A little give and take

So, I just realized something. But not really. It’s just that I’ve failed to put it into so many words before.

I have expressed numerous times on this blog that I want to marry my best friend. Or rather, I want the person I marry to be my best friend. But in the past, or in marriages where the wife did not have the same financial independence or opportunity for financial independence, that option of a “best friend” was more like a added bonus instead of criteria. Lots of women have had to marry out of necessity, practicality, convenience. Because if they didn’t, they would become “the old maid” and be pitied by society, even if they did not pity themselves. Financially independent women in the past often times didn’t get married, probably because the men folk thought they were intimidating. Or perhaps those women had the kind of personality that not only could make out like a bandit on their own but didn’t really see marriage as a necessity, or really their thing. They probs had some kind of lover, or partner, to fulfill some kind of sexual desire, but beyond that, there wasn’t much of a point. While their society most likely saw them as “bad” or “loose” or “witch”, our society would say they are just different, individual, or Condoleezza Rice.  It’s hard for a woman, but heck, it’s hard for anybody.

To be frank, I don’t see myself as one of those women. At one point I did, I still contemplate that route, but ultimately, I think I’ll end up settling down sometime. But I respect those kinds of individuals. They deviate from social norms, they show it isn’t really an easy existence, but they make do. They have personality, a kind of fire, individuality. They inspire others to stand up for themselves, although that doesn’t necessarily mean they follow in their footsteps. There’s a niche that independent women fill.

Maybe what I mean is a strong woman, not necessarily those women who don’t get married. You can be a strong, financially capable married woman, too. But that goes back to my point about marrying out of necessity. Those women who do secure themselves a living outside of a man have greater opportunity to marry someone they think of as their social equal. I read stories, I’ve heard stories. It all inspires my frame of reference. I guess, if I don’t see myself as that kind of woman right now, I sure want to be. That, I think, is the way to go. If there are social obstacles to it, then I’m fighting it in my own life, or maybe, if led to, for others, too.

So… hipsters. What are they? Are they nonconformists? Social deviants? Rather fashion-forward, er, backward, cultured, er, uncultured individuals? It’s a movement trying to redefine social culture and is creating this weird culture of its own, with wannabes, and fans, haters and parodies. Now that hipster is starting to seem kind of in, especially at Baylor, are hipsters hipsters anymore? Who is a hipster? Is it self-defined? Can you tell it at a glance? Is it based on social group? Somebody smarter than me please explain because if there’s no literature out there, I’m tempted to make my own.

Hipster Hitler: http://hipsterhitler.com/comics/stache/

Offensive? Yes. Applicable? Totally.

Somehow, this got deleted so the post ended up empty. But as it so happens there’s a recovery mechanism on this blog thing that allowed me to resave my original post as it appears above. Cool, huh? (I am such a nerd…)

Before this Marriage and the Family class, marriage was still something somewhat off my radar. Marriage followed thoughts like graduate school and the after-college years. Thoughts of marriage eventually lead to thoughts about settling down, and children, and thinking in terms of “us” and “they.” I wasn’t ready for that. I’m still not. But I guess you can say I’m warming up to the idea as things become more inspiring.

Why would I want to get married? After everything we’ve discussed, from benefits of marriage, legalities, practicalities, social pressure, I guess the main reason for me really is love. I want to love someone and be loved in return. And I want to be jealously in love with that person, as in I want this person to only truly have eyes for me. But I suppose out of love for that person, I would also want what is best for him. Marriage seals the partnership and I would think opens up other opportunities for us to work together on our life goals, and possibly pass our ideas down to our children, our own or through adoption. I would hope that we would be teammates in life, and best friends. It’s hard to go at things alone, even in our society where both men and women are financially independent. I feel like it’s also a society where you can isolate yourself really easily, even when it seems like you’re surrounded by a bunch of people. Marriage in that way can be a security measure.

This is the hope, at least. I think a lot of people go into marriage for love, and to have kids. Maybe it’s a biological desire imbedded in us. Although there are those DINKs that aren’t really looking for that kind of thing… not yet anyway. It’s a cultural thing too. Don’t you ever find it sad in the movies when some hero dies leaving his/her partner partnerless, and childless? Do you ever hope that perhaps he has some kid to carry on his memory? It’s just a thought. There’s something fulfilling in leaving a part of yourself that goes on even when you as you fade away.

My family will most likely be fairly traditional and conservative. I’m not really comfortable with the idea of having more than two kids, although if we adopted, I could go with the somewhat uncomfortable four children household. My parents at one point were seriously considering adoption, but things never really worked out. My parents have been solidly married and spaced my sister and I four years apart. They raised us with Christian values, but also a drive to succeed, a love of books, ambition, and hardwork. Considering that framework, I generally want the same for my home. Divorce is not something that I ever want to consider. But I honestly don’t know what to do if the spark goes out in the marriage. My thinking is that if we go through a spell where we find it hard to love one another, we will stick with it, push through, until the mariage is refreshed. I don’t want to abandon someone I told myself I was committed to. It doesn’t seem fair to him, or myself. If he breaks my trust, I would hope and pray for ways to repair it.

Just as a note, I very truly enjoyed this class. I would have to say it was my most favorite class of the year.

So, how to keep the spark alive? Perhaps, read a lot of Nicholas Sparks. Ever heard of ‘The Wedding’? Pretty good book. That guy went to really great lengths to revive their relationship. Also, lots of conversation, and lots of interaction. And, not only shared interests, but different interests. One person has their thing, you have another. It’s like thinking of ways to not get burnt out of something. There also probably comes a point where you need to be honest and say you’re tired and not in the mood to do anything- take a break but then get back into action. It takes lots of energy, and when that’s short, there’s lots of prayer. If things go from bad to worst, marriage counseling. You never know how much an outside perspective can help. Somehow, I can’t forget to show that person how much I love them. And how much I love our family. Everyone has to be aware that we’re in it for the long haul.

That was kind of a thought dump. I know life isn’t easy, and I’m not perfect enough to make my own life much easier. I don’t even think easy is the right word. Maybe what I mean is ‘ideal’. But I think the beauty of relationships, especially romantic ones, is that they involve give and take. I need to keep in mind that I need to give, so that I can take, so that they can take, and give in return. Marriages are like that, family is like that, friendship is like that. Positive relationships are positive give and take relationships. Think Aristotle and ‘the good friendship’. Or if that doesn’t resonate, Fried Green Tomatoes. And what if I feel like I have nothing to give? Sometimes I struggle with that, feeling like I don’t really have anything to offer. I suppose those are moments when I have to realize I’m worth it, and their worth it, and then get creative. Small beginnings aren’t always easy, but I guess I could make them doable.

I feel like in our society, there is a lot of pressure on the individual to get things done right, to succeed in life, to make something meaningful. Some people rise to the challenge while others fall short. It’s unfair, but then it makes sense as everybody has their own giftings, and some have stronger giftings than others. Some excel in areas better than others, and perhaps it doesn’t exactly balance out. It can be depressing at times, especially if you’re an ambitious individual. It’s a disgusting cycle of not feeling good enough, smart enough, crazy enough to get to where you think you should be. People strive and strive for a good life, but inevitably fall short of what is viewed as the ideal. We can reassess that ideal, as we have done in class through discussion of life narratives and marriage statistics, but ultimately, life is what you choose it to be. It’s like that quote from David Foster Wallace. Unfortunately, his imagery was a little too disparaging for me. I don’t want to believe that my life will end in a state of despair. No, I believe life, and afterlife, can be more positive than that. But yes, it’s hard, and in the end, all I have is faith. And I believe, in the end, what, or rather, who I place my faith in is enough.

Divorce. Does that word sound scary? I don’t want it showing up within my family. The idea does scare me, because I love both of my parents very dearly. And I don’t believe one parent would do very well without the other. I am of the opinion that the divorce card should not be one of the possible choices in the stack of options in terms of marriage. I plan to stay committed to whoever I choose to marry until death really does part us. Hopefully the person believes the same thing. Thus, whatever comes up, whatever tangle we find ourselves in, I plan to work it out until we get back to square one. If it’s what we need to do, we will start all over again. Because I think the word divorce is scary, that also means I plan to be really picky about my future spouse. He doesn’t have to be prince charming, but he will be my prince charming, only mine. And, he better be prepared to take ‘forever’ seriously.

However, I also don’t think a couple should stay together ‘for the kids.’ In my opinion, that’s dreadful. Marriage isn’t all about the kids for me. Parents need to work it out between themselves, or come to the point where they are very honest. If divorce really seems to be the light at the end of the tunnel, then the kids need to be brought to the light as well. Otherwise, it’s shutting them up in darkness of dishonesty, deceit, and hidden burdens. To me, that doesn’t seem to be a very loving option.

Yes, I am a very religious person. But more than that, I’m a follower of Jesus and I expect my husband to be the same. And eventually, I hope my kids choose that path for their lives as well. With him as our strength, I hope that the family will be a place of stability, love, warmth and acceptance. Foundationally strong. It’s a hope. I’m trusting God for it.

This is my response before reading the articles by Buttenweiser and Riscol.

How hard is it to be atheist on Baylor campus? Apparently, pretty hard. Non-Christian organizations, or groups that Christians/Baptists do not support cannot be chartered on campus. That includes muslim student organizations, or any other religion, SIF, and atheist organizations. Ones have attempted to get chartered, but have failed. For example, SIF which stands for “Sexual Identity Forum” started as GSA, Gay Straight Alliance and failed under that title and with that constitution. However, SIF has rewritten their statement and has gotten more support from experienced staff and has more chance of getting chartered. But it will still be a battle.

Is this right for Baylor to do? Should something such as a “closet atheist” exist? Is Baylor fostering an environment that stifles students’ ability to discover who they are? I don’t really know the answer to that question. Some people say Baylor in general doesn’t force religion down their throats, but I have mostly heard that from people with a Christian background. From some of my non-Christian friends, I’ve heard a mixture. Some people feel like their beliefs are being challenged, being attacked by Christianity. They probably are, but to what extent? It’s an interesting issue that while it’s not unique to Baylor campus, I believe Baylor still has its own original twist to the struggle. It will be very important to the future of the campus on what Baylor will choose to support or not support.

I had a life narrative that I shared in class a while back, but for some reason I can’t find the sheet that I wrote down my ideas on. Hm, interesting. I did however, find this little list that I never published on Sept. 12. This one is a lot more general, and it’s even more vague, and not entirely realistic. But I’m going to publish it anyway as a 7 word life narrative summary…thing.

If I had a narrative, as in a sequence of events, for my life, it would look something like this:

1. Birth

2. Learning

3. Realization

4. Actualization

5. Contentment

6. Death

7. Eternity

Here’s a rough draft post that I started on Nov. 6 but never got around to finishing it:

A few things jumped out at me the week before last that I meant to discuss in a blog but didn’t quite get a chance to think out. It’s the idea about when couples fight, it takes five positive experiences to offset the one negative. Even if this is not a purely scientific figure, it illustrates how threatening a conflict seems to be in a relationship. Forgive and forget is harder to live by than what is actually played out. I’ve tried this 5 to 1 thing and it’s kinda challenging, especially if you don’t really know exactly what’s up. It’s important to have some good dialogue and ask questions, if anything just to clear the air. But if conflict makes that kind of honest conversation hard, it can be frustrating. And on the road to creating those 5 positive experiences, another negative one comes along. Or perhaps that person pretends everything is okay, when really it’s not. Last year in one of my classes, we read a chapter on conflict resolution by Olson and DeFrain. That had a lot of good stuff in it, but the gist of it all is that a couple needs to be able to have an open, honest conversation of each others expectations, thoughts, needs and wants. Communication is key. Thus, five points of solid communication. Yes, potentially five points of frustration, but hopefully by interaction #3, the message becomes clear.

Okay, I just got back from watching Dr. Rice speak today and I am absolutely starstruck! I admire her so much and am so thankful for the experience of listening to her in person. So I had read her biography back in high school for an English project and while at the time I didn’t understand why that particular biography was practically destined for me, I understand now that it was probably so I could connect to her today on a deeper level. Let’s just say that I thought it was a deeply spiritual experience that I feel, brought me closer to God and understanding his will. She actually reiterated a lot of what I mentioned in my previous post (which I forgot to submit because I left to actually watch her speak) and clarified some things that I thought I walked away with from one of her bios. Yes, her family and education played a major role in getting her the background she has now. Her grandfather got a college education after the failure of sharecropping by choosing to become a Presbyterian minister and getting a scholarship. From there, the rest is history. Basically, her family did what they needed to do to secure a better future. But more than that, they put in her this attitude: “Be twice as good”. Skin color, womanhood, class, it doesn’t matter; just beat the haters back by besting them. (and I say, if you can’t win at their game, take the moral high ground.) Sure, there sometimes feels like there’s a class struggle. The strong take advantage of the weak, and the poor suffer. But things can change, and have been changing. There’s hope, and I want to know my part in making hope happen.