Emerging Adulthood wrap up

Okay, again, this is the last one I promise.

I sort of put all my thoughts on emerging adulthood throughout my last 2 blogs but I decided I should give it one more clean sweep.

So, throughout the course, we’ve looked at emerging adulthood and all that entails: ourselves, our goals, our faith, and our relationships. Well I would like to dissect all that as it pertains to my life at this very moment.

Starting with myself, I feel like I can confidently say who I am at this very moment (I know, how uncharacteristic). First, I have a strong sense of values. I value education far above most people my age. I value all of my relationships. I value bacon. Second, I believe I am pretty humorous (c’mon, the bacon thing made you laugh). Third, I believe that I am destined for something great in this world. I’m not sure exactly what yet, but like many people my age, I am determined to make a difference.

Next, my goals. Going off of what I just said, I think I am meant for something greater. I don’t mean this religiously, I mean that I have always had this premonition that I would somehow impact the world. I don’t mean to sound cocky but I just know that I have a great sense of purpose in this world and I am determined to see them through.

My relationships. As for boys, well, they are non-existent. As for my friends, they are beyond fabulous. As for my family, well, everyday is a roller coaster.

Finally, my faith. I’m still not sure exactly where I lie. I know God is real and I know Jesus is the savior of my life but what religion I feel connected to is still uncertain. I’ve bounced between a few and none of them have every felt right. I guess Bob Marley was right “It’s not that I don’t like your God, I really do. It’s your Christians I don’t like, they’re nothing like you God”. It’s not the hypocarcy or judgement, it’s just the feel of it all. I would rather my relationship with Christ be more personal than insitutional.

All this being said, I am much different now than when I started this course. In the beginning, I was very much an emerging adult. I had too many questions, I was unsure of myself and my goals. Now, I may still have questions, but I feel so much more confident in myself and where I’m going. I feel like I can analyze my situations better and be more prepared for what lies in the future.

The Final One 2.0

So I realized that in my “last blog” I really didn’t give this class enough credit. Basically, I loved this class, I looked forward to it every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Ashley, I promise I’m not sucking up, I genuinely loved the material we learned, the discussions we had, and the relationships we all formed with each other. Furthermore, I’m officially minoring in sociology! So ya, easy to say that I was thoroughly intrigued and entertained by this course.

I think what I learned most from Marriage & Family is not necessarily anything about marriage and family (oops), but that we are all connected. On a macro level, we are all connected through our relationships with each other, our role in society, as well as our goals and aspirations. On a micro level, we all go through the same things, we all carry similar burdens, and we all are experiencing this crazy, stupid thing called life. Our connectedness is what binds us and gives us all a sense of belonging-a feeling that we are never alone. As an emerging adult, that feeling is comforting. That people all over the world are experiencing the same struggles as me, some, in fact most, even worse than me. We all relate through our experiences.

I’m not sure what else to say (perhaps there is too much to say), other than thank you to Ashley and to my classmates for giving me a class to look forward to. As a business major I don’t get that a lot.

Finally I just want to conclude why I decided to minor in sociology, basically, it goes like this “Logic can get you from A to Z, imagination can take you anywhere”. Business is logical, but sociology allows my to be fantastical.

The Final One (aka final assignment)

”    Friends reference. If you get it, you’re a boss.

When I began this course in August, I had a bit of a predisposition about sociology, and it wasn’t a good one. Mainly because my older sister is getting her masters in psychology and constantly reminds us all how sociology is to generalized and doesn’t respect the individual and their unique qualities. As such, I walked in class thinking it was just going to be a Art & Sciences credit, that I wasn’t going to learn anything, and that the material wasn’t exactly true. Well, now that it’s the end of the semester, I can wholeheartedly say that this couldn’t be farther from the truth. Sociology allows the individual to examine their world and culture in a way that ties all their studies together. Otherwise said, sociology ties in all areas of life into one “big picture”. It encompasses all of history, literature, language, and so many other aspects of culture. My sister may have been right, sociology isn’t fair to the individual, but it is fair to the world at large. It challenged me to question my world in every aspect: where I came from, where I am going, how social institutions have structured me in into I am, etc. It challenged me to look at society as a whole instead of just one-time circumstances. Finally, it challenged me to reevaluate if my thinking is based off my own intelligence or has been molded by those around me.

Okay so now that that’s all out there, let’s talk about marriage and family from the beginning of the course to the end. When I started the class, yes, I wanted to get married. Definitely not until I was older, but someday, yes. Now? I still do, but why? Well, if I’m going to be honest, I don’t want to take on this world alone. And I don’t mean that I can’t. I am very aware that I could go the rest of my life without a husband and be satisfied. I just want to have a companion when I go through my life journey. Does this mean I need to be married to them? Preferably, but not necessarily. Again, I understand that this is not the purpose of marriage. The purpose of marriage is a lot less romantic than that. I mean, let’s be real, the purpose of marriage is to procreate and reap economic benefits. I find these purposes meaningless. If I’m going to marry someone, it’s not going to come with a baby or a pay check. As cheesy as it is, it’s going to come out of love.

So who am I going to marry? Glad you ask. Truth is, my ideal husband changes everyday. My sisters always used to tell me that if I married someone, he would be the quiet one, the underdog, the “best friend”. He would be the one who allowed me to seek him out, to save him. And a part of me still wants that type of guy, they guy who stands in the shadow of others and whose insecurities match my own. However, as I’ve gotten older and gotten more confidence in myself, I think my ideal man has changed. I want a guy who is still the underdog, but I want him to be the one to save me. For the longest time, I’ve been the one that has dated these guys because I felt like they deserved it, like they needed it. They needed someone who was going to help them discover who they are and all that they can do in this world. But, I think if I’m going to marry a guy, he has to do the same back. He has to have the same passion that I have to help the other be the best person they can be, to understand that we all have flaws and that’s what makes us perfect, and to be able to love the other unconditionally even if you hate them at times.

What next? I’ve found this ideal guy let’s say. Is it time for kids? Well, if it is. We’re having three. If they’re girls, their names will from the following list: Logan Marie, Hayden Nöel, or Tyler Mae. If they’re boys, there names will be from the following list: Hayden, Logan, or Tyler (middle names pending). Ya, I’m just going to alternate between those names. If you’ve read previous blogs, you’ll see that I am a middle child of three girls. Ideally, I would have the same for my children.

As for divorce, again, if you’ve read previous blogs you’ll know that divorce runs very high in my family. In fact, if your just looking at my parent’s siblings (8 individuals), they are the only two that have remained married (although I’m not going to ignore the fact that they probably should have). Does this make me more susceptible to divorce? Yes. I’m very aware that I am more prone to getting a divorce than most people. That’s why if I am going to get married, I’m going to make it count. He will not only be the love of my life (if that’s even a real thing), he will be the savior of it (alongside Jesus, don’t worry I’m not being blasphemous). With that being said, I think love is just a component to one’s happiness in life. I could be in love with someone but if one or both of us is facing some sort of self doubt, trouble, or insecurity, there will be trouble in the marriage. I think that in order to have a healthy and successful marriage, you must first have a healthy and successful self. Furthermore, I think that if you can’t be satisfied without a husband, you’ll never be satisfied with one. Even if you love your partner, you must be content with yourself in order to make the relationship work. And this lasts all throughout marriage. From year 1 to year 50 of marriage, I hope that every couple can look at their partner and say they helped me understand that life and love is about discovery, and everyday we are still discovering each other’s quirks, habits, loves, hates, goals, and memories. Everyday is a constant battle between “I” and “We”. And that at the end of the day, all you can do is look at the other and just thank God for giving you that person whom can help you discover just a glimpse into the meaning of life and existence.

Wooo, take a deep breath, I’m still not done. I have one final thing to say. I realize I didn’t do much of a comparison of what I felt at the beginning of course and now as related to marriage and the family. Well, let me sum it up: I have a lot more questions now. I question my own life circumstances and how they’ve shaped me into who I am and how I think about marriage and children. I question my parents and how they raised me. I question my education. I question my faith. I question my relationships with friends and significant others. Really, I question everything now. But, again, if I’m going to be honest, I’m grateful that I’m asking questions. It gives me a greater lens into the examining my world and my future. So, to answer the question I posed in the beginning. Is it all about social structure or personal autonomy? Well, I’d like to think it’s a bit of both.

To end the course, I’d like to leave it with a quote by Bob Dylan that pretty much sums up where I am in my life as an emerging adult. “All I can do is be me, whoever that is”.

Divorce

Today’s class got me interested in thinking about the dynamics between siblings and parents who are divorced. Well, it really led to me to a personal example.

My cousins are roughly the same age apart as my sisters and I: 2.5 years between the eldest and middle children and 4.5 years between the middle and youngest child. When my eldest cousin was 16, her parents (aka my uncle and his wife) were divorced. The reason being that my uncle was a severe alcoholic and could no longer support his family financially or emotionally. Well, my eldest cousin was the only one old enough to fully understand the reasoning behind the divorce and, as such, took my aunt’s side in the divorce proceedings. The middle cousin, who was very close with my uncle (as well as your stereotypical middle child), favored him when it came to the divorce. All that is left is my youngest cousin. Because she was so young when the divorce happened, because she is easily influenced by other people’s opinions, and because she is extremely close with my oldest cousin, she took my aunt’s side in the divorce. Well now, 10 years later, my cousins’ relationships with each other are completely split. My eldest and youngest are extremely close still and refuse to talk to my uncle, whereas the middle cousin is still very close with my uncle but hardly close at all with her sisters.

I think a lot of sibling relationships with each other after a divorce has to do with their role in the family prior to the divorce. The middle cousin was the blacksheep of the family and thus she was the blacksheep in the opinions about the divorce. While my eldest cousin is very dominating and opinionated, she remained that way through the divorce, and same goes for the easy-goingness of my youngest cousin.

Divorce may effect children in different ways but there are definitely similar tendencies if the siblings fall into the characteristic family roles.

Explore: The Pecking Order

As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, I am a middle child. I have an older sister, Natalie, and a younger sister, Emily. Before discussing the differences between my sisters and I, I think it is best to tell you a little bit about my sisters.

Natalie, 21, is a senior at Pepperdine University (4.0 GPA) and is studying psychology and social work with a minor in art. When she was little, she was often identified as the “know it all”. She was often bossy, focused on learning, and determined to get her gold stars. Now, she may still be the same way, but as time has carried on she becomes less type A and more adaptable to society.

I, 19, am a sophomore at Baylor University and am studying Media Business (3.8 GPA) with a minor in sociology. When I was little, not going to lie, I was a little bit narcissistic. I was extremely shy, but I liked people to acknowledge me as much as they could. Now, I am hardly narcissistic or shy, but I still feel the need to be a people-pleaser and have people know me.

Emily, 15, is a freshman in high school (3.5 GPA). She is your typical hipster- listening to The xx and wearing only urban outfitters. She is probably the least successful in academics compared to Natalie and I; however, she is probably the most athletic. She is definitely the funniest out of the three of us and has slightly more rebellious tendencies.

This week during Thanksgiving, I talked to my sisters about us, birth order, their relationship with each other and our parents, and their attitudes towards my parent’s distribution of their resources. My oldest sister was very clear in her responses. She felt that our family size made her feel more connected to my parents and me, but not as close to my youngest sister. She felt like she was more of a second mom to Emily, a daughter to my parents, and a best friend to me. When asked about distribution of resources, Natalie agreed that there was some inequality when it came to my parent’s distribution of their time, wisdom, and finances, but understandably so. According to her, if there were total equality then no sibling would have felt unique or special. Going back to the number of years in between Natalie and Emily, Natalie thinks that because there is a seven-year age gap, she feels most like an older sister to Emily than to me. She believes that if any of us had been a different gender it would have definitely changed the roles we all play as siblings. She believes that obesity of the parents can directly effect the children but not in between siblings. All in all, Natalie said that she feels proud to be an oldest sister. She feels strongly connected to my parents as well; she feels a strong responsibility to myself and Emily to be a role model and inspiring woman.

When I talked to my youngest sister, she was much more passive about her answers. When it came to the more detailed questions, she was indifferent and apathetic. However, when it came to her role in our family and her relationship with my parents, Natalie, and I, she was very outspoken. She acknowledged that, because she is the youngest, she is often babied and spoiled by my parents. However, she combats this with something that I never thought of before. Because there is a four-year age gap between Emily and I, and then she has no memory before she was five, there are many memories that my parents, Natalie, and I discuss that she feels unattached to. For example, she said how she vaguely remembers my grandma’s house and all the memories that transpired. Now, that Christmas trip to my grandma’s house in 1999 was one of the best memories I have with my family. We talk about it constantly. It was just until now that Emily admitted she has no memory of the vacation unless it’s what Natalie and I tell her. For that reason, she says, she feels like my parent’s spoiling her is compensated for her lack of bonding time with us when she was younger. As for her role in our family, she described herself as being the “comic relief”. While Natalie would probably scoff at the idea of being such a side-casted character, Emily is very prideful of it. She says that she feels most connected to my family on a “shared interest” level because she shares all the same humor as us.

As for myself, I am the middle child. But unlike most middle children, I pride myself in my birth order. I LOVE being in the middle, mostly because I think I am the most connected with my sisters than they are with each other. I can honestly say that my sisters are my best friends and if I was the oldest of the youngest I don’t know if I could say that. Now, to make up for it, I don’t have as strong of a relationship with my parents. Natalie is really close with my dad while Emily is much closer with my mom. I am close with both but not nearly on the same degree as my sisters. Does that mean I don’t get as much special treatment from my parents? Yes. But it also means I get more love from my sisters, which means so much more to me.

Relating this to The Pecking Order article by Conley, it’s true, I think that my family follows the stereotypically family structure. Natalie is type A, I am fairly independent, and Emily is the funniest. On the most basic level, we follow this systematic structure of the family, however, on a more micro level, we each deviate from our procured path. Natalie is pursuing a field in social work and is a free-lance artist on the side, I am pursuing a business degree, hope to go into the film industry, and am the strongest communicator and people person in my family, and Emily is the most selfless and servant-hearted person in our family. On a macro personality basis, yes we somewhat fit the molds, but on a more personal level, we deviate completely.

When it comes to distribution of resources, yes, there was inequality, but my sisters and I all agreed that it was necessary for my parent’s circumstances and our own development.

When it comes to our family size and spacing in between siblings, we all agreed that three was perfect and that the age gap between Emily and I definitely singled her out as the youngest but none of us ever felt like she was young or immature.

When it comes to the impact of birth order, Natalie, Emily, and I all felt entitled to our roles. I feel a strong connection with being the middle child, as do Natalie and Emily in their roles. We all understand that there are some advantages and disadvantages to every birth order but we also understand that each one is unique and therefore special to the beholder.

Motherhood

Today in class we heard from 3 mothers on their experiences of childbirth. I thought it was interesting to hear from these women not only about the miracle of life but about the mechanics involved in the method of birth, the realities of hospitals, and the differences of childbirth between children.

In particular, I thought it was quite interesting how the women all agreed that the OBGYN’s and the hospital staff were very unsympathetic towards the mother. They all had a mutual understanding and acknowledgement that the doctor’s goal is to preserve the life and health of the baby, but they all felt as though their needs and health were being neglected. For example, one of the moms explained how she had horrible back pains and wanted to be sitting upright but the doctors wouldn’t let her. Another example, the other mom was not wanting the epidural and the doctor’s administered one anyways. It reminds me of the movie Knocked Up where the mother had a very specific birth plan and the doctor did not acknowledge any of the mother’s wishes.

One question I failed to ask the mothers and I wish I had was who was present with them at their child’s birth. I assume that the mother’s own mother and husband was present but it may vary with different individuals.

All in all, I thought the discussion was very informative and leaves me wanting to ask my mother more questions about my birth as well as my sisters’ births.

Grandmama

The attitude of the 60s is still well in effect.

This morning while talking with my mom, she told me about my grandma. Little background information, my grandma hasn’t been doing so well lately. My grandpa died 3 years ago and my grandma lives alone. Her health is at a point, however, where she really shouldn’t be living by herself.

Upon my grandpa’s death, he told my mom’s two oldest siblings to never sell his house and to never let my grandma go in a nursing home. Because of the patriarchal heirarchy of my family, my grandpa got his way. So, for the past three years, even though it may result in the death of my grandma, my aunt and uncle have refused to sell her house or put my grandma in a treatment center because of my grandpa.

I told my mom very frankly, “Grandpa’s dead, why does anyone care anymore what he said?”. My mom just told me that he was the authority. Even if he was gone, everyone still listened to what he said and what he commanded of them. Regardless of if my grandma should be put in a home or not, she as well as my aunts and uncles will never put her there because of my grandpa.

It is crazy to me that even from heaven my grandpa still has such a say over my grandmother’s life as well as his children’s.

Explore 6: Narrative

Emerging adulthood. I feel like this phrase has been tossed around so many times this semester. But what is emerging adulthood? And what is it in relation to one’s personal narrative? And finally, what is the cultural significance of one’s personal narrative? All the answers lie with two of the most fantastic movies from the 80s: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and The Breakfast Club.

Let’s start with a little plot summary on both movies. In Ferris, the main character (aka Ferris Bueller) ditches school with tag-alongs Cameron and Sloane, while the principal is on their tail the whole time. Throughout the course of the day, the audience discovers Cameron’s struggle with his father, Sloane’s struggle with the future, and Ferris’s seemingly lack of stuggles at all. At the end of the movie, Ferris, Cameron, and Sloane all realize that adulthood is simply more of the unknown and that we should embrace life as it comes at us. In The Breakfast Club, six random students are all forced to come to detention on a saturday. Each are an example of a different stereotype and each have a struggle that is both unique and in some way unifying. In the end, they all bond together to rebel against the principal (the adult figure throughout the movie) and find that they are must more than he makes them about to be.

Now, I don’t want to go into huge and in-depth analysis of these movies because that would be a novel but I will say one thing that I think clearly reflects these characters in relation to emerging adulthood. One, they all are, in many senses, unaware. Ferris is unaware of the realities and obligations of life. Each student in the BC is unaware that others are facing the same struggles that they are, as well, they are initially unaware that they have a stronger sense of entitlement and power than is given to them by their authorities. Second, they are all preparing for the future, whatever that may be. Cameron and Sloane are preparing for college, Andy is preparing for athletics, and even Bender is preparing himself for a life of crime and rebellion. They all acknowledge that the future is there and it is always haunting them, they understand that reality is going to hit and it is going to his soon, and they all accept that responsibility is coming, even if it is not there yet. Finally, they all have a mutual understanding that life is in the here and now, not in the then and someday. Claire and Brian get high to embrace the moment and Ferris joins a parade!! They all believe that life is in the present, unlike what their authorities tell them.

So we still have the questions. What is emerging adulthood? According to these two movies, emerging adulthood is a mutual understanding that there is a future, and while it may be unclear and confusing, it is there, however, we should embrace life as it comes at us and leave each day to the fullest instead of worrying about this plaguing future. So how does this apply to one’s own personal story? Well for me, I think it means that I am still a kid, and hell, I might always be a kid, but what is an adult even? There’s always confusion and uncertainty about the future, why should the confusion in my 20s be any less confusing than in my 50s? The other day I was talking with my aunt about my major and I asked her if when she was my age she knew what she wanted to do with her life. Her answer was that she still didn’t know, and that if she ever had known, whether it be at 20 or now, her life wouldn’t have been nearly as amazing as it was. So, when I look at the characteristics of an emerging adult being confused about the future, it makes me realize that that’s how it’s supposed to be. That life is supposed to be confusing that complex, that’s what makes it so interesting. I think both movies described above enlighten that idea, that life is a bit messed up, but that’s kind of what makes it great. So what’s the cultural significance of all this? Well, here’s a message to American emerging adults: stop freaking out. The future has enough to worry about on it’s own, it doesn’t need to take over the present too.

The Feminine Mystique y Mad Men

Baby Drama

This afternoon I had a conversation with my cousin who is a new mom and I thought it pertained to what we have been disucssing in class. A little background on my cousin. She is a go-getter. She is type A. She is a very successful CFO. She is ambitious. Basically, she is the ideal employee. When we found out she and her husband were pregnant, my whole family was a little skeptical because, based on my cousin’s history, she lacked any sort of maternal skills. It’s not that she isn’t caring or anything, she is just very career-minded and we never thought she would ever settle down and have children.

So, this afternoon when I was talking with her, I asked her about how she is dealing with being a stay at home mom (at least for the time being) and her response shocked me. She said “Marie, this is the best job I’ve ever had”. Coming from someone who is the ideal employee, I was shocked. She would rather give up her amazing job than have a child? Crazy.

I then spoke to her husband who is finishing his doctoral residency. I asked him how Ashley was handling him being at work and providing while she was at home. He said he was just as shocked as I was but he said something that really changed my perspective, “having a baby changes things about yourself that have always been there”. My cousin has always been very driven and career-minded, yet, when she had baby Victoria, everything changed. It was as if her life meant absolutely nothing before Victoria was born.

With all this being said, I think we can all argue how having a career is so important but honestly, once we’ve had a child, it changes everything. Your values, motives, responsibilities, and goals have to change. However, like my cousin said, that change can be the start of your new life.