While I grew up in the church and my parents taught Sunday school, I haven’t been to church since I was in junior high. In general I’m just tired of all of the labels and hypocrisy that come with organized religion. Surprisingly since I’ve come to Baylor I have actually joined a Bible study, but admittedly its more about the people who are there and the fact that we meet in someone’s apartment that makes me feel more comfortable. I don’t know if I will ever really turn back toward a more devout religion, but I’m trying to be as open as possible.

I think that beyond all of the “qualifications” for being an adult, the most important factor is being able to make your own decisions and being able to take care and provide for yourself. When you have the freedom to do what you want, you must exercise proper judgment and restraint in order to take care of yourself and to me this epitomizes what it means to be an adult. I feel like this transcends both the physical and legal factors to something that is more essential to be an adult. Because of this I don’t feel like I am yet an adult. While I am more independent and I can make decisions on my own, I still rely on my parents for a lot of things. I feel like this is ok though because I am an emerging adult and I am working toward this goal.

Hannah