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Damon & Pythias
The semester seems to be a cycle of I-love-this-part-of-the-semester moments. How do I choose the best one? Apparently, they’re all my favorite! The story of Damon and Pythias Is short but incredibly rich. Is it more important to have a friend like this or to be such a friend? When King Dionysius reacts to the example the two young men set in their willingness to sacrifice for each other AND in the trust they display, what is it that he desires? We come back once again to that wonderful phrase Do ut Des, and the idea that we must give in order to receive. No one who is already full can receive, and it is the giving itself that makes us receivable. Dionysius, of course, clearly wants to receive, but he also obviously doesn’t get the “giving” part. He seems to think that he can order friendship as if he can declare something is so by his command.
How superficial (& boring!) would that be, if all the relationships in our life came about because and in the way that we decided that they should? I love the slow learning about a person that happens over time, like peeling back paper thin layers of an onion, one-at-a-time. To look at an onion is to see a large white or yellow, round vegetable, but each layer is sooo transparent and smooth….wow: it seems as if we ought to be able to look through them to the very center of onion-ness! But no, the only way to discover the layers is to patiently allow each one to peel. If we cut into it suddenly, all we’ll ever discover is a cut up onion. The transparency disappears, not because it’s gone, but because it’s unavailable to us, the impatient ones! People are like that too, I think. If we push for instant knowing, we may think we’ve been given a response, but all we’re seeing is the structure of the person, and not the inner reality that can only be known over time, one layer at a time. I’m wondering if friendship is like this too? Perhaps the layers that make up a coupleship (of any kind) are many layers deep, each one obviously part of the whole once discovered and recognized, but only transparent when recognized through insight, understanding, and knowing.
Maybe a more important question arises: how do I know when my “giving” is actually a gift, and not a roundabout way to enable receiving? That’s really Dionysius’ problem, right? He’s trying to figure out how to “have” a friendship, so he wants to know what to DO to get it. We could ask ourselves this question in the larger, global construct, as with Haiti. It’s probably good to travel to Haiti and “help,” but I find it fascinating how our brand of “help” looks so very American and Christian-imperialistic. I’m not Haitian, but I know that I don’t particularly like it when someone who thinks they are better, bigger, stronger, richer, or whater “er” we could name comes along and decides to “help” me… placing me in his/her/their debt. In my experience, he/she/they don’t typically know what I need and certainly aren’t going to stick around long enough to find out… We could also think of it on a more personal level. I have many times struggled with the question of Gift Giving. Is it better to give a gift that I will enjoy giving to a person I care for, thus sharing something of myself with him or her, something I think that person needs, or something that person wants, even if it’s something I do not care for? What if it’s something that person REALLY likes and I REALLY don’t like? What if I have a passion for something I think is wonderful and want to share it, but the person I’m giving to really does NOT like it? These might seem like simple questions, but when real names and items are applied to the concepts, it becomes more difficult.
My daughter Amanda is the best gift giver I know of. She is creative and intuitive. For Valentines Day this year she sent me a little stuffed animal Panda Bear so that I would think of her (Amanda-Panda) and a little children’s picture book called “I love my Mommy” and it was page after page of Mommy and Baby animals. Before you say
awwwwwwww . . . it gets better. On each of the pages, she placed sticky notes and scribbled little messages to me like “This reminds me of me and you when I was little.” I don’t know if that was the perfect gift for everyone, or just the perfect gift for ME. I know she did it with me in mind. It also makes the layers in the heartstrings between us stronger, deeper, richer. She gave and I was filled. When I am filled, I am better able to give.
This blog was so enjoyable to read! I love the story about your daughter.
I loved this… I did something similar for my dad and he …lets just say is not very good at showing emotion jaja but it made me feel happy to think that maybe it meant to him what amanda’s present meant to you. It truly requires a lot of thought to give with the person in mind instead of one’s own thoughts and wants.
Hmmm, I think I understand. I grapple sometimes with being willing to do something for others after so many times of getting yelled at or insulted because they didn’t want or refused to attempt to appreciate the gift I was giving them.There’s a line in a song from a musical I think of where the character is reflecting on her life and wondering what the use in doing good is. She sings, “One question haunts and hurts too much, too much to mention: Was I really seeking good, or just seeking attention?” And I often find myself asking the same question. Are my actions truly motivated by wanting to help and bring comfort to those around me, or am I simply acting as a response to an acknowledgment of a good deed? And when it comes to the action itself, what is acceptable and what is going too far? How many times I have seen opportunities to do a small or large deed for someone else, only to chicken out because I worry at their reaction. But looking at this, it brings up questions about friendship as well. We only really have three ways of describing “friendly” relationships: strangers, acquaintances, and friends. Obviously we have the age-old monikers of best friends, but what do you call someone in between one of the three? My friends are good friends, but there are some major boundaries that we have with each other that maybe shouldn’t be there. I think that growing up in a world that makes you worry and mistrust things and people around you, it makes sense that our generation would take hunks out of the onion and call it friendship instead of slowly peeling. That, I would say, is the greatest reason the new generations are having problems with relationships. We only know how to hack to get to the heart and the good stuff instead of taking our time and relishing what’s in front of us and appreciating what we find in the center.
I believe that panda came from our store ( http://www.cuddleworks.com ). I hope she brings warmth and happiness to you!