“I open at the end” (Final)

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There has been a debate over which comes first in the social world structure or agency. “Agency refers to the capacity of individuals to act independently and to make their own free choices. Structure refers to the recurrent patterned arrangements which influence or limit the choices and opportunities available.” Due to the fact that I am coming from a psychology background I can easily see how this debate can be compared to the nature vs. nurture debate. Are we born to do and act certain ways or are we a product of our environment? Just like the nature vs. nurture debate structure and agency I believe exist concurrently. With agency we are able to choose what we want to do with our lives but it is the structure that may mold our ideas originally. After learning, talking, and experiencing different aspects of our emerging adulthood I can better express the ideas and goals for my narrative with a more sociological approach. The following questions will be answered based on this perspective while highlighting how my ideas and or goals may or may not have changed throughout the course this semester.

•Why do you want to get married?
I want to get married because of love which is one the main reasons people choose to get married today. I also know that marriage will bring many benefits into my life that will be helpful in my growth and development. Marriage benefits are not always afforded to everyone such as cohabitants, gay and lesbian couples. The do not receive benefits such as healthcare, patient visits at the hospital in some case, life insurance, and even when the marriage evens they don’t receive divorce benefits. The benefits that I receive I know are the just a bonus. I also want to get married because I want to have a family and have a lifelong partner. Although you do not need to get married in order to do these things studies show that married couples are more stable in that they have a more set in stone commitment than others that makes relationships last longer. And in some case families with two parent homes do better economically and emotionally then one parent households. I do not feel that my feelings towards marriage have changed much over the course of the semester. I realize more that the reason I want to get married is part of my agency and structure combined. It is part of my agency because I feel marrying for love is a choice that I am free to make, and I can choose to love and marry who I want. It is a structure because love is now the norm across America for reasons to get married. It is almost a fact that people should and do get married for love thus becoming a recurring pattern.

•What is the purpose of marriage?
On a structural standpoint the purpose of marriage is for family access, economics, stability, and now love. Our surrounding environment tells us that we will receive each of these aspects when we are married. As an agency there is always a choice on whether to marry or not because it is possible to have these things without marriage but also it is our choice on how our marriage is built and runs. Marriage for most people creates a sense of stability and commitment that other relationships cannot fully give a person. So many marry for a greater commitment, some for money, some for stability but mainly for love. People want to feel and receive love it is what is structurally taught to us. Whether we accept and acknowledge it is our agency of choice.

•Who (what kind of person) are you likely to marry?
I will most likely marry someone with the same socioeconomic background as myself, someone of the same race, and class background at least that I what I learned from the course. It may not happen because I am so open to dating that I do not feel I have an exact type. But then again it is just dating and has yet to come as far as marriage. My future husband to me is unknown and the possibilities of who he is, what he does, and what he looks like to me are up in the air. I love to expect the unexpected it makes me more excited for life and even if my structure is telling me to marry one type my agency screams marry who you want.

•What kind of family structure do you expect to have? How many children?
I feel like I want to have the “normal” family structure that is learned from my environment but have the agency of choice to pick how it is runs, works, and who is in it. I want to get married and have at least two kids. I want to have them after my career and after my husband is more into his career but during a time when we have the time. I feel like this will take a lot of time and planning but because it is so important to me that I “get it right” I will wait for the right moment to start my family, unless God plans it our differently. Once I begin my family I want to stay home with the children the first year. Then go back to work. I do plan to have the second shift but I hope and expect my husband to help as much as possible. I want to be able to have a career and family all at the same time. It will take a lot of work and patience but again because it is what I really want I am will to make sacrifices if it shall come to that.

•How will your family compare with the family you have come out of? (e.g. if your parents divorced, how will this affect your chances of divorce)
Although my parents did get divorced they are back together remarried and quite happy. Like the past reading I did on divorce I do feel that I learned a great deal from watch their mistakes and their good moments. I can use these as a framework for my future family. My chances for divorce maybe higher than some but because my parents worked it out and are back together and I got to witness all of it and the coming together as a two parent household I feel like I have a slight advantage.

•How likely are you to divorce?
From a sociological perspective I say I am 50% likely to get a divorce. Due to the fact that divorce rates are up from the 1950s and divorce is not easier to obtain I think sociologically I am more likely to divorce. There is also the fact that my parent were divorced at one point and so that makes more likely to get a divorce due to some sociological and psychological research that shows children with divorced [aren’t being more like than children whose parents are together to get a divorce. Another reason I may be more likely to get a divorce is that fact that I am African American and minorities are more likely to get a divorce.
Some of the reasons I am less likely to get a divorce are that I plan on getting married after I finish school. Studies have found that people with higher education levels are less likely to get divorced. Also my parents are remarried and still together which also helps the odds of me not getting divorce. I also do not plan to get married for a couple of years so it will make my age at which I marry older than most thus making it more likely that I don’t divorce.

•How important is love in the context of the stability of your future romantic relationships/marriage?
Love is a major factor in my future relationships this I feel is a part of my agency. It is my choice to love someone or not. No one is inherently telling me to love a specific person. Love is a development from affection I do not believe it is learned but I do feel we are all born with the ability to love. I know that everyone loves a different type of way which was explained in the chapter about love. But I am a hopeless romantic and hope that my love for my husband or boyfriend will last forever. I also feel that love does help stabilize and sustain relationships. It is possible to go into a relationship without love or to have a relationship that love has faded away but we have learned from the structure we live in that this type of relationship does not last. Once love is gone in the relationship its possible it can still be stable but not in the emotional sense and eventually everything will catch up and the lack of love will ruin the relationship in the end.

•Assuming this a general goal of long-term relationships, how will you remain satisfied in your relationship/marriage across the marital life cycle?
One of the main ways I will attempt to remain satisfied in my relationship is always having open communication. I want to communicate my roles and duties from the get go. During conflicts I want to be able to openly communicate but still maintain a sense of self. I think if I and my partner are constantly communicating our wants and needs and trying to adhere or at least list to them it will create a more stable environment. Another way I feel I could remain satisfied would be to keep my goal and aspirations known. So that I have another person to hold me accountable and I would do the same for my spouse. I know down the line there will be trials and tribulations but I do hope to learn ways to fix or at least grow from them. A lot of things in this course made me more aware of for my future such as marriage rates, love, divorce, family, work, ect… I hope to use these as informed guides as to what I want out of my future and how I want it. Hopefully one day I will find someone that wants the same things and that I will be able to start a life and family with that person. That right there is how I will ultimately be satisfied is if I am with someone who truly cares and generally wants similar things out of life and relationships.

Ending one chapter beginning another…

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After the game last night I ended a chapter in my narrative. I have participated in band for 12 years playing the clarinet. And this will have been my 8th year in marching band. I absolutely loved marching band in high school and junior year when I was choosen to be drum major really broaden my horizons on what band could truly offer me in life. Throughtout high school and most of my life I have been fortunate to particpate in numerous activities but being in band by far has been the highlight. When I came to Baylor I was slightly hesitant to join the marching band just because I thought it would limit the other things I would be able to do. But it was the best decision i could ever make because i have really enjoyed participating in it. After four year I have come to appreciate band and music in new ways. And so knowing that this would be my last official game it made it really sad. Music has been a major part of life for so longer it is really hard to think of a life without it. I know that I will still find some way to incorporate it into my life but I know it will never be the same. The ending one chapter of my narrative really made me think about my life, my goals, and my future. Band is just a facet if my life that taught me a lot, helped me meet some incredible people, and honestly made me the person I am today. Just because it is ending doesnt mean a complete end. I put so much time, effort, and into music that I know will find some way to have it in my life. And I know that I am able to do great things with a lot of passion and investment. I learned throughout my musical career. I will miss the people I will have to leave behind from music and miss the people that I have already left behind but having the many memories to share makes the heart ache much less. I am excited to find something new and explore more options and ways to express myself.

Sister Wives

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“Sister Wives” is what they call themselves; this show is about four women who share the same husband in all aspects of life. He is their partner, lover, provider, and father of their children. This past season I choose to watch this show because it seemed extremely interesting to watch a lifestyle so different from my own, so different from many Americans. And it is good I watched because it relates to the topic we have been discussing in class about monogamous relationships. The big debate is whether or not people or made to “spread the love” around.
The women on the show would obviously agree that this is possible. The will attest that they love being sister wives together and married to the husband Cody. A couple of the women have come from families with which participated in sister wives also so they had prior knowledge and experience. So they knew to an extent what they would be getting there selves into. They all claim to be extremely happy with their life but that to mean there isn’t tension and jealousy sometimes. Which to me personally seems like it would be the main issue. From the man’s perspective some may look at Cody and be like lucky dude getting to be with three women and think to themselves that it’s only about sex. But the women like to express it has nothing to do with sex it’s about the love and bond they share as a huge family. And if it were about sex then why would he “marry” them, why would put up with for women plus children and the responsibility it comes with if it wasn’t something more than just sex. I would also like to note that the family are Mormons but are from different domination of the Mormon Church and that some Mormons do not accept their lifestyles. As far as the children are concerned most do not want to follow in their parents footsteps and become sister wives or have multiple wives. Their main reason was jealousy and that they just could not see themselves doing what their parents is doing. It’s not so much that they disagree with the lifestyle more as they are choosing to live a different one. The show covers a lot of ground as far as each wives life, their life with Cody,, and their life as “sisters”. But it does appear to be scatter which very much resembles how their own lives are and can be. The most important aspect that the show reveals and that the women say constantly is that they love each and their lives and they enjoy the relationships they have. Thus shows that love can truly be divided and shared between and relationships can be made at least as far as this show is concerned.

Divorce Readings

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After reading the articles on divorce I learned a great deal of more fact about divorce instead of the typical opinion based knowledge I only know from experience.
The first article by Marquardt talks about a study done on divorce by Ahrons. Ahrons tries to paint divorce in a positive or neutral light but showing that divorce is not a bad but good thing for some people. Marquardt shows that Ahrons’ study has a lack of a control group is a serious limitation, Ahrons sidesteps the issue. It is not shown in Ahrons’ study that children do better when an adult ends a marriage he or she perceives as “devitalized, which was a big component she tried to highlight throughout. Also Ahrons remains preoccupied with the concept of stigma. One of the last things Marquardt wanted to express about the Ahrons study was that “Ahrons wants above all to get children to stop expecting perfection from their family lives. But one wonders if she would be willing to pass along the same advice to men and women who are considering divorce.”
In the article about why not all unhappy couples are alike I came to the following conclusions. Divorce comes in all shapes and forms just like people and not everyone is alike. Because not every one person is a like nor are there relationships. So no one could be classified the same. Divorce may happen due to similar issues but each circumstance is uniquely different. Although infidelity, love loss, alcohol and drug use seem be the trending reason people divorce the people experiencing these issues are in fact experiencing these issues in different ways. For one thing people deal with conflict in different was one may choose to ignore and avoid it while the other faces head can all result in reasons for divorce. Just like you can’t completely stereotype people into certain categories you cannot completely stereotype divorces as one type.
In the last article about how children are affected by divorce can be expressed positively and negatively. It some ways children can learn and grow from their parent’s mistakes. But during the process of the divorce it can be extremely detrimental to the children for many reasons. I highlighted these reasons in a previous blog but to sum up what I said and to hit upon what was expressed in the article. Children’s world are torn upside down because of the divorce, yes the child will no longer witness or feel the animosity that is happening with the parents. But they will feel the upheaval side effects such as the loss of a parent. One parent will leave and will not be there as much. There are also financial hardships they will notice and may suffer through. Some of these things will take an emotionally toll on the children but with support in and out of the home children can get through divorce.
The articles and my own experiences have helped my understand the dynamics of a divorce and may be will one day become beneficial in my own personal life.

Whats in the kids best interest?

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So in concurrence with this course I have been taking a course called psychology of personal relationships. Awesomely enough most of the topics we’ve been discussing I have also been discussing in that class which is also right before. It worked out perfectly to have a discussion on divorce at the same time so that I could have more information to share and think about. Here are some facts I have learned in my psychology course that relates to this class.
Divorce is more prevalent in the 20th century. And it has increased for several reasons; high expectations for marriage, women working, changing gender roles, creeping individualism, low sex ratios, no-fault divorce legislation, and premarital cohabitation may all have played a part. The most named personal perceptions of problems were infidelity, incompatibility, and drug use.
One of the main components I wanted to highlight about divorce was how it affects children. After thousands and thousands of research has been done on children whose parents stay together and children’s whose parents divorced it has been founded children whose parents divorce” exhibit lower levels of well-being both as adolescent and as young adults. Their psychological adjustment is poorer; they experience more depression and anxiety and less satisfaction of life. Their behavior is more problematic; they use more drugs, break more laws, make more unwanted babies, and get poorer grades. And as adults their relationships are more fragile; children of divorce often get divorced too.” The three main causes of these things that develop from divorce are parental loss, parental stress, economic hardship, and parental conflict. Children can overcome these things with a good support system within and out of the home.

Divorce…remarriage…to the same person?

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When I was about ten years old my parent divorced. I was actually very happy because I witnessed or heard alot of the fight and they were extremely hard to deal with. Although I was nervous for my mom becoming a single mom and it just being us and me tweo brothers I had a lot a faith in her that she would provided a more stable home. Yes even as a ten year old I was thinking this, I was quite wise. We werenot as stable as I hoped, as far as living arrangements were concerned we moved a lot but all within the same towns. But we always kept the same school. And my mom did a great job making us feel secure in all aspects. We started going to visit my dad every other weeks and mondays and it was great but he did provide and unrealistic parenting style for more development in our lives. We would eat out every weekend plus he cook his specialoes which was basicaly meat and any seasoning he could find. Plus we ould all go to the movies together every weekend and he would fill us up with candy and popcorn. Honestly for a divorce everything seemed pretty great.For the mosty part my parents got a long. As the years passed they got along even better and started going on dates with each other. Yes i said dates with each other. This was weird, its wierd when your parents start to go on dates with other people but when its with each other i feel like it was even wierder. I was exactly happy with this idea since they had not gotten along in the past and things seem to work well with the divorce but I was a child in their eyes therefore what ever objections I had I did not voice. Years past and we moved back in with my dad then my sister was born. I figured they would just cohabitat now since that it was they were technically doing but they both got more involved with church and the summer before I went to college they renewed their vows and were remarried in our church. yes my parent got remarried, and yes it was to each other. It very hard to explain and a little awkward so i dont really talk about. In fact this is the first time Ive told the story fully and to twenty plus “strangers” but I felt it was necssary to show that these thuings do happen although rare. And its ggod to see how it affects the children since the majority of the time we are ignored.

Pecking Order

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After class discussions and listening to Conley interview about the pecking order I can reflect on how this relates to my life in many ways and discuss similarities and differences within my own family dynamic. I would first like to begin by giving a brief description of my family. We are a family of six. My parents are married. I am African American. I have three siblings, two brother, one sister. We are middle class American. And we love each other:) As Conley spoke about the different components of families it made me think of how my family situation relates to his ideas. They are as follows:

  • Distribution of resources among children: My parents have now have increased their ses and it is steadily rising since I was born. But before this increase we were lower class/middle class. I am the second child and was born after about 20 months after my brother. My dad was in the navy and my mom moved back in with my grandparent while she went to school. About a year later we moved to southern Illinois in a income based campus housing. My parents worked part time jobs and went to school and my dad was also in the army reserves for awhile. Four years after I was born my little brother was born. My mom bounced around a lot of different jobs while my dad found a stable job he worked for awhile. As far as distribution of resources when it was just me and my older brother for those four years it was really equal. I believe that even when my little brother came resources were still divided equally among us despite my family’s low income levels. Although since I was the only girl and middle growing up with two brothers I do fill I was allotted more things and activities but that wasn’t until about ten years down the road. When I was about 15 the distribution of resources changed somewhat due to my little sister being born. In this case I would agree that she is very spoiled and does posses the youngest child qualities. I do feel she receives a lot of my parents resources but that is also due to the fact that she is sick often and thus needs more attention. The distribution does get even out some instances when my parent help me or my older brother out with college finances.
  • The impact of family size: Due to the fact that there are four children does sometimes affect the family dynamic emotionally and financially. More children means more mouths to feeds, clothes, and a bunch of other needs and necessities that come with children. Now that my parents have both received their degrees and have really good jobs they are able to afford more things plus splurge and spoil us a little and their ses increase does help since we do have a family of six.
  • Gender differences (e.g. differences in treatment between a male and female child): I do feel their are gender differences in our household as with others. My brothers are allowed to do things they I have and can not do just because they are boys. And simple things like chores express gender difference in our household, like I never take out the trash when I home because it “my brothers job” and he rarely washes dishes although I contribute that to laziness. My parents are harder on my brother about grades than they are with me. This maybe due to expectation they already have placed on me.
  • Obesity: Obesity is not a huge problem in our family. But my family is very wieght conscious. My parent were always pretty fit when they were young and most of my childhood they didn’t gain weight until recently which is the normal “adult” not exercising weight. Both my brothers run track and cross country so they are very thin. My little sister seems to have the super skinny gene too. Its a shame its skipped me. But I do have to constantly watch my weight and it has been a struggle but I try to maintain a healthy diet. I don’t feel obese or that I will get that way but its good to be aware.
  • The impact of birth order: I do feel birth order is huge factor in my family dynamic. Because my older brother and I were born when my parent were really young and still in school we experienced a lot of different things emotionally and financially to my younger sister. My little brother came in the middle as we were coming out of lower class into lower middle class. And since me and my older brother have been away at school my younger brother and sister have gotten to experience the the rise in my family ses and so they have been given more things that my older brother and I did not have. They also seemed to be treated differently. I think my parents discipline style have changed over the year. And actually their parenting styles have changed too. All of these differences occur due to our birth order.
  • The fit between genetics and environment: Genetics and the environemt does play a role in my families life like in the nature vs nuture debate. Both has contributed to my familys growth and development, as we have grown as a family and developled
  • Race (i.e. differences in skin tone between siblings: It is extremely ironic that skin tone is mentioned because I feel it does affect me and my family. My dad is extremely light for a black man and could be mistaken for mixed. My grandma his mom is the same way. I was always lighter than my brothers and my sister is the lightest out of all of us. Her skin is closer to my dad and grandma and my mom and I think it will stay that way now even if she gets a lot of sun in the future. I do think our skin tone will have an effect on how we are treated. People have asked me before if I was mixed it doesn’t offend me but makes me laugh because I am no where near the color of my dad or sister. As for my brother they will probably experience different treatment but I don’t fully fill it will be because of their darker skin tone more due to the fact that they are a black man in general.

This was a very good concept to think about and discuss and had stirred many more questions in my mind. I am very excited to get to discuss this with my parents when I finally go home for the first time in 13 days!

 

 

Turkey Day

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So thanksgiving at time to give thanks and be thankful. I am very thankful for my family, friends, and the wonderful opportunities I have been given. But I really would like to talk (vent) about my thanksgiving break which for the first time ever was less than enjoyable. I went to my grandmas house in Houston since I live in Illinois and tickets can get pricey.

The main reason the break was less than enjoyable was due to the fact that I had to put listen to a baby cry for two days straight without a pacifier. Now I know that I am not a parent and she is not my child but to not give a child a pacifier EVER seems insane. And to constantly pick her up when she cries so she does cry seems crazy to not to mention keeping her sheltered from other people. This all makes the child extremely spoliled.

This is just an observation that I witnessed. It made me want to have a kid less and not as soon as sad as it sounds. I do realize people have different parenting techniques that they are entitled to I just wish they would realize how certain technique could affect the child in the future. And more importantly affects the child when they are not around. Lesson learned, always carry spare pacifiers!

Co-Sleeping

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Co-sleeping is not something I have thought about participating in very much because I do not want to have children for a while. But after reading the article on co-sleeping and listening to my older brother complain about his new baby sleep in the bed with him I felt a necessary blog post was due.

The article first talked about a woman who recently feel asleep breast feeding her new born and woke up to him dead. A tragic accident that I cannot fathom how to deal with seems to spark problems that exist in many homes today. Should babies sleep in the bed with their parents? There are so many risk that are involved with having babies sleep in the bed with you as seen with the mom who just lost her infant. The article then went on to talk about what co-sleeping really means which is having your child sleep in the same bed as you not necessarily the same room. Research shows that it is healthy for the baby to sleep in the same room in fact it makes it easier for feedings and when the baby wakes, and can be even helpful in strengthening the bond between the parent and the infant.
Some of the risks mentioned in the article beside the obvious fact of smothering the baby are alcohol, drug use, and tobacco; which can all contribute to low birth rate. Some more positive to co-sleeping are the skin-to-skin contact can help the baby’s development according to an evolutionary perspective. Also it makes access to the baby much easier and one study found that it may help the baby’s respiration and the baby may be less likely to develop SIDs.

As for my brother his main concern for the baby in his bed is rolling over on the baby. In my opinion I feel like you should be more aware and are more aware that the baby is there and so that is less likely to happen. But of course it has happened. I feel he needs to be a little more understanding of the bonding being done with the mom and the easy access for feeding and other things. Eventually the baby will be ok to sleep in the crib by itself but in the meantime patience is necessary.

There are so many positives and negatives but I wanted to end with what the article stated as a final conclusion: “Applied anthropology teaches us, then, that with an aware, motivated, and engaged adult as part of the pair, bed-sharing may be quite safe.”

Emerging Adulthood

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Over the past semester we have discussed the topic of emerging adulthood; how much the concept hs changed, how it is reflected in the lives around us and our own lives. One of the first topics discussed was the idea of a narrative. Not the typically narrative you read but similar in that it tells a story. But even more so it’s almost like a set of guideline and goals we wish to follow and complete at different points in our life. There are so many characteristics that go into guiding individuals in my age category (21). Right now in life I feel I have experienced and learned a lot but it does not compare to what my future has in store for me.  Throughout the book Arnett’s observation about the emerging adult can easily fit into narrative and the narrative to many around me.

When I think about my college experience and the experiences of my peers I can reflect upon numerous memories that corresponded with Arnett’s own observations. Such as how we can go off to college and begin to move on with life and that each of us feel that this is a step or actual acknowledgement of adulthood. But are we truly adults? I know in the beginning of the semester I really questioned myself about if I was truly an adult. I mean I felt I completed all the necessary requirements. I moved out and went away to college; I moved into my own apartment, began paying for my own bills, making important decision on my own about my future. Yea, in my head I thought I was this big bad adult woman. But I realized like many do my age that I was still emerging in so many ways. I still depended on my parents for some instances. Although are relationship has changed in many ways I feel that it is much stronger, there is a new respect formed and an easier understanding between us.

As I continued to read, listen to the discussions, and expand my thinking I realized that I was emerging on multiple levels as an adult. My relationships with my family was evolving and also with friends and boyfriends. My peers and I have or will experience things such as love and sex at some point or another. And so we will eventually have to distinguish what type of love we feel for our significant other. And whether we choose to wait until marriage and go with the rising culture norm and have “hookups”. As we get older we will face the major decision that stems from love…marriage. We will have to decide whether this is the right choice for us. In regards to my own narrative this is a definitely goal in my life that I want to get to maybe sooner than later but eventually. For other they may choose cohabitate which has it benefits and drawbacks. But many in the end will eventually marry. Which ultimately leads us to how we make ends meet and the choice of jobs and career will be prevalent in so many ways especially if children are in the future. Both idea of having a successful career and children while balancing a home life and husband seems all to overwhelming but it is a task I’m willing to take. I know that it will be difficult and I may have to be pulling a “second shift” at home. In my head I hope that my husband will be willing and able to help me through all of this and that we can come up with balance.

All of the talk about the future has got me excited and nervous. And even though I can put it off and pretend I have time I’m leaving each process and each process is near. We are all so luck because we write out own narrative. I know deep down that I write my own pages in my life story and whatever happens I feel I will learn from it and become a better person from it…a better adult.